Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 6

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong).

You know what I’m very likely to go and buy a beautiful notebook and sparkly lens too!
Id say that’s a significant step in the right direction 😉😉

I hope you are feeling a bit calmer and in control of the next steps.

Thanks - I was thinking of Julian as I wrote it :-)

I thought I was OK but I just parked my car in a random street because I don't want to go home. So I'm just sitting here because I can't quite face walking into the house. And honestly? I don't even know why.

So I'm just going to sit here for a while.

You've been told that what you want doesn't matter, and you want to leave.

'Home' is not a welcoming safe place. It's really not surprising you don't want to go home.

You -will- be alright, sweetie.

God that marriage you describe sounds like something on the moon. Because there is care and support but every other bit is missing and I am longing for those missing bits so much it hurts.

I've asked him so many times to do marriage counselling and I honestly don't know if it's even worth it at this stage. Why am I still fighting to save it when I'm literally sitting in a dark car in the cold because I don't want to go home?

My own home doesn't feel like home anymore. My husband does not feel like home.

@SquirrelSoShiny <gently> you've lost yourself at the moment.

Be gentle with yourself. But you know that when someone says to you "what you want doesn't matter" in the context of struggling for years, the marriage is dead.

Every time someone says something kind to me I burst into tears now.

I've actually become that crazy woman sitting in the car crying because someone was nice to me.

And now I'm laugh crying because how did I end up as this person?And how do I go home and pretend everything is normal instead of just impulse blurting out we're done? DC will freak out if I'm not OK. DH would be devastated because it would be such a shock because he literally has no idea who I am or what I think and feel.

It takes two to want a marriage to work.

Fwiw there are people on this thread who have successful NT / ND marriages - with work on both sides - and I know one. But both sides have to listen to each other and try to take each other into consideration. NT/ND or NT/NT or ND/ND.

When that isn't there - when the other side isn't interested in listening to you - then the marriage cannot work. Not a true marriage. It isn't even companionship.

I've actually become that crazy woman sitting in the car crying because someone was nice to me.

When I made the decision I sat in the car in the middle of nowhere and cried at full volume. First time since my mum died when I was 11. You're not a crazy woman, you're a woman who is at the end of her tether.

Give yourself this time, when you are calm go home and make those plans.

DH would be devastated because it would be such a shock because he literally has no idea who I am or what I think and feel.

You know - you're very used to considering his feelings. But the best advice I can offer now is - detach.

Detach, detach, detach.

Establish the pattern of thought that his feelings and emotions are HIS responsibility, and yours are yours. It's ok to detach. Right now, it's very healthy.

it'll be a work in progress for a while, but when someone says "what you want doesn't matter" (in the context of years of struggle) ... You aren't ever going to win, because actually you can't control him or his thought processes or behaviour. Only your own.

What @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar said.

You’ve spent years taking him into account and fading into the background.
Now the time is for you to look after your needs and wants - because very clearly he won’t.
Regardless of who he is or his struggles, he is a fully functioning adult who is responsible for his own emotions. If he is devastated, well he is. i
Its up to him to handle that.

Wow - that went quick, new thread here

Hang in there @SquirrelSoShiny our thoughts are with you.

Thanks @Daftasabroom and all.

I'm calmer now. Faking it till I make it. I'll do this on my timetable and figure out the steps that need taken. One of these may involve opening the difficult conversations with or without a counsellor.

If he's too busy for those conversations - as he has been for the last four years or so 🙄 - then that's an answer, isn't it?

Squirrel, I’m so sorry you’ve heard those words today. It’s devastating. I think probably you do matter but he can’t accommodate his needs plus yours. So perhaps he’s being very very blunt which in the end may be a blessing. It frees you from trying further.

I hope you’re feeling more stable now. I think the realisation that you can’t go on, there’s a moment isn’t there, almost like a tripwire, a turning point where you realise you most likely can’t do this anymore and it’s really shocking. And suddenly it reveals a whole cascade of questions about “what if” that you may not have wanted to consider but now feel forced to.

Im sort of the same journey myself. Been coming to the conclusion for months now that DH and I cannot go on. I crave so much more and even if I’m alone which I very much expect to be for the first few years, at least I will be ME. I will not be compromised anymore by anyone. I look forwards often to that sense of peace and tranquillity. DH is a workaholic and always v snappy.

I also regularly sit in my car 😊 it feels like a safe place to be alone where I can gather my thoughts. I often can’t face going in so I just sit outside. It’s calm and peaceful. Just wanted to say I see you, I hear you, I witness all the difficulties that have brought you to this place. You’re not going mad, you’re actually becoming saner by the minute. It feels odd because you’ve not allowed yourself to think along these lines before possibly. But as Release said up above, it’s very healthy.

big virtual hugs to us all on this thread, we may feel alone but we are not as we have this place to connect the dots and move forwards ❤️

big virtual hugs to us all on this thread, we may feel alone but we are not as we have this place to connect the dots and move forwards ❤️

Love this ☺️

Thank you. We don't have kids just a cat (he was joking about wanting half the cat).

He's definitely more chilled out now it's over. More charming like he was at the start. We'll stay friends - I've even offered him the spare room if he ever wants to visit. I keep reminiscing over good times we've had but it's been a real roller coaster of a relationship . The drama and eggshell-walking, his moods and assumptions and miscommunications. I was waking up feeling ill for a while and realised I couldn't go on like that. But if we hadn't had a visa to apply for I think we'd have bumbled on for a while yet.

So we've been living like friends for the last month or so but that's not really much different to how it was previously. Just that there's no relationship pressure now. The household income is taking a big hit with him leaving, security wise but I've paid the bills myself with only a few hundred contribution from him each month so I should hopefully be able to handle it when you take away what he'd use for energy/food consumption etc.

I also found it really hard to detach like you always read about, it was like one part of my brain was trying to detach and do my own thing while the other part was pulling the other way stubbornly going "but a relationship should be like X, this thing should be happening" so I was constantly conflicted and stressed out about things.

I never felt tempted to have an affair but I used to daydream and fantasise about other men a lot. I remember once I was on the phone to a company and the guy I spoke to was very chatty and charming and I started daydreaming about him because it had been a long time since I'd had a man speak to me like that. Showing interest etc, even though it was purely professional.

Thanks for everyone's kind thoughts, I also hope you all find peace as well. It's very hard at times and people don't understand unless they've been there.

@Grapesvine
thank you for the link, I managed to click on it before it was deleted, and read your blog. So much resonates. Thank you again.

I'm surprised/not surprised that it got deleted so quickly @Bluebellforest1 but new it would eventually. We're supposed to suffer in the dark or We're called out for being ableist and discriminative.

I also found it really hard to detach like you always read about, it was like one part of my brain was trying to detach and do my own thing while the other part was pulling the other way stubbornly going "but a relationship should be like X, this thing should be happening" so I was constantly conflicted and stressed out about things.

Oh yes @Surreality22 . I get that feeling a lot. Knowing that things will never be like I think they should on a very rational pov but still hoping and acting as if they will. My counsellor reminds me of that quite often

I felt like the two parts of my brain were pulling against each other like a game of tug o'war.

I sometimes wonder if I should get therapy even though it's over now.

I’m only on page 16 so forgive me if I have posted too soon as I will catch up.
i Have long suspected my dh has asd or adhd and a lot rings true here.
we have argued today and are at breaking point I just don’t know what to do anymore. Every time I say how I feel he says I am being over the top or taking things too far and why don’t I consider how he feels which I think I do.
He puts how he feels onto me and I have to say no that’s how you feel not me and I have to correct him when he presumed he knows what I’m thinking.
he always thinks I am criticising him and nagging.
I feel very low

welcome to new joiners, just to say this thread is nearly full, and if you scroll back on this page, @Daftasabroom has kindly put in a link to a new thread.