Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

And do note I used the word individual. Because ironically on this board we tend to talk in very specific terms, recognising that our marriages are unique though with one common thread - deep loneliness. Such deep loneliness.

The point you’re refusing to acknowledge is that his autism WAS the problem. It made him seek behaviours which were incompatible with marriage and family life. He, as a consequence of his autism, can’t do marriage. He is unmarriageable. I’m the only adult romantic relationship he has ever had. I doubt he will have another. His autism caused this. Can you see that?

Jamon, should a person with autism ever be required to change, or moderate their behaviour?

So let me get that right….
your DH has autism and can’t cope your the arrival of dcs (noise, unpredictable etc….) so …. You just leave??

You’re telling us that staying because we tried to accommodate our DH was wrong.
well that’s a take I wasn’t expecting I have to say.

im wondering what our DH would have to say to that. Because mine certainly hasn’t left despite all the difficulties and apparently me being ableist and not being accepting enough of him, for who he was.
So it makes me wonder…. Is it possible that actually he wants me to stay?

Ha yes they living with it everyday thing.

Again you realise you are talking to a bunch of people who have quite a few disabilities themselves and have to live with their disabilities themselves…

I can only talk about me but I certainly don’t expect DH to live his life so it fits ME and my disability. I don’t stop him going walking and camping when I can’t.
Maybe I should tell him he has to adjust to my disability too. That he should just stay at home all day long (I’m close to being housebound). And if that doesn’t work, it’s his fault for not being able to adjust to that, not mine and it’s certainly nit because I’m disabled. Never mind his special interest is all about being outdoors.

Get it. I’ll have a word with him about it.
Because marriage is about give and take right?

If you don't personally know @Chuntypops you really really aren't qualified to comment. So please don't.

Please ignore distractions and quibbling and the endless self-centredness of some posters who see their own views as more important than even other disabled people!

@SquirrelSoShiny take a break. Honestly. Remember you do have long distance support from us.

I really think that by engaging, people are making this awful derailement worse.

No, no, no, no that is not marriage or any long term relationship. If that's what you think a relationship is about you don't deserve one

Relationships are about equality, transparency, caring, togetherness, support, hugs, awareness, equality, meeting each others needs. I could go on but did I mention equality?

Put up, shut up, or leave is a truly shit attitude.

I’d also add if you dint know her DH. Because I think we have all agreed that autism is a spectrum and doesn’t affect people in the same way.
Eg Some people with autism live independently, some can’t. And again some can hold down very good jobs but need someone at home to remind them of basic life necessities (like brushing their teeth or feeding a child on time).

Im surprised to see so many generalities about autistic people been said by someone who is an expert in autism tbh. I thought this was basic knowledge that when you have seen one person with autism, then you’ve seen one person with autism. It doesn’t say anything about all or another person with autism.

I hear you @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar .

@Daftasabroom seeing the unusually high number if posts, we are getting close to the 1000 posts. Are you feeling up to creating a new thread when we come closer to it?

@SquirrelSoShiny ((hugs))
Seriously contemplating leaving a marriage that you have fought for is hard. Please reach out if you need help. Take @Cactuslove offer too. I’d happily help you too but I’ve only filled the forms in. Haven’t had my assessments so I don’t know yet if I’ve ‘done them right’ if that makes sense.

Thank you yes.

Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth....

Ahhh, better already!

@WakingUpDistress I'll set one up shortly, this has gone really quick.

Sorry, that’s me isn’t it? I hit the worm because I was so stunned at such a position.

Not a problem, it's hard to resist I know! been there done that =)

Thank you to the people who are here to support each other. Thank you.

It's hard to resist the engagement because it is such a road to Damascus moment and they have been building over the last few months. It doesn't matter what you want. They actually said those words to me.

I'm sitting here in my car feeling lost and you're giving me the courage to go and do something for myself. What do I even want? I feel so lost sometimes. You guys are forcing me to come up with a plan so I'm doing it. Nothing major and impulsive and crazy. Just something nice for me to do for the next two hours.

@SquirrelSoShiny oh please let us what you end up doing! 😃😃

This. A reminder of the pact not to engage.

@SquirrelSoShiny It's clear you are distraught now. Try to breath steadily; it literally helps calm your system down - have you got any friends you can visit tonight? You really need some real company at the moment.

It will help to plan. Even if it's fragmentary plans at the moment. These small fragments can be joined together later. Take care to eat regularly and reasonably well and if you can, exercise. Our bodies are made and designed to move and it helps release endorphins that help you cope.

So far: bought two books, some clothes not from a charity shop and my favourite: a very beautiful notebook and sparkly pens to start planning the next stage of my life. It felt significant.

Now I'm sitting in a Greggs. (In the film version of my life I'll make it somewhere more glam and I'll manage not to pour coffee down my jumper.)

I'm going to be ok and we are all going to be OK. Thank you for being there, regulars x

Unfortunately the salient point was missed.

The article you signposted is about empathy.
The conversation on this thread has been about emotional reciprocity.

The salient point in this context is
empathy and emotional reciprocity are not the same thing.

Lack of emotional reciprocity is an issue in the autistic context marriages as experienced and described on this thread.
It may not be coincidental that DSM5 indicates deficiencies in social emotional reciprocity in autism.

On qualifications and lived, and work experience - snap and I'll raise you! :) haha. So advisory - Before using this thread / ideas / posts here for your PhD you will need to contact Mumsnet re copyright, as they own it.

Good luck with your research and viva voce - (where you will be called upon to defend your ideas research and findings).

I hope you continue to develop your understandings and appreciations :)

^article that was posted

So pleased you've found a space to recover, sparkly pens (significant - shine), notebook, clothes and books. That's quite a haul :) Greggs with some coffee down the jumper sounds cinematic to me!

Yes @SquirrelSoShiny

All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
(Julian of Norwich)

Leaving the thread. I wish the posters in marriages where there is a emotional reciprocity (and those in recovery) all the very best.

Glad you’re feeling a little better @SquirrelSoShiny . One step at a time.