Should I Take Him Back

[tayla82]

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

[Ohtoberoavingagain]

Well I suppose the only positive is he’s hanging all the red flags out for you in advance. He’s telling you exactly how he’s going to control you, exactly what you’ll do, how you’ll live and how your daughter will live. You don’t get to choose any more, it’s his way or no way.
Do you want your daughter to spend the next 6 years like this? She’ll learn every day that women keep quiet, women do what men say, men control women’s lives. She’ll leave home only knowing what it’s like to be controlled by a man she’s not even related to.
But if that’s what you want for your life and hers, go for it.

[tayla82]

weve only been gone 10 months. Naturally she’s feeling unsettled as it takes time. She’s making friends here who are a lot more decent unlike the couple she had before who use the F and C word in every sentence. There’s many positives where we are. I’m in a different job with more time to spend with her and more activities here than the tiny bush town we were in where crime is high. Sometimes we make decisions that initially upset our children because we see the big picture.
And NO I don’t want to go back to the ex. I kept him separate from my daughter because of his attitude and would not put her under his roof even temporarily. All I’m going is asking the public their opinion because of the viewpoint from my best friend which surprised me.

[Poppyblush]

Your friend is a bloody idiot.

[AVFC69]

Relationships are about sharing, compromise, teamwork. Unless it suits your personality why would you let someone dictate to you or be controlling. Re your daughter and the age she is at, being around that type of man will only impact on negative thoughts towards men and could even damage her physiology. You need a partner who can add to your family, not control it. A man who wishes to assist and contribute to the raising of your child and help her to become a young woman who has wonderful values with a great outlook on life. I think you need to make your decision very wisely.

[TheWeeDonkey]

It sounds like you are making some really positive moves in your life. I can understand its taking your daughter a while to adapt but it looks like you are putting her needs first and thinking of what's best for her.

I think moving back would be a huge mistake as living with such an overbearing man when she's already an anxious child and used to a single parent household would be quite damaging to her.

Cut contact and block him, you need to move on, you can do so.much better

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Don't have anything to do with him, and apply the same to your friend!

[xJoyfulCalmWisdomx]

No way.

You know enough to know that keeping the peace requires you to collude in your own erosion.

You had to extend the olive branch and even after a year, he hasn't become more mature.

That combination of being domineering together with a low level of self-awareness is a terrible one to be around.

[xJoyfulCalmWisdomx]

Even when he's trying to win you back he's transparent enough to have a list of how he will control you (just to start with).

Your friend must be one of those women who thinks a woman has to have a man. That's all I can conclude. Who would tell a friend that they cared about to walk back in to this situation!?

[Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits]

No, just no

Well done on escaping a controlling, coercive arsehole. Don't wreck it now by going back to him.

Teach your daughter that if men don't treat you equally and with respect you leave them.

[ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus]

he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter.

No way I would consider going back to this.

[tayla82]

It seems on the surface he wants me in his life out of love for me offering all this help. Expressing his love for me. But then the rules and the control come out. He owns his home but says I can pay rent to help pay his rates because he wants to cut back on work. He will be retirement age in 4 years.

[Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits]

@tayla82

I moved away because I’ve come to a town where I have cousins and I had been in the previous place so long and it was stagnant.
i will definitely put my daughter first and my freedom and sanity.
one of my closest and oldest friends who lives in that town I was in, told me I’m overthinking things and I should give it a go. This coming from the most protective mother I know!! Maybe deep down she just wants me back because our daughters are best friends, however I wanted the views of people out there who don’t know me personally because I don’t want to go back to him, yet here’s my closest friend saying yes give it a go!

Your friend unfortunately appears to be underthinking things

What I have learnt over years of being on mumsnet is that unfortunately women who are in the depths of abusive and controlling relationships are often the most judgemental of those trying to leave them.

They have to justify other peoples relationships being okay because otherwise they might have to confront the fact that theirs isn't. But like you wouldn't take investment advice from a gambler, unfortunately they are not the people to take relationship advice from.

How is your friends relationship?

[tayla82]

Probably a friend who has lost her built in baby sitter. Always dumping her daughter on me so she could have quality time with her husband!

[tayla82]

Married 23 years but is a very volatile marriage. Either madly in love or on the verge of a divorce.

[Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits]

@tayla82

Married 23 years but is a very volatile marriage. Either madly in love or on the verge of a divorce.

So why are you taking relationship advice from her

Its like learning to drive from someone who has 12 points on their licence or learning to ride a bike from someone who can't reach the pedals.

Have the confidence in your convictions and ignore both your ex, and this friend who doesn't appear to have your best interests at heart.

[tayla82]

When I was dating him he made fun of my religious beliefs. He blamed every argument on me saying I am immature due to being 15 years younger. He said my parenting is awful. He told me what food I should be eating. He didn’t see an issue with talking to many ex girlfriends. If I helped friends out with different things whether cleaning something or driving them somewhere or looking after their child a few hours, he was annoyed. He even got upset I took a pregnant 18 year old to hospital to be examined late one night. He would tell me to shut up, hang up on me, ignore me for 2 days, even told me to F off a few times. I have ADD and he would shout at me if I didn’t answer his questions correctly or quick enough. I wanted to study nursing and he told me I’m too old. I’m in my 40s not 70s. The only time he was truly emotional and soft with me was when I broke up and said I’m leaving town. He cried and said he didn’t want to lose me.

[LondonWolf]

@tayla82

weve only been gone 10 months. Naturally she’s feeling unsettled as it takes time. She’s making friends here who are a lot more decent unlike the couple she had before who use the F and C word in every sentence. There’s many positives where we are. I’m in a different job with more time to spend with her and more activities here than the tiny bush town we were in where crime is high. Sometimes we make decisions that initially upset our children because we see the big picture.
And NO I don’t want to go back to the ex. I kept him separate from my daughter because of his attitude and would not put her under his roof even temporarily. All I’m going is asking the public their opinion because of the viewpoint from my best friend which surprised me.

I totally get why you moved and it sounds really positive. It was just combined with considering moving her again to live with this awful man that made me think WTF?!

[PaniniHead]

He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. Let alone your daughter. He is saying all of those things because he is a controlling, abusive twat and he wants you back under his control. It isn’t out of love- he feels he can manipulate you easily and that is exactly what will happen if you move back.

If you love your daughter, do not go back. Block all contact. If you do go back, I hope your daughter can live somewhere away from you both where she will be loved and treated as she deserves.

[velvetvixen]

@tayla82

It seems on the surface he wants me in his life out of love for me offering all this help. Expressing his love for me. But then the rules and the control come out. He owns his home but says I can pay rent to help pay his rates because he wants to cut back on work. He will be retirement age in 4 years.

He's expressing his love for HIMSELF. He wants a nurse with a purse for his old age.

[Passtherioja]

Please don't go back!

[bubblesdeville40]

Do not do it.

[SandyY2K]

It seems on the surface he wants me in his life out of love for me offering all this help. Expressing his love for me. But then the rules and the control come out. He owns his home but says I can pay rent to help pay his rates because he wants to cut back on work. He will be retirement age in 4 years.

Where exactly is hus expression of love...because I'm not seeing it at all.

He wants your financial assistance to help him retire. He's an awful man.


Probably a friend who has lost her built in baby sitter. Always dumping her daughter on me so she could have quality time with her husband

Yeah... she's not a good friend. I suggest you pull away from her.

he made fun of my religious beliefs. He blamed every argument on me saying I am immature due to being 15 years younger. He said my parenting is awful. He told me what food I should be eating.

If I helped friends out with different things whether cleaning something or driving them somewhere or looking after their child a few hours, he was annoyed. He even got upset I took a pregnant 18 year old to hospital to be examined late one night.


He wants to be the ONLY one who uses you. You sound like someone who helps everyone and get taken advantage of.

He would tell me to shut up, hang up on me, ignore me for 2 days, even told me to F off a few times. I have ADD and he would shout at me if I didn’t answer his questions correctly or quick enough.

Is he Hitler? He's despicable. Why would anybody want to be with a man like this.

I wanted to study nursing and he told me I’m too old.

Because he doesn’t want you to do better. Please pursue this if you want to.

*The only time he was truly emotional and soft with me was when I broke up and said I’m leaving town. He cried and said he didn’t want to lose me&

Because he knew that finding another woman who would tolerate his sh%t was near impossible.

[LastWordsOfALiar]

Oh OP, your confidence must be rock bottom to even consider this control freak of a man. Or to accept your "best friends" ridiculous view.

It's time to stand up and make good choices. Don't let others influence you. Just do what's best for your daughter.

That man sounds awful, truly. You'd be making a huge mistake to go back to him.

[tayla82]

My ex husband was a narcissistic man so I’m not great at making wise choices in men it seems.

[tayla82]

The odd thing is he has a close bond with his children, proud of his grandkids, soft with animals.