Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

@Daftasabroom aw that's tough. It sounds stressful for both of you.

Expectations on both sides are just so unevenly weighted in the NT/ND relationship at times. Our 'normals' are so different. Neither is right or wrong - just different.

And yet it's hard to square off that circle as it never ever gets squared. There's always endless bumps in the road. I wonder if anyone ever reaches a sense of peace and acceptance with it all.

I've done a lot of work to get my self-esteem to a place where I can cope but it's been tragic along the way. I have had to grow in ways I never thought I could, or would have wanted to, but it's been necessary to continue to facilitate this relationship.

I just wish for a hug sometimes. To be truly seen. I get hugs but they are generally quite perfunctory. Part of a routine greeting. There is no feeling behind them. I remember others who were not like that.

I have Asperger's (nhs diagnosed a few years ago) and so do 2 out of my 5 living children. We are a nightmare to live with. Especially me

@MoscowDragon8 may I ask how old you are?

I'm so glad I found this thread.
Partially separated to a DH who has just been diagnosed, in his 30s.
Two kids, 1 being assessed.
Wow that article was hard to read. It's so accurate. That hurt to read.
I don't know why I'm posting, I just feel so lonely and confused.

@ithoughtitmihtbenicetochat can I ask what made you decide to leave?

I can’t help but keep thinking about a life separate from DH as he adds so little to my life. Our lives are already so very separate. I dream of my own space, my own thoughts, with the freedom to remember who I am again. The person I was at 27 was so hopeful and excited for life. I was optimistic much of the time.

the thing is I feel trapped.

I gave up my career because I couldn’t cope with DH, let alone how it was once children came and both have ASD. One is more minor than the other.

I have no skills or let’s say they’re 20 years out of date.

who wants to employ someone of 47? I am scared about money.

and I am so exhausted from it all I can’t imagine crawling out to work every day, plus coping with the children.

I do wish I’d got away earlier. So much earlier. Well done for making the break. I was too weak to do it.

Early 40s, diagnosed by the NHS a few years ago and unofficially before that (by the doctor doing one of my children's assessment)

Well this thread is illuminating.

I was with someone for 14 years who is now going through the diagnosis process. I'm pretty sure it's a foregone conclusion. Lots and lots of what is written above rings true for me and for him. But he was also very unkind and controlling, and I don't think unkindness is much to do with ASD and is more just his personality.

I left and life is better, contrary to the linked article

@MoscowDragon8 we are all part nurture part nature. I think those who get to their 40s or 50s or even later before any kind of ND or MH diagnosis will have learned so many bad habits as coping strategies or masking that it's very difficult to reverse out of as we get older.

My DS is much more aware of himself and others compared to DW.

He would do anything for his special fucking interests.

He tested positive for covid on Friday. Me qnd the children are negative at the moment. I've taken care of the children solely all weekend up to this point so he can rest. Although I did ask him to vacuum the house and wash some clothes this morning as he seemed a bit better. I had to take both children to a family event this morning with my non-diagnosed autistic father and toxic brother. I am drained.

Just come home and he's announced that he's off to play golf- with covid!!

Leaving me to do the children's dinner, homework, baths and bedtimes alone after an already gruelling weekend of this horrible family commitment today and a day full of dance classes and horseriding lessons yesterday. I have a horrible headache and I'm done.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to contribute to family life this afternoon rather than go and play golf? Also although there is no rule or law in the UK preventing him from going to play golf with covid (he has symptoms), the government website advises him against it. He's now in a full on sulk with me after I told him he can't go and that I'm going upstairs for a lie down instead.

How can he have it both ways? Too poorly to contribute towards family life but not too poorly to play golf with friends (who apparently don't mind catching covid).

Am I being unreasonable here? I was going to post in AIBU but realise that everyone would just say yes! 🙈

It's been a funny old weekend.

DW has her DM and GF (gentleman friend - I'm going to claim a new MN acronym) staying for a few day's. DW has been utterly charming, prepared and cooked meals, kept the house clean, no piles of pots and pans, lots of conversation. Fussed over DMIL and GF etc etc. It's mad because I completely see the person I fell in love with and married, it's mad because it's one massive mask and I know I'm going to spend the next week paying for it in meltdowns and shutdowns.

Over the years I've spent so much time thinking I must be going insane and how could I have got drawn in but this weekend probably more than any other has a shed so much light on that.

And before I get jumped on, DW is demand avoidant so I normally do 80% of the cooking, shopping, meal planning, cleaning etc. The dishwasher died a few months back and DW insists she does the washing up, except she'll do it when she at a specific time of day rather than when it needs doing. Which mean we live with piles of pots and pans waiting to be washed.

Also I took DS2 to a Uni open day yesterday, 4 a.m. start got back around 8 p.m. It's quite a big deal for him (and me - it was great) DW asked if we could tell her about it another time as she was busy with (could only cope with) DMIL and GF

Sheesh, just realised GF could be girl friend.

YANBU - you have had to take on the majority of stuff because he's been ill and you're exhausted so he needs to now pick up the baton

Thank you for this thread
i am in the process of separating from my DH who shows many traits associated with ASD. Our eldest Dc (14) has a diagnosis and our youngest is on the waiting list for assessment.

that article linked to above was startling in how relatable it was for me.
only I hope that I won’t experience the same with my girls as they do seem to see things for how they are re. Dh and how things are not right, but we will see. I have also I think survived this long by having outside interests, friendships and career which has helped and helped me feel like a worthwhile person even though he has always been so dismissive of me.

its very very hard and he is a long way from coming to terms with what is happening but I have hope for the future and I know it’s what needed to happen

@User0610134057 have hope, lots of it. I think you will be much happier and I think the take in that article is probably too negative, when it comes to kids.

Neither of mine blame me or devalue me. It's not a foregone conclusion particularly if you are strong and model composure and self-confidence yourself. Not always easy but if you have left a relationship like this, there is a steely core in there I'm sure ;)

Plus you clearly have a life, a nice full one, which will help

Thank you @Goawayangryman i really appreciate it

if anyone knows of any resources/articles/blogs/books about the process of separation and divorce in a neurodiverse relationship I’d be really interested

I'd be interested to read articles like that as well actually.

In my experience and that of another friend who left a person with Asperger's, there was a lot of focus and argument over details and pinning down the exact nature and pattern of contact. Also, after a few months each of living away from ASD for the first time in years... We both experienced a tidal wave of how much it had affected us and how much we'd normalised life lived according to ASC terms. Even though we both knew it, it was strangely alarming to be on the other side.

It was also bloody great. The decompression was immense. I had such fun and made some of my very best friends during that period.

....how much we'd normalised life lived according to ASC terms.

What sort of things if you don't mind me asking?

I hope this is ok to ask here, I am fairly new to MN, have read a few things but not posted here. This thread caught my eye as my partner has many strange (to me) traits and I’m sure he is undiagnosed with something but I’m not sure what? This really isn’t meant to cause any offence or be a witch hunt in any way so please excuse if I get any terminology or anything wrong, I really don’t mean to!
Im really struggling with my partner, we’re both mid 50’s and have been together since just before the lockdown, he ended up moving in with me about a year ago as he fell out with his friend who he was lodging with at the time. A lot of his behaviours really annoy me, he’s a workaholic, terrible time keeper, overpromises to people all the time, says he’ll phone/ text but always forgets, plans things (for weekends etc) but then always changes his mind and doesn’t tell me, leaves his stuff all over the house (this is a biggy with me as I wfh and need the house to be suitable for clients during working hours), he has several interests which I feel he gets obsessed with to the point where I will hardly see him all week/ weekend, will spend hours helping some one else out but doesn’t do a stroke of housework, if I want anything done it’s never within a reasonable time and I end up waiting weeks/months for him to spare a couple of hours only for him to try and rush through it. In most ways he is a very kind man but also very opinionated, outspoken and can be down right offensive, especially if ‘playing to a crowd’. He forgets a lot of what I ask/tell him, has to be nagged and nagged to do something important yet will prioritise silly little things that could easily wait . He seems to have limitless energy and passion for work/ projects but then no time for me, I realise that probably sounds petty and selfish but I feel like all I am to him is somewhere convenient to stay. Before he moved in we had very good times ( lockdown rules permitting!) and he proposed a few weeks later (I’ve known him and his family as friends a long time btw but not really seen him around for a long time until we met up again through a mutual friend) but now I’m seeing a lot of things about him that I’m not sure I can cope with. Before I think about ending the relationship I think it’s only fair to try and find out if it’s just his personality or if there are any strategies that could help? A couple of my friends who have met him are convinced he has asbergers, I’ve tried to research some traits and symptoms and am aware it can be different for each individual but nothing seems obvious apart from some glaring avoidance issues.
So sorry to waffle on, thanks for you patience.

Also his now adult son showed autistic traits as a child but was undiagnosed and his daughters child is being diagnose and attends a SEND school if that has any bearing.

He may well have some sort of neurodivergence. But he’s 100% an arsehole! Bin him. Cocklodger if ever there was! And that has NOTHING to do with ASD!

@Notahappychick this sounds very much like combined ADHD inattentive and hyperactive

Yeah. I think it’s important to separate out what may be neurodivergence from the bits that are being a shit partner.

It’s easy to hope you’ll find an explanation in neurodivergence (or similar). But you might find out a little bit about why someone finds things hard or needs to approach things differently. What you won’t find is a reason why they treat you poorly and and don’t care about it.

I’ve got ADHD. It’s an explanation and a reason to find ways of doing things differently. It’s not an excuse for not caring about the people around me.

@AnightwiththeTiger prob shouldn’t but your reply did make me laugh…cockwomble!! 😂
@SudocremOnEverything that’s exactly the issue, does he have a reason or is he just being a knob??? Bit of both I suspect 🤔
@Gioia1 I think you’ve just hit the nail on the head, I googled a list of symptoms in adults and he has an obvious 10/12 so thanks for pointing that one out. Now I’ve read that it’s so obvious but couldn’t put my finger on it before. Explains so much, why he was ‘naughty’ at school ( special needs diagnoses weren’t really a thing back in our day) but he’s very much not stupid, has had his own business etc and been very successful in his trade but can’t seem to stick to one thing, extreme sports, totally focussed on his own agenda but more often than not oblivious/ scathing of others needs.
Now I don’t want to make him out a monster as he’s actually a really nice guy in a lot of ways, just does my head in with his apparent lack of responsibility/ empathy/ understanding of others needs. But now I think I have something to go on so hopefully we can work on a few things at least.
Thanks so much for the help everyone, I hope you all find strength to deal with your own situations.

@SudocremOnEverything I don’t know how to quote your answer but thanks for your reply, it has really helped me. The way he treats me sometimes really makes me so angry as I feel he doesn’t give a shit but having said that I don’t want to just bin him off if we can find ways for him to recognise and work around it. What you said has made perfect sense, thank you.