Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

Oh god! Not another autism bashing thread. Let's hope this one can be less one sided and more open minded than previous threads

Already reported to Mumsnet to ask for some oversight and moderation.

That’s a good start

thank you @Daftasabroom

@UncorrectedDoormat All of the threads in this series are already heavily moderated as a matter of course.

Thank you @Daftasabroom .

I find these threads very helpful for understanding my DH's thinking and behaviour and working out more constructive ways of communicating. I'm cautiously optimistic we can improve our relationship.

Thank you @Daftasabroom

I found this podcast about neurodiversity in relationships useful - insights with practical examples.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/neurodiversity-in-relationships-making-differences-work/id1526864561?i=1000532738011

I've been a lurker on the previous thread and I don't read what most people have posted as autism bashing, @UncorrectedDoormat . I would also point out (as you likely know), that there is a dedicated forum for people who are, in the main, proud to be autistic, a few of whom indulge in NT-bashing.

I'm not saying that autism exists in a vacuum nor that I carry no aggravating baggage of my own. But it is the only platform I have found since I became aware that there was both an intimacy and a communication problem, to help me find my way through the mists and work out what this strange non-relationship is, which began before even the term 'extreme male brain' gained currency. 'Planet Flat' as a poster on thread 5 coined it. And many other things too, for which I had no words previously, but only tears of frustration, thwartedness and self-recrimination.

Thank God, and Daftasabroom for this thread.

It’s going to be one sided, it’s a support thread for partners of autistic people. It’s not meant to be a balanced debate.

I say that as someone with ADHD. It’s totally ok for NT people in relationships with ND people to want their own space to share experiences and support each other without having to constantly defend themselves from accusations of autism bashing.

Its best to hide these kind of threads if it upsets you.

Have you any idea just how confrontational, contextually naive, and aggravating your post was? I mean the first post on a thread which clearly states:

ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.

FFS. I'm going to go and get a wonderful hug from my wonderful AS son.

I'm a lurker due to my strong interest in relationship dynamics in general (also lurk on the thread for autistic people seeking support in their relationships with NT people). Everyone struggling has my deepest sympathies. I just wondered if I could ask, though, is there anyone who posts on these threads who would say that their autistic (or potentially autistic - I realise many partners aren't diagnosed for various reasons) partner doesn't have alexithymia?

@allthegoddamntime speaking personally DW definitely does not have alxithymia, in private she would probably come across as fairly highly strung. Masking in public she comes across as lovely.

@allthegoddamntime my dh has alexithymia. It’s one thing that is making it hard tbh.

Do you have a link to the thread for people with ASD seeking support?

I don't think my ex does. Operative word, 'think'.

He certainly has strong passions but denies them. You detect them from changes in behaviour. If something happens that most people would find upsetting, he denies that he has any reaction but then he acts differently - his driving style changes for example depending on his mood, though he will deny it to the end of time. His body posture can change, specifically if he's happy about something. There are external observers who have noticed these changes as well as me.

I suspect that indeed he has emotions but prefers to deny them which is not quite the same as alexithymia.

@allthegoddamntime I've done a bit of Googling but I'm still not sure what alexithymia is. I thought initially it was a lack of emotion, definitely not DW. But if it is lack of ability to understand or express emotion in an appropriate way that definitely is DW. Another but - it depends on the audience.

Thank you @Daftasabroom. I agree with all you have written in reply to @UncorrectedDoormat.

@allthegoddamntime
My DH has been professionally diagnosed as autistic but I'd say he doesn't have alexithymia. Although he has frequent emotional disregulation, he can identify a reasonable range of his own emotions. I think autism and alexithymia do often co-exist but can be entirely separate.

(Dysregulation)

@Daftasabroom thank you so much. You seem to express so eloquently the struggles feelings etc that I have and face. Thanks especially for your reply to @UncorrectedDoormat

Could anyone tell me if autism tends to change as people get older? My husband is 63. We have not lived together for seven years, due to a complex family situation involving our sons, however, we see each other every day.

Over the past four years or so, my husband seems to be finding it more difficult to make decisions, more difficult to adapt his routines, and more difficult to control his anxieties. He seems to have adopted the persona of someone much older than his years and easily becomes overwhelmed.

It is as if he has become 'more autistic' as he is getting older.

Watching with interest

Old thread here

@mrsparsnip I think most people tend to polarise and become more entrenched or set in their ways as they get older, I also think we have less energy to deal with situations we find difficult. And I think that as our life experiences increase and we encounter situations we have seen before that didn't turn out well, particularly if we have less energy to deal with them, I can see that being very stressful.

For both DS and DW I think their autism comes closer to the surface when stressed.

mrsparsnip

^ I work in older adult mental health (complex, severe and enduring, not primary care so that skews who I will write about here). What we sometimes see are people who are ND (many not diagnosed until recently or through our team) having got through life using a series of structures/practices/routines. Then because of their roles in life changing, possibly due to ill health, retirement, adult kids moving out etc, those previously effective structures or routines disappear or change and the range of coping strategies are diminished if someone is physically unwell or frail mentally or physically. With support people can learn new ones of course, but certainly there is a shift in later life.

Hello, hoping I can join. DH and I have been married for 11 years, two DC - DS who's nine and DD who's six. DS was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD a few months ago after a (very) long fight to have our concerns taken seriously. I also strongly suspect DH has ASD but haven't broached this with him; I suspect it wouldn't go down well.

I can find him difficult to live with at times, largely because of his inability to cope with any loss of control in a situation, however minor. He gets incredibly angry if something doesn't go his way - earlier this week it was some cling film that wasn't cooperating! These outbursts are often over as quickly as they've arrived but I hate them. (He's never violent or even threatened violence towards me or kids so no concerns there, and any OTT anger is always either directed at inanimate objects for not cooperating or himself if he makes a mistake so again, the kids and I aren't the focus of it.)

I've spoken to him about control - before I had my ASD suspicions - and he just doesn't seem to see why it's such an issue - he just expects to be left to get on with it and then carry on like it hasn't happened. But I do worry about the impact it has on the kids and it creates such an atmosphere in the house that I find it really difficult. It's also always me who has to remain calm, reassure the kids, and I sometimes find that exhausting and, frankly, unfair.

The icing on the cake is when he admonishes DS for the very same behaviour he displays! He genuinely has the nerve to lecture him about not getting so angry (DS displays similar behaviours. Whether that's genetic or observed, learned behaviour who knows - probably a bit of both tbf) and it's all I can do to stop myself - in front of DS anyway - from saying don't be such a bloody hypocrite. I have said this to him afterwards, alone, though. It doesn't seem to register.

I don't know if this is similar to what others are experiencing but any advice for either dealing with it or how to cope with it would be great.