Much younger woman staying with us...

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I cannot believe I am typing this.

Myself, my partner and our small child are living together. I am early forties, he is early fifties.

We have a woman in her early twenties staying with us from another country. She is very good looking and is scantily dressed most of the time. This is not me being jealous, this is a factual observation. There is no way he has not noticed she is very attractive looking.

My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But... He's not George Clooney and he's old.

This is the weird thing. If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted.

But surely surely not?

Thanks for the update OP.

If you’re planning on separating what does it matter if she’s got in touch with him?

It doesn't. I'm just driving myself crazy wondering if something did go on between them. I know I'm trying to distract myself. I did say talk me out of it.

@Idontknowwhattothink is it worth just considering the relationship without adding her into the mix. If I’m your heart you feel regardless you’d like to separate - then this young woman means nothing to that decision.

have you done couples counselling - just wondering if the situation came up in that?

it does sound like she made him feel uncomfortable on the whole with how he kept moving seats etc.

good luck with it all. x

Don't let him know you've heard from her. Have a look at his phone when you get back.
Keep your cards close to your chest.

This

I didn’t see this thread first time around, but I am struggling to see why your husband is on the receiving end of your anger.

I’ve had friends with au pairs who have wandered around in shortie pjs and created discomfort - one offering back rubs to the man of the house as he ‘seemed stressed!’ - but the response is to say quite directly ‘I’m sorry, that’s not appropriate dress, can you put something on’ and ‘my husband and I are going to watch a movie now, can we have privacy for the evening’ etc. Is there a reason you didn’t speak up, individually or as a couple, to say her behaviour was inappropriate?

Meanwhile, the boss guy should be providing codes of behaviour if they are to be house guests in private homes. It’s not a laughing matter, and he should be told that the people he places need to behave like good guests and respect personal boundaries.

Why, though? To see if she sent the same message ‘hi, I’m back and would love to see you’? Same words, but then the OP goes ‘aha!!’?

Oh, OP. You are right, this woman is just a distraction to your real issues, but that is how jealousy works. It is shit.

If you want to separate, my advice (my divorce went very well) is to keep everything calm and fair. We.did 50/50 of childcare and assets. This woman plays no part in that decision.

Least said, soonest mended, honestly. We had a private judge hearing and he commended my fair approach.

Life always changes, and very recently, due to exDH's travel, i have the kids around 80% of the time.

You are about to co- parent with your ex and divide up your assets, you need a cool, rational head. This woman needs blocked and ignored. You can only control what you do. If your DH doesn't do the same ( less likely too, honestly) it does not matter. Your relationship is coming to its end, you need to focus on making its end in the best way possible.

And if she messages your husband, so what? That’s not confirmation that something has happened or will happen between them.

You’re focussing your energy on this woman when she was not the cause of your marriage breaking down. It seems like you want the “I knew it!” moment, but it doesn’t change anything on your marriage and your divorce.

I know I'm just distracting myself. We are in the throes of dispute as I want to separate immediately due to his (unrelated) inappropriate behaviour. He says I am overreacting and is refusing to cooperate or discuss how we can move forward separately. My mind keeps going back to this woman, how off something felt back then and I'm wondering has he been making a complete fool of me. My mind is racing, I hate it.

Ah ok so he's got previous. No wonder you're unable to ignore her. Sounds like he is making extra effort to remain above board here though.

How much longer is she there? Definitely refuse the extra week and even have a word about house rules with your friend if you accommodate again- it's self contained accommodation with use of the kitchen, they're not with the family all night. If that's spelled out at the start it'll be much less awkward to reiterate.

See this through, reassure yourself he is keeping his distance and then concentrate on the existing issues. Don't let it boil over in your mind. The two aren't linked.

It was last August the house guest was staying. The OP posted an update yesterday.

Argh! I usually check the full updates.

Thanks for updating all these months later. Last thing you need right now is her back in your lives

I know this thread isn't the most interesting but I really need a handhold.

I feel sad. I thought we were on the same page but then discovered ten days ago he's been exchanging flirty messages with a woman he does a hobby with who I had never heard of. I had a thread about it.

I know flirty messages are just messages but the timing for them has made it impossible for me to get past.

If things were crap we might have seen it as a wake up call.

If things were fantastic it could be not a big deal in the grander scheme of things.

But I've been trying so hard to get things on track and I thought he was too but I was wrong.

Now my mind keeps flicking back to this young woman and it's going into overdrive wondering did the unexpected attention start something? The socialising and hobbying increased after she left. I thought it was strange but if he was happy I was happy for him. Now I'm thinking maybe he crossed a line with her and that it made it easy for him to keep crossing lines.

We have been going to couple's therapy. Well I have. He's been sharing a complete fiction.

Sorry I feel tired and overwhelmed at what's ahead; the finances, custody etc. So much to agree on. He doesn't want to split (why would he when the current arrangement seems absolutely fine for him) and I know he will put up a fight.

@Idontknowwhattothink I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to read and run. Big hand hold from me. And squishy unmumsnetty hug

I feel your pain from here.

It does sound like you have made your decision. Can you have therapy on your own? Sometimes couples therapy is actually really useful for helping with the split too. Having a mediator there while you discuss things. Can you use these sessions to spell it out?

It sounds like he's in denial or being controlling but whatever he thinks it doesn't matter. He can't make you stay if you don't want to. And your last post just sounds so sad. Like you've really had enough.

You deserve more. Fuck it. You deserve so much more.

I know it's hard. But we're all here for you. Hopefully someone with a more practical head will come along with some better advice.

I just wanted to say hang in there. You've got this. Hold onto your anger. Remember you're worth more than this.

I read your thread when you first posted, I’m so sorry to read this update now.

I remember thinking how great it was that you had such perspective & your judgement was rational & your thinking clear - you saw the ridiculousness of the situation.

I’m sorry that he’s behaved in this way, if you can try to take some of the emotion out of this it might help your thinking. Write things down/ speak to people but know you are powerful & that you have the skills you need to navigate this time.

I’m sure it feels like a huge betrayal & also a set up with your stupid colleagues. But none of this is your fault or could have been anticipated.

You deserve the best outcome possible from this & we’re all rooting for you 💐

Sorry to read your update OP. My first thought was also you getting some therapy for yourself

Now I am obsessed about what happened/didn’t happen with this girl. I think I would meet up with her on my own and tell her outright how uncomfortable it had been when she stayed with you and how it felt as though there was something going on between her and your partner. You have absolutely nothing to lose now that you are separating.

@Rosietheravisher I definitely won't be doing that. Let's face it the most likely is that absolutely nothing happened, she is a natural flirt so she wouldn't think anything of it beyond enjoying the attention.

So for me to meet with her and ask her anything would be total shock for her, make me look and feel like a complete psycho.

The flirty text messages with the hobby woman are the undisputed line crossing and I've already confronted her. She was adamant that nothing physical had happened and I was controlling for being annoyed about nothing more than messages. I get the impression from some posts on the local hobby group that there is a version of events being touted and I am absolutely livid that I'm being painted as the villain.

Now I want to avoid anything that's going to cause me to feel bad about myself.

I read your hobby woman thread. I can see why you are now slightly obsessive about this woman as before you did seem unreasonable whereas now, in that context, you just want to know the full scale of everything.

But as you say, this woman was just a flirt, and she flirted with everyone. Your DH was no one special to her. Even if she does message him to meet, that doesn’t mean something has happened - she would very simply be messaging someone she was friends with last time she was here.

Exactly that @Glitteratitar I know the best thing I can do right now is breathe deep and let enough time pass to give me a clear perspective.

My mind keeps flip flopping. Our therapist isn't available till tomorrow (she's seeing us both separately) and I'm trying to keep it together till then.

Your mind must be in complete turmoil over this. How were things before you temporarily housed her , had you ever had any doubts before ?

I haven’t seen the hobby woman thread. But I’ve seen this one and the don’t tell mummy one.

for me - it would be done. There’s just too many things and I think we are getting snapshots around certain situations. I don’t mean that in a bad way to you @Idontknowwhattothink but I often see in these situations with friends that there’s lots of other bits all adding into the issues.

it’s just so tiring to have to live with all the worrying and wondering and never really believing you have the full story. Always a little more to uncover.

I’d just be a constant ball of anxiety.

massive squishes OP.

I think the flirty lodger and the flirty hobby woman are not your focus here, they're just distractions for the real issue, which is that you're telling your husband that you want to seperate immediately, and he is refusing to comply.
But it's not really the behaviour of a reasonable person is it? Be aware that he may use a period of time digging in his heels to arrange his financial affairs to his advantage, I'd do some major unearthing immediately and ensure you have as much info about your family and personal finances as possible, to give your solicitor. Forget the women, they're not your issue now, they're welcome to him. I'd pursue individual counselling and if he's spinning nonsense in the couples sessions, stop them. Prioritise yourself.