Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 5

[Bluebellforest1]

New thread

I am in a ASD / NT relationship that works. It took a lot of work. I (the NT partner) had to accept that DW (the ASD partner) needs me to be very clear at all times, not rely on cues, and that I have to accept a degree of conflict. For her, she deals with it by showing her love towards me, which helps when things don't go as they should.

I suppose we have, through lots of trial and error, found a way of looking after each other, and making allowances for each other, that suits us. No different to any successful marriage. Finding ways to love and care for each other with our different personalities, of which ASD may be an ingredient.

Applying that to @Gioia1 it's irrelevant what causes the bad behaviour. It's unacceptable, isn't going to stop and, if it were happening to me, would have me making plans to leave the relationship. No one has to accept being treated like that.

@TomPinch @MineIsBetterThanYours

You are both right. Am moving out tomorrow with my daughter into a little apartment.

His father turned up at 11pm last night screaming at me that I have a mental disorder. I simply asked him why he couldn’t accept his son’s diagnosis and support him rather that deflecting and blaming me. His answer was that he helps him twice a week with the garden and window cleaning.

if my 37 year old son wasn’t trying to carry out his responsibilities, I certainly wouldn’t overcompensate for him.

Honestly it feels like am living in a film

i have no more words left because the more I split facts with them the more attached emotionally to their ideas.

since I told him a week ago that I am seeking a legal separation and moving out,he’s taken to calling my own friends male and female begging them to beg me to stay. Some of them don’t even know how bad things are because I don’t talk much about my situation to them.

Why he would do that honestly i don’t know. It makes me more convinced that leaving is the right thing to do

Loss of control. It may be also that he hates the idea of the status quo changing so he's doing anything he can to pressure you so the status quo stays the same.

He may genuinely not understand what you are finding so impossible to live with. To keep it specific to my ex, he never could understand what the problem was in a situation or why I couldn't just forget it.

He maybe hasn't been taught, or doesn't care, how manipulative it is to ring your friends to pressure you. Maybe if you say, when you get yet another call, that he's been ringing everyone then a few pennies will start to drop.

People outside almost never do see how bad things are for the person stuck inside a bad relationship :/ It takes either experience or a lot of training or a really good intuition.

@Gioia1 I'm glad you're getting away. This was not a healthy partnership for you to be in. Take care.

New thread here

For the most part I have a good relationship with my husband, who is Asperger's. I love him loads and I know he loves me and he's very loyal. However his interests take over his life and I am not one of them. He never takes me anywhere or suggests anywhere to go or any activity to do together. I have built a life outside of him and have friends and plenty of things to do but I think I miss having a man who is interested in me and who I can connect with. I can't do this though because I love my husband and I'd hate to hurt him, but I am a bit lonely for male attention if you know what I mean? He doesn't like to share anything with me so I feel sometimes that although we are close, we are also miles apart. I know this doesn't make sense - can anyone relate? I think I need to have a conversation that isn't centred around his interests. And I'd like to be taken out, I'd like someone to organize things, instead of me having to do it. He literally gets up at about 1pm in weekends (cos he stays up late watching football and listening to music - his two interests) and then when he's up he turns the telly on and watches football. I do all kinds of things and do enjoy myself but I sometimes feel like I'm single.

Hello, I do understand and empathise with you. I have the same problem. I have decided that I need to separate because whilst my DH probably loves me, it's not enough for me. You deserve to feel connected but I'm sure you know that. Btw there is another thread set up- continuation of this one but I don't know how to link it. The link is in this thread though