Should I Take Him Back

[tayla82]

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

[Hopefullysoon2022]

You know you go back especially living in his house,the abuse will ramp up even more.
Sounds like you have a good life where you are,stay there.

[Lozzerbmc]

Why on earth would you want to go back to someone like that ?!

[bumpycrop]

Just no. Respect yourself. Protect your daughter. Just absolutely no.

[tayla82]

I also wouldn’t have my daughter under his roof as he’s always looking at pornography which I find vile!

[Twillow]

You know what the answer is. The only plus is that your daughter would get to live where she used to, but the negative effects on her from his controlling behaviour far outweigh that.
You're not being silly to want a relationship, but you've tried this one already and the reasons why it ended still exist.

[Aquamarine1029]

@tayla82

My ex husband was a narcissistic man so I’m not great at making wise choices in men it seems.

It seems? Sorry, but it's the truth. You need therapy, as soon as you can get it. Even entertaining getting back together with this horrible man is madness. Your poor daughter.

[wellhelloitsme]

However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.

The fact you're even considering getting back together with someone who has openly said they will bully and isolate your daughter and is going to drive a wedge between you is deeply, deeply concerning.

It sounds like some therapy would be very beneficial to you in order to help you safeguard your daughter as currently the decisions you're considering are not adequately doing so.

[xJoyfulCalmWisdomx]

I agree, but although it sounds "rude" I have had therapy myself and benefitted so much. You just get turned off by this kind of controlling selfish entitled behavior when you're in a good place, so there's no need to agonise over the decision. You just think eugh no.
No court case of should I? Shouldn't I? in your head. Just eugh yuck leave me alone.

[tayla82]

He has never been allowed involvement with my daughter. I don’t need his help. It would be nice if he had wanted to get to know her in a positive way. Only twice were we under the same roof for a couple of hours. I am protective over her.
I am on the waiting list for a psychologist for therapy as private sessions are too expensive.
i am not considering going back to him. I have not said that. I have said I have big doubts and ALL I’ve wanted is public opinion so I can have all this back up to show my friend how nobody agrees with her warped opinion!

[TooHotToTangoToo]

No, why are you even considering it.

All the plus points about your new area too. Your dd will settle there, if she wants to see her old friends you can take her. As for your friend, no wonder she wants you back if you've always babysat for her, she's being selfish. I don't have the time to write down all the negative points about your ex

[SelfMadeWoman]

Christ, after reading your updates...NO!

[tayla82]

Nothing is bullshit. Everything is truthful. I’m it denying my stupidity but not one detail is made up. You’re entitled to your opinion though.

[rainbowstardrops]

From what you've written, there doesn't seem to be one good thing about this controlling man!
Stay the hell away from him and focus on your daughter.
Oh and I'd consider re-evaluating your friend because her advice is incredibly dodgy.

[tayla82]

I am 100% committed to my daughter and improving myself. I grew up from age 2 with awful step parents so I will never put my child through that.

[newbiename]

Please don't go back it would be a disaster.

[wellhelloitsme]

I am not considering going back to him. I have not said that.

To be fair OP, your thread title is "should I take him back" so it was a reasonable assumption that you were considering it...

[Tails79]

I won’t move back because it’s a dead end town. High crime. High drug use. Less support structures for me and my daughter. It’s too expensive to relocate and the few friends my daughter has in that town are not good influences. They all come from homes where there’s a family member using or dealing drugs, the girls have too much freedom and not much attention paid to their education

[billy1966]

@Tails79

I won’t move back because it’s a dead end town. High crime. High drug use. Less support structures for me and my daughter. It’s too expensive to relocate and the few friends my daughter has in that town are not good influences. They all come from homes where there’s a family member using or dealing drugs, the girls have too much freedom and not much attention paid to their education

Is that you OP?

Glad to read you will not return to that awful man.

Clearly he is looking for a nurse with a purse for his retirement, who will help pay his bills.

Well done for moving away and giving your daughter the chance of a better life and future.

[Butteralwaysmeltsaway]

Tell him where to stick his controlling ways and move on - for both your sakes. Your daughter will thank you one day.

What an odiously horrible man he sounds. Are you trauma bonded to him as nobody in their right mind would get back with him.

[perfectcolourfound]

Hi Op. You said you don't want to go back to him. You've given a dozen or more really, really good reasons to never see this vile man again.

And yet your friend's opinion has made you question yourself.

You know your own mind. Your friend doesn't. She hasn't lived your life, doesn't have your feelings. She may be acting in her own interests. She may just be a bad giver of advice. Whatever the reason, know this - WE ALL AGREE WITH YOU.

But your own opinion is all that matters. Not wanting to be with someone is the only reason you ever need to not be with them.

Your friend's opinion isn't worth more than yours. It's worth significantly less, if anything.

[Tails79]

Yes sorry it’s taken me a while to respond to your original post. I’m really trying to make a better life and future for my daughter and I even if at present she cannot see it and tells me how much she wants to move back to where we were. Her main friend there has a brother been busted few times by cops for drug dealing and use. The other best friend has parents who dabble in all sorts of drugs. I really do not want her around that.

[Tails79]

I think I was trauma bonded or just codependent. Based on research I’ve done.

[Tails79]

I’ve been reading up on controlling relationships and verbal abuse. It comes in cycles and that’s where I was stuck because when it’s good - it’s great and those are the moments I clung to and kept me emotionally invested/hooked. I forget the bad times because the good moments were such a high

[Codlingmoths]

Hi ex, wow how generous of you. As long as I change my job and entire parenting approach and pay you rent you will have me back? If I didn’t know you better I’d think it was a joke. I’m a great mum with a lovely daughter who I would never expose to your attitude, I live in a much better area now and just no thanks to every single part of your ‘offer’.