Should I Take Him Back

[tayla82]

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

Why would you do that to your daughter. He is basically telling you he's going to control every aspect of your lives. Stay where you are.

Oh he just gets better and better. I can see it. You'll be working your arse off after he retires to pay for everything because, you know, he has a tiny pension and can't afford that..... But oddly, there will be plenty for his hobbies etc.

Just block him. And tell your friend she's a fool.

I have declined and he said I will live to regret it because I will rot up where I am with little money and a brat of a daughter and won’t find anyone as loyal and patient as him!!

Definitely not doing that to my daughter!!

He is comfortable financially and has a wealthy sister who helps out too. He doesn’t need my money but if he charges me rent, I can’t ever claim de facto as he would simply say I’m a paying tenant. He’s protecting his assets. Obviously doesn’t trust anyone. But I’m no going to take the offer

Therapy is beneficial. That’s what I aim to achieve - be in a good place so I can clearly identify warning signs in someone’s behaviour and not tolerate it or justify it. I have done so with this man because I focus on his good points and the good times we experienced and it makes me overlook the bad points and even start blaming myself or thinking that maybe I’m too critical and negative

Do you still have any contact with him?

This postive environment will be a huge long term help to your daughter.

Yes settling in takes time, but the long term benefits of nice friends from normal backgrounds where further education opportunities are expected to be taken up, will help her to aim higher.

Peer influence is huge on teens, good peer influence is priceless.

Explain to your daughter that the bigger picture is that this new area is better for you both long term and that is where you will remain.

Uncertainty will lead her to feel further unsettled.

Be firm and resolute that you are staying put and encourage her to invest in these new relationships.

You are NEVER moving back.

That friend of yours is absolutely not concerned by what is best for you and your child.

Remember that.

Also, there is nothing wrong on being well aware of a persons bad points and quick to spot them.

Ignoring them and thinking that makes you a positive person is deluded.

All it does is make you vulnerable to twats.

Start learning to listen to your gut.

He rings from time to time but is very matter of fact, nonchalant. No excitement or interest. I would say he has given up trying now.

From what you have said it's a no from me. Maybe dating might be an option but certainly not moving in with him. He will hold all the cards.

Thank you for your words. I know my daughter cannot see it now, but this is the better and safer environment for her. The last town saw my son in with the wrong crowd and got himself into a bit of trouble. Thankfully he moved away same time we did and is doing well now. My stress levels have dropped because I am no longer trying to juggle parenting and a relationship and keeping them separate yet being the punch bag to both my daughter and the boyfriend because they’re vying for my attention. Admittedly I’ve gained a little bit of weight but it’s so nice not being lectured over everything I eat. Or being told I look haggard. Well yes because I work fulltime, run a home and parent alone, volunteer at church and also trying to have a relationship.
I know I have many faults but I don’t want to spend my life feeling I’m not good enough and everything I say and do is wrong!

He was absolutely vile anyway op. I can't believe you've not blocked him. Hopefully he won't bother you anymore.

You really got to see his true colours when you said 'no' to him.

I am a bit worried you may fall back into dating similar men though op. Please, please learn about how to spot abusers. And keep learning your whole life.

YouTube has good resources. Doctor ramani on narcissists is really good.

Well done getting free though! Hopefully you stay that way!

I think you sound like a great woman who needs to value herself more and needs to give herself a pat on the back.

Have confidence in yourself and your decision making.

Fake it until you make it.

Shut your daughter down if she brings up moving back.

The decision is made.
This is a better place to live.

She will hopefully thank you some day.

If she doesn't, you can still be confident that you made the best choice you could for her long term benefit.

That is all any of us can do for our children.

You need to raise your standards fast. Why would you even consider this? Put your daughter first.

As others have said you sound like a nice person and deserve better 🙂

"fairly domineering" doesn't sound good OP. Disagreeing is one thing, but he shouldn't be imposing himself on you.

Sure you can do better xx

I have listened to Dr Ramani. She is very good. And Les Carter. I’ve been reading a book on emotionally abusive relationships. Because my ex husband constantly told me negative things, then this guy followed suit, I have been believing that I’m the problem. As I’ve said in this thread too, I look at the persons good points and live for the good times which has resulted in me overlooking the bad sides or excusing them.

I think because he’s 20 years older he thinks he is wiser and can dictate. He has told me I’ve made a huge mistake moving away and will never be happy and will go downhill

There’s no moving in option as I have my daughter and I won’t put her under his roof. He is 63 now and has zero interest in my daughter and zero patience. He would upset her because he wouldn’t care if he hurt her feelings

Lol, projection much! Like he'll ever find someone 20 years his junior again xD

Please don't give him any more headspace though op. People who talk the way he does are nutters. Evil nutters.

Rotten people love to tell you how 'you'll never be able to...' and 'you'll never do better than...'. It's bs they say to try to hurt your self esteem.

He's a loser who lives his life trying to make other people feel small. Fuck him.

You just made me laugh. Thank you. He’s actually dated a lot of women and is very good looking. He looks ten years younger. He’s well off financially. I think the fact he’s been “loyally” trying to win me back even after so long - sent my head in a muddle . I had been surmising that he’s a good guy to be so patient and determined and must truly love me. I can’t offer him money. He’s got plenty. I’m very plain. He can do better looks wise. I’m not sure why he’s continued pursuing me and not given up. I must admit this is where my head and emotions have been mixed up

I’m not sure why he’s continued pursuing me and not given up

......because you defied him OP, made a decision and left, so now he's trying to manipulate you to get you back, so he can give himself a pat on the back, that he's 'won'!

Please stay away from him, block him if necessary and congratulate yourself for seeing through him and not allowing him to control you any longer.

Haha...umm how to put this delicately...I think a lot of handsome abusers date people who are arguably more plain, for that very reason - to make us think 'oh but they could date someone really, really pretty but they are dating me'. It fools us into thinking they must be a nice person who likes us for us. And it's flattering.

Also, it may make us feel insecure to think they could date someone 'prettier'. And they like us being on the back foot like that. They want us thinking we are lucky to have them. They want us worrying they could leave us at any time.

They play on insecurities and work hard to develop them us.

And tbf it's natural, even for the most confident person in the world to think they've won a watch when their partner is handsome. And to feel a little insecure about our own looks in comparison, even if its just on days where they aren't feeling their best (which, with a narcissist for a partner, will be regular).

The fact is though, they can have the most handsome face in the world qnd still be fucking empty inside. So it means nothing.

Also, he might do well with thr ladies, but you'll note...none of them have stuck around thus far...funny that xD they all eventually suss out that despite the pretty wrapping on the box, he's still filled with shit.

He's pursuing you because he wants a ready made family which at 63 would be slim pickings to recreate, and possibly because you come across as weak.

This.

Prick.

I would reply and thank him for his concern. That you love where you now live, and as you are SO YOUNG, you have every confidence that someone as lovely as you, WILL meet someone.

Twat....old twat, looking for a nurse/ carer.

You mark my words! He's looking for a carer.

I have a couple of tennis friends that are widowed and they said that it is a real thing in some men.
They are in their 60's and desperately miss being looked after by a woman and are very keen to have a replacement partner who will mind them.

Some of them aren't even subtle about it.
These women have zero interest in being a carer to another man, having nursed their late husbands.

They are very skittish about living with any man again, enjoying their independence a d loathe to give it up.
I hear golf clubs are a real hot spot for these men.