Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I have not decompressed but when I read the post above it’s what I dream about.

For me, decompression would look like being able to break away from the routine.

we’ve visited the same high street chain for the last 14 years for lunch on the same day of the weekend. Every bloody weekend.

having someone available with free time to have me as their special interest, not their special interest.

breaking out of every aspect of the routine which has broken me

being able to feel joy, which has been taken from me

to not care about the order in which things are done, or the “right thing for the right job”

not being criticised for just living according to what I thought was ok. (It’s not ok, apparently)

having friends over. Having friends stay over. Having fun. Having frivolous non sensical, throw caution to the wind moments.

to feel alive again. To feel like me, with hope, instead of endless putting one foot in front of the other. The trudge, the boredom, the monotony, the exhaustion.

of course in all life there’s some of that but it’s interspersed with something that lifts you up. But I don’t get that. Decompression would look like a lot of that. Freedom just to exist again, as me.

Glad it helped.

You could also ask yourself if he’s like this in all situations and with everyone. Or if it’s just with you.

Yes, there’s an element of
masking and then coming home and falling apart. But, if his disorganisation and lack of awareness of time or care about anyone’s feelings is not impacting upon his work in any meaningful way, or his friendships, then there’s a big side order of being a shit partner along with any ADHD.

Does he always remember to text his mum back? Or his friends? Ask yourself questions like that.

@Notahappychick ADHD can be treated with medications. ASC as far as I know can not.

@SudocremOnEverything more good advice, thank you.

@Daftasabroom I wouldn’t say he needs medication, just a kick up the arse maybe 😂

A lot of it is stupid stuff really, things like he knows I’m trying to lose weight but will bring home snacks or want to go out for dinner three times a week but at the same time tell me it’s just about willpower. He can’t seem to remember that the dirty dishes go near the sink not the other side of the kitchen and this morning I came down to find he’d hung his coat on the fridge door ffs!!! I mean who would do that! Honestly it’s like he’s on a mission to find weird places to put things. Reading back I know it sounds petty but it’s often the little things that break the proverbial straw isn’t it. And I don’t want to consider entering into a marriage if I’m already resenting him being around.

@LizCrust that made me cry. I could have written it. It’s my life.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Big solidarity and hugs to you. As someone said on here, we can hold hands in a virtual circle here and know that we are there for each other, in our quiet understanding, on this thread. Our vents, our sadness, our exhaustion. It's all here for us to share and know that we are not alone. You are not alone and this is not necessarily forever. I know how alone you feel though as in my bad moments I feel like I cannot solve this problem and then it really hurts. The despair.

Please try to take time for yourself, alone. I find that helps. Maybe you have times when you feel better - try if you can to find some of those things or moments to help you?

This really nailed it for me @LizCrust !

I need to join this thread as I am feeling so lonely and numb in my relationship at the moment (not married but doing IVF) and you guys all resonate with me so much. I’m a tactile emotional ADHDer with an ASD DP. He means so well but like someone else said, he is an island. 5 or 6 years in and he still feels like a stranger or a housemate sometimes. And the contact corrections of what I’m doing (being ‘helpful’), gah!

Please be so careful. I adore my kids. But if I had my time over with I’m not sure I would procreate with DH. I’ve had many years of heartache watching my ASD kids struggle repeatedly with things I never had a problem with. Mostly friendships.

DD is now making friends. Aged 14. But it’s casual, not true friends. Yet. Maybe ever. I don’t know.

DS is being bullied relentlessly at the moment I’ve moved his school twice now I must consider another change. He’s going through exactly what DD went through.

the mental toll has been exhausting. I’ve given up work because of the amount of fighting I must do and the amount of emotional and physical support they’ve needed.

DH also was too obsessed with work as well to share childcare duties, let alone share the emotional fall out of having ASD kids. He’s not wanted to know.

I feel I must warn you as ASD is genetic and very much from DH. The chances of your children having same or similar issues to your DH are high, especially the first child.

im not saying I’d want to not have autism within the human race. These neurotypes are very much needed.

only that I have had to become strong in ways I didn’t want to and I have cried so many many tears.

I have been excluded from friendship circles of mums too because my kids don’t fit in.

so whichever way I turn there’s no companionship. I am alone. I’ve tried my best but my energy looking after them is mostly used up every week/month so there is very little time for friends.

I used to have loads and a fun and interesting life. Not anymore.

@LizCrust don’t worry, I’m 40 and we’ve had ten losses and struggle to get normal embryos so we are likely to end up childless. It’s my only shot at having kids (and if we managed it I expect them to inherit ND from both of us) so I feel I need to try everything. I am doing all I can to reduce the epigenetic impact of inherited genes for ND (particularly interested in the connection with MTHFR).

Unmumsnetty hugs to you all.

Lizcrust, When I'm with DH I relate to much of what you posted. Especially the criticism and lack of fun or joy. I'm lucky that I enjoy my work and get time with friends. I really feel for those of you who don't have that ☹️.

I'm sorry Phrenologistsfinger ☹️. Hoping you do get the chance to be a parent no matter what ND challenges lie ahead.

Another issue here is DH (diagnosed autistic) and DD1 (very similar traits) regularly arguing because they both think they're right about something and can't see each other's perspective.

It's exhausting to listen to and I never quite know if/when I should step in between them.

I can see DD2 gets stressed about it too but DH and DD1 don't pick up on her body language and expressions.

More hugs from me too. I hope you make it then if it's your only chance. I was writing like you had a chance to consider your options - but I can see from this that you don't.
My children are a wonderous joy much of the time, but it's the outside world that's so very painful at times. I would have wished for an easier time for me - and possibly for you, for all of us, could it have been possible.

Baby dust wishes thrown into the ethernet and all over you, I hope OP! Very best of luck <3

We have the same set up. I intervene as early as possible or else it becomes quite explosive between them ending with DD in tears and slamming doors and shouting and DH extremely tense and angry refusing to back down.

neither will budge. Then me and DS are left quivering, just wanting to get on with our lives.

It is all just so so so stressful. I can’t understand why it can escalate so quickly as well.

only takes a wrong word and poof, mushroom cloud.

How do you do that without undermining your DH?

only takes a wrong word and poof, mushroom cloud

Totally

The chances of your children having same or similar issues to your DH are high, especially the first child.

Please can you post the evidence that there's a higher possibility of neurodiversity being inherited by the first child.

This makes no sense, genetically. Genes do not know if you have children already. They operate in exactly the same way regardless of whether a sibling exists. What if one parent had a child already and one did not? This seems like nonsense, frankly so please do explain your evidence and link to it.

Yeah. I think it’s important to separate out what may be neurodivergence from the bits that are being a shit partner.

Indeed. Especially given that most shit partners are not neurodivergent, and there's absolutely no evidence that most neurodivergent partners are shit. So the fact that in rare cases these two qualities overlap shows you absolutely nothing about them being remotely related.

Many people may like chicken and also not speak French. You wouldn't take that to iimply any link between the two unless you are very dense.

That’s interesting, I wonder if there are any couples who have no issues when one has ASD and the other is NT.

I’m sure my last 2 partners are autistic but they are not diagnosed (my children with them are) it’s bad but if I met someone with a diagnosis now I would not want to be in a relationship with them.

Hi all I'm autistic, 44 and I find these threads interesting not offending. I know i can be difficult with my social anxieties and habits. But my husband is difficult too. Sometimes I wonder why we got married as hes so different to me. But opposites attract right. Hmmm. I wish I was as outgoing as him. No confidence issues no social struggles no anxiety.

But What about diagnosed who are struggling with their partners not understanding them or their diagnosed child. Its hard work on both sides. My husband is very narcissistic and its a nightmare. Dont get me started on that. 🙄

In my experience its worsened as ive got older (I'm 44 diagnosed ) especially with peri menopausal symptoms setting in. But I understand myself more now

It is hard work for both partners sending hugs x

Id just like to send you some hugs. Im going through simular however I'm the autistic one with health issues and my husband is the one with no empathy at all. Its hard work. Im overly empathetic and sensitive, not all autistics have none. I hope things get easier for you x

Just want to send hugs to all of you in difficult situations, some of them sound so draining. I’m sorry I have no advice and no experience, just feel for those of you who should be able to see their partner as a source of love and solace but are missing out in different ways 😟