Should I Take Him Back

[tayla82]

Hi All
i have been a single mother almost 8 years. I was in a relationship which I ended nearly a year ago. The only man I’ve had anything to do with since my divorce. He is a confident, intelligent, hard working man. His daughters are adult now and living away. My daughter is only 12. I moved away when I ended my relationship with him, wanting to start a fresh chapter. Although he’s mature and capable, he is fairly domineering and likes things his way and gets snappy easily. He never said sorry after a disagreement and I had to make the peace. He was always telling me how to parent yet didn’t want to spend time with my daughter. She misses the town we were in as her friends are there and often asks to move back although I’m happier where I am now. Anyway the ex has contacted me saying he still loves me and wants me to come back. He will travel up and come get me and my daughter and we can stay with him until affordable accommodation is available. He will help get me on my feet. However he hadn’t changed in his views on my daughter. He’s already telling me what I can and can’t do upon my return and when we are in his house temporarily, my daughter cannot have friends over and I cannot drop her at school or pick her up, she must catch the bus. I cannot lie by her at night which I do every night for 15 minutes as she gets anxiety. He’s telling me I must work more hours and a general list of “rules”.
I don’t want to be controlled and even though he seems like he wants me back in his life, it’s too conditional and he’s not prepared to be a positive meaningful role in my daughters life.
it’s not easy being alone and I have feelings for him still so am I silly for being very uncertain of accepting his offer?

[Tails79]

He wants nothing to do with my daughter. He has 3 adults kids and 2 grandchildren.

[Tails79]

Good for them being independent and showing the men they are not desperate and lonely!! I love the way you answered my post as it’s made a valid point but in a comical way. It’s so good to have women to ask advice from because they’re more intuitive. Appreciate it

[Tails79]

He’s been offering financial help and use of his car etcetera. I wonder if it’s genuine at all or just ways to lure me back and then it would turn to shyte or he would dump me as payback for leaving

[billy1966]

The fact you need to protect your child from him, should be enough for you.

He's a twat.

[Tails79]

She wouldn’t have anything to do with him because he’s not interested in including her. I won’t go back to that. It’s not fair him excluding her and isolating her

[Tails79]

Haven’t gone back. Not going back. Started giving me rules of what he expects me to either do or not do, going on about how I have to work hard to win back his love and trust seems I left town. Telling me I can’t be friends with one of my friends he dislikes. All negativity. Yes he offered the finances to relocate and talked about taking me on holidays, but I don’t see anything improving in the areas I had unhappiness in before

[Opentooffers]

At the end of the day it looks very much like you are a person who is ready and willing to put up with all sorts of crap that other people generally don't. The only reason you have had this amount of rubbish in your life is you, so if you don't want the shit from people to continue, you need counselling to sort out why you've wasted so much time in your life accepting it.
You've got a long list of negatives about your ex, that you keep adding to. The more you say how bad he was, the more it shows how messed up your views are.
Same with your 'friend'. Sounds like your friendship was largely based on what you could do for her, and here she is again, clearly having a way out opposite opinion to any sane person, because she's quite happy for you and your DD to have an awful life as long as you are there to help her with whatever she wants.
Unless you get help yourself, you'll just keep finding and putting up with users and abusers. There is an endless supply in life of them, we all come across them. The difference is you are sticking with them instead of binning them off as you should do. Your filter is broken and needs fixing basically.

[Tails79]

Parents split when I was 2. Dad left for mothers best friend. Focused on her not us kids. He ruled over us like Hitler. Mom married a violent drunk. Brother and sister went off the rails. Dad joined JW religion and I was kept on such a tight leash. Eventually broke away and married the first serious boyfriend I had. 16 years later he left for another woman. I haven’t really had a secure male presence in my life nor had decent relationships modelled to me in my family. Plus because I have borderline personality disorder I tend to blame myself or be blamed for any issues I have.

[Catoo]

@thethoughtfox

Stay the fuck away from this man.

This

[billy1966]

God love you OP, you have had a very tough time of it, yet somehow you put what is best for your child first and moved away.

@Opentooffers is harsh, a bit like me sometimes! but she is correct in what she has written if you can take it in the spirit I think it is meant.

Unfortunately there are lots of people around that will treat you badly and use you given half a chance.

You have written a shocking list of behaviour that this man has indulged in.

You obviously know that this is not good behaviour.

You would be well advised to look into counselling to help protect you from behaviour that you know is wrong.

It will help you hugely going forward.

[Tails79]

I do not think anyone is harsh. People are honest and want to help and see things through different lenses which is good because it gives me perspective. It’s helpful in that I don’t feel like I’m the villain because I have BPD. It’s not all my fault and I have a right to be wary about this guy’s behaviour!

[Tails79]

Not going back

[minmooch]

Please block this man. Do not communicate with him ever again.

He is not your friend.

He does not love you.

He wants nothing to do with your daughter.

He messes with your mind.

Just stop all communication with him. He is no good for you or your daughter.

[NewStartNow]

Just block him already. It's been months!

[BMW6]

Next time he rings tell him to FUCK OFF then block his number.

[Tails79]

Yes I will. He was talking about coming to visit me - but stopping off overnight in a town where an ex girlfriend is. I asked if he will see her and he shouted at me saying why am I so inquisitive and have to know everything. He’s not trustworthy in my opinion

[Pinkbonbon]

@Tails79

Yes I will. He was talking about coming to visit me - but stopping off overnight in a town where an ex girlfriend is. I asked if he will see her and he shouted at me saying why am I so inquisitive and have to know everything. He’s not trustworthy in my opinion

Sounds like he set you up by telling you he was stopping off in that town. He wanted you to enquire if he would see the ex. So he could shout at you and tell you 'you have issues'.

[Tails79]

Well I think he does like to bait me to get a reaction, then call me crazy and paranoid. But also probably does have nefarious intentions! Best he stays single so he can have his casual hook ups!!

[Tails79]

I blocked him several times and he emails (even though it goes to spam) saying please talk, don’t ghost me, we can be friends surely, hurting his feelings. And then I feel guilty and unblock him. This time I won’t give in

[BMW6]

Blow up the bridge OP.

"I've been polite, you aren't listening. Now Fuck Off you pathetic old creep. Is this clear enough? I want NOTHING more to do with you"

Then block and stay blocked.

[Hallmark1234]

It's MANIPULATION pure and simple. Don't fall for it!

[billy1966]

@BMW6

Blow up the bridge OP.

"I've been polite, you aren't listening. Now Fuck Off you pathetic old creep. Is this clear enough? I want NOTHING more to do with you"

Then block and stay blocked.

This.

"Pathetic OLD creep" covers it nicely.

[Tails79]

i agree because he knows I don’t like hurting anyone’s feelings

[Tails79]

I will do this

[SammyScrounge]

It is very silly to even consider going back to him. What will your daughter's.life be like living with him? No friends visiting, no spontaneity because the unexpected might set him off? What business of it of his if you give your girl lifts to school?
.He'll.squash the life out of the pair of you in no time. You know it's no life for your daughter.You have a choice in the matter. She doesn't.