Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

I'm autistic and I wish I'd had access to a resource like these threads at a younger age. They help me so much now in my thirties, but my earlier relationships could have been so much healthier with the perspectives I've learnt from these threads - things that now seem totally obvious, but that don't occur naturally to me at all.

These threads don’t exist to educate ND children. They’re support threads for people whose partners have an ASC and who may be struggling with aspects of it. being able to talk through some of the issues they have with people in similar situations is important. And, actually, can be extremely positive for the autistic people in their lives too. it doesn’t help anyone to wade into support threads and get offended like this. It isn’t fair to do so.

If you don’t like it, don’t read the threads.

You asked about over 16s. Mine are younger so I didn't answer.

However we openly explain our differences to them in a non-judgemental, matter of fact way.

DH also points out when he thinks everyday life is skewed towards neurotypical people. They're both well aware of the challenges.

Mine are younger too but I have a lot of chats with the eldest about being a good friend/partner, which I would anyway if he was NT or female because I think it’s such an important thing in life.

He has little interest in other people at the moment though so it will be interesting to see if that changes as he gets older.

Every so often an autistic person will come onto these threads and seize on one or two phrases and take them out of the wider context of the post, of recent posts, and the thread in general. Equally I’m often struck by the way DW will take a phrase or comment and twist it into something different to suite whatever the agenda of the day is.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople When you posted a complaint regarding “life defined by ASC terms” (ie not specific to her own partner). It set me thinking because at no stage had I ever got that impression from any of the posts on this thread. I’ve Ctrl+F “defined” the whole thread and it only appears in your post!

The phrase I think you're referring to was:

....how much we'd normalised life lived according to ASC terms

You’ll notice the phrase refers to “we” this comment actually referred to the poster and her relationship with her partner and the way that ASC impacts them both as individuals and as a couple. That is the exact opposite of your accusation.

It’s also tragic and intensely frustrating that I have to Ctrl+F almost every conversation with DW, who when challenged will invariably reply with “I know that’s what you said but it’s not what you meant”. After close to 25 years together I’ve learnt to be really very clear just to avoid falling into this trap but it rarely works.

It’s also tragic and intensely frustrating that I have to Ctrl+F almost every conversation with DW, who when challenged will invariably reply with “I know that’s what you said but it’s not what you meant”. After close to 25 years together I’ve learnt to be really very clear just to avoid falling into this trap but it rarely works.

How ironic given this is most autistic people's experience of daily life: they say what they actually mean, using the words with those defined meanings per the dictionary. Then get accused of meaning something entirely different because other people "read between the lines" when there is nothing to "read" into it as they said exactly what they meant, no more or less.

I read these threads with bafflement. I know many autistic people and many non-autistic people. All get along just fine.

Much of what I read here clearly has very little to do with autism, and just people having crap partners who don't respect them.

If your relationship makes you miserable then leave. Don't blame it on disabilities that do not account for their bad behaviour, or yours.

Have most people said their partners are ‘crap’?

If it wasn’t accepted that autism can contribute to relationship difficulties why are articles like this written.
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

@RainingRubies these threads might ‘baffle’ you, but for me (someone who clearly the thread was aimed at) it is incredibly helpful to know that other people have the same experiences.

There’s nothing wrong with respectfully expressing our thoughts. Neurotypical people have a right to be heard. People talk about ablest attitudes. Disablest prejudice also exists.

Can you tell me more about reducing the epigenetic impact of inherited genes for ND? Are there any comprehensive sources I can read so I don't miss anything. I've got ADHD and still considering whether or not to try for kids.

And I'm so sorry for all your losses. I didn't mean to sound so insensitive with my question but found the last part of your post with Ctrl F and used the quote before reading the rest of it. I'm also struggling with the possibility of being childless even though I've never yet tried to conceive. It's very painful and you have all my sympathy. But there is still some hope by the sounds of things x

I started writing a blog about my own experiences and challenges of living with an ASD partner a few weeks ago. I wanted to reach out to other women experiencing what we are and to show the truth of how it affects us.

I think we've been beaten into silence by society who label us "ableist" for voicing our struggles. I will continue using my voice and my writing to shed some light on what life is like for us. We have needs to and deserve to have them met. So here is my blog, I really hope it helps:
pushing-boulders.blogspot.com/?m=1

As I said above (but tend to be ignored by the autistic people who come into these threads to argue against their existence), I'm autistic and find these threads really useful. There are definitely specific ways in which I cause difficulties in relationships and hurt to people because of my autism, and learning why and how it feels from their perspective has helped me so much. I can articulate my needs better to them, understand and apologise when I have hurt them, and just generally be a more present partner. I wish people would stop trying to get them removed. It is disingenuous to act like a condition which causes communication issues won't impact relationships.

Thank you for your post @RelationshipOrNot

I would judge that most of us who post on this thread have very longstanding relationships with our partners, 20 years+ in many cases. It also seems to be fairly common that our partners were diagnosed much later in life, or not at all, but it is clear that with multiple diagnosed children they have an ASC.

I don't know how old you are, or when you were diagnosed so feel free to ignore this next question/thought.

For some regular posters there is a recurring theme that our ASC partners see us as extensions of themselves. This then links in to the posts up thread re empathy and caring by @AsterixInEngland . It is absolutely right (IMO) that life partnerships are unique, and I've tried to iterate that, (badly) but do you find you have a different "thing" with your life partner?

My apologies if that is badly worded - I'm dyslexic and I think in pictures.

@7eleven

from the NAS site you linked (thank you) it states:

We want to stress that autistic people are just as capable of having loving and successful relationships as non-autistic people

I think it’s a really important statement. Given everyone is claiming here that they are not ableist, perhaps this statement could be included in the opening post of each of these threads.

and then perhaps change the title of this series of threads to “In a difficult NT/autistic relationship - support thread here”

Surely that would be far, far fairer? Those on here still get to discuss their problems, whilst anyone reading knows that these issues do not apply to every relationship?

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople this thread is not actually about you and your children. I get that it's difficult to read - I've found some ADHD as partners threads a difficult read. But discussion is good. Many of us on these threads are pretty clear with posters that what they're describing is shitty behaviour not autism!

There are common themes that seem to emerge and they're interesting and help people feel less alone. Neurodiverse partners can be rich and rewarding. They can also bring specific issues to the table. I know I bring chaotic clutter to every environment for example. I'm working hard at it but some partners simply couldn't handle it. My husband ironically can.

I'm the same I find these threads interesting not offensive. Im also autistic. But also a lot of autistic people take things very personally and are so honest so have to say how they feel, hence posting on this thread not being happy. X

@SquirrelSoShiny

this thread is not actually about you and your children

if that is the message you have inferred from my posts then perhaps it is indicative of autistic/NT communication difficulties on both sides. My message is quite the opposite

I specifically don’t want this thread to be about me or my children. I don’t want it to be about all autistic people. But the title coupled with the general tone suggest that this is a common problem in ALL such relationships.

I think this is unfair. Very unfair. But I do think that all posters here should be able to discuss their relationship issues. That is important

As I said, I really cannot tell you how much I don’t want this thread about me. But for as long as relationship issues are discussed in terms that suggest all autistic people are a problem, I feel I have no choice to point this out.

surely we can work together constructively and get the thread and title to a place which is fair in all? Surely that benefits all - it’s win-win.

Well said Daftasabroom.

There we see the typical black and white thinking that I deal with every day with DH.

”I think this way therefore I must be right and you’re all wrong”.

Its exhausting to have to deal with it in every day life. Now I’m policed on this thread by yet more black and white thinking.

You are not helping@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople

The amount of therapy I’ve had to have to stay in this relationship you just wouldn’t believe.

I’ve changed to accommodate DH and I’ve sacrificed so much of myself. It’s so insulting to be told that I’m still “wrong”. That this thread is “wrong”.

if you only knew @StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople if you only knew how I’ve tried.

ASD is a communication disorder. Yes I know you don’t see yourself as being disordered but it’s hard hard work learning to be insignificant and endlessly criticised by your loved one. I have had other relationships with NTs and it’s not like this.

Stop pretending there’s nothing “wrong”, that NTs don’t suffer in ND relationships. If that were the case there wouldn’t be five full threads on the matter.

ive given up my career to support my kids. That’s the amount of support they’ve needed to help them cope with life, oh but that’s right, there’s nothing “wrong”, and I should have been able to just throw them to the wolves (if I followed your thinking that ASD doesn’t cause communication problems). Stop trying to shut this down.

ASD causes difficulties in the real world and just because you’d like to pretend it doesn’t, it does.

Im a witness to it now for 2 decades.

The amount of therapy I’ve had to have to stay in this relationship you just wouldn’t believe.

Changeover22 Most of my therapy sessions are taken up by relationship issues with DH who I believe has many ASC traits. I also have a dc who is awaiting an assessment for possible ASC. If you are able to, please share the essence of what you have learnt from undergoing therapy.

Butterie
I have started reading your blog, thank you for sharing. I find it comforting. I feel relieved to have found this thread.

@Villagediary The biggest thing I had to learn was to value myself through my own eyes. This may sound odd as surely this is something I already knew and had?

However I found DH's lack of interest in me made my self-esteem wilt. He slowly over a few years withdrew further and further. The first six months were amazing. He was the man I fell in love with. However as time passed I can see now he returned to life he'd always know which was to spend most of his time behind a screen, starting at figures. Work was his hobby and his hobby was work.

It meant that the man I fell in love with slowly drifted away in with it, my self-esteem.

I have to go now. I'll finish this later.

Whilst I take the point about the thread title, I’ve just read a statistic that approximately 80% of marriages where one partner is autistic ends in divorce.

it’s gaslighting to assert autism doesn’t contribute heavily to relationship difficulties.

@mumsnet what do you think? Is this thread acceptable and within your terms and conditions?

I don’t think sweeping generalisations are being made, nor disrespectful comments, yet were being told by a couple of posters that we’re wrong. For me, knowing others feel the same is amazing. I don’t want to be in this thread if I’m constantly being accused of ableism etc. Do you feel able to make a pronouncement one way or another?