Much younger woman staying with us...

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I cannot believe I am typing this.

Myself, my partner and our small child are living together. I am early forties, he is early fifties.

We have a woman in her early twenties staying with us from another country. She is very good looking and is scantily dressed most of the time. This is not me being jealous, this is a factual observation. There is no way he has not noticed she is very attractive looking.

My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But... He's not George Clooney and he's old.

This is the weird thing. If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted.

But surely surely not?

@Hadtocomment your post looked familiar, almost like I'd read it before and yes basically i did, when you previously posted in the thread.

I got your point then. You don't think she's done anything / much wrong.

Well, guess what? I never said she did. I asked for opinions. And they were very divided with most people starting that I am a naive fool. I responded I'm really not sure.

So if you missed that the multiple times I said it - I'm really not sure.

Based on that I have continued to be friendly, helpful, supportive and make her feel at home.

I didn't mention anything else about her as it wasn't relevant to the thread. The question posed was "she is behaving like someone with a crush but could it be possible?"

As for penalising her - I'm honouring the original arrangement. I refused an extension and made up a white lie to her and her employer that family members were coming to stay.

In fact, I'm sick of hosting and everything that involves. Plus my DH and I have agreed to make more time for each other.

You're so keen for me to be supportive. I am prioritising on my home and family. I think that's reasonable.

@Festoonlights I appreciated you sharing your insights as I stated then. Thank you. However your interpretation of what amounted to a married man cheating with a teenager was different to how I would see it.

You talked about him being infatuated with you and how your beauty and determination lured him.

I see a terrified man running from his adult responsibilities. Nothing to do with being torn between two women; you were a teenager, it's wrong on every level and he took advantage of you not the other way around.

It's clear you felt you and the wife were in competition as you then referred to me being no match for this young person's potential determination. His wife wasn't losing to you. His wife had made a bad choice with her husband.

I'm not competing with this young woman. If she did lure him away (and the more I think about it the more preposterous the whole thing seems) he would not be the man I thought he was or would want. Plus she's not a teenager.

A few posts later you said some vitriolic comments about women ageing which @wellhelloitsme called you out on quite succintly.

Again, I appreciate you sharing your insights but I wholly disagree with your viewpoint and your attitude to women . As I said at the time, I don't think the wife could have done anything about what happened between you and him. (As an aside I hope she is living a very happy life far away from him now.)

Totally agree

Good on you OP!
I can’t get over the 1950s attitudes on here…

The point of my post wasn’t really to bore you with my life, but to simply point out that the half dressed young woman sitting next to your dh may be damaged, hurt, feel unsafe etc not in your house but in life and your sturdy, secure rock solid life might be all she craves. Ot she could just be playing with your dh for entertainment ( I know! What kind of person does that. My teen dds friends would shock anyone) Your lovely life and self esteem protects you from the more savage side of life.

Of course your dh would be utterly bonkers to even.consider it - and you are right if he were to choose any other action then he really isn’t the person you thought he was: However we are all human and we fail sometimes. The crescendo of voices on here is not to make you feel insecure, but to stop your sense of security turning into complacency - she has NO right to be in your home disrespecting you AND your husband. You should never feel so uncomfortable in your own home, and if I could throw her out myself I would. I fear she will contaminate your life - intentionally/unintentionally.

Its not okay - cool kids on here say how 1940s until they are on the receiving end of their shared wisdom.

Take good care of your life, home and energy.

By the way my gardener does the same to me. I chuckle at his efforts of topless tanned seduction abs forlorn looks , I hope your dh feels the same

And

Agree but then the same would apply to 'mother issues' with men.

Hi OP. Well you never responded to my original post and there has been post after post since going on about how this woman needs to be thrown out etc etc so I felt it was important to put up a counter voice to some of the tone of what has gone on on this thread which all seems to be jumping to quite wild conclusions and seem incredibly one-sided. This is not just a private thread of private advice to you - it is a public thread on a public forum read by lots of the general public. So I think it's important to counter some of the attitudes i'm reading on here.

To your credit I think some of your later posts have been a lot nicer than some of the other ones you posted earlier. I started to get the impression the thread itself had started to push you into thoughts that might have little to do with reality. You seem to be pushing back against that more now.

My main issue is not - "You're so keen for me to be supportive." No - my issue is the way you talk about a young woman in very one-dimensional and objectifying terms on a public forum. I think we need to change the way women talk about other women. I just don't think it's on - based on nothing - to describe someone in these incredibly objectifying terms and then allow them to be slagged off by a bunch of strangers on the internet. I feel it's a bit off. If you had a daughter that age, would you see it the same way? What I really found hard to read was the way you are describing a young woman JUST in terms of her age and appearance and in terms of whether or not she is keen on your DH and whether he'd have noticed her appearance. I haven't really gathered what it is she's supposed to have actually done, apart from being around and sitting down next to your DH when there is nowhere else to sit. You said yourself you weren't really sure there was anything in it. I feel it 's important to back you in considering there may well not be anything in it. And even if there were - she's not necessarily any kind of "threat". This thread is encouraging you (and through its public nature, other people too) to be very paranoid and err on the side of seeing her as threatening or to be pushed out or whatever it is. I dislike this way of talking about young women. I don't think middle-aged women or older women should do it, myself, and felt i should point that out.

Good luck to you OP and I hope things get better for you. I just think it's worth bearing in mind that there might not be anything happening here at all and this young woman should not really be characterised solely in this one-dimensional way. It seems quite sexist to me. It's quite objectifying in a way that if a bloke was doing it everyone would (rightly) object. I agree with a lot of what you say on other parts of this thread.

@Hadtocomment you haven't answered my question - how am I penalising her? You've said again I'm pushing her out. I've been a gracious host for the entire arrangement. It's my house. What is the support you're referring to? I can't decide who should be in my house and for how long?

So again; how am I penalising 'her'?

As an aside, I never queried whether he noticed her. I said she is attractive looking, has a fabulous figure and of course he's noticed.

I also never said she did anything. I said she seems to have a crush and queried did other people think it was possible.

Today is her last day and I'm delighted. After some changes at work I took the day off and we went out as a family as our visitor was invited out by her boss.

She returned in the evening but we didn't see a lot of her. DH went to bed earlier than me which was unusual.

I came up the stairs and was doing a couple of things on the landing (making noise) when our visitor appeared in a flimsy and completely transparent negligee. I could see bloody everything.

She had her toothbrush in her hand presumably on the way to her bathroom which is on our floor.

Yes I know it sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous but that is what happened. She will be gone in an hour and I can't wait.

Do let the door hit her arse on the way out.

Clearly her last ditch effort, I am embarrassed for her.

Well, there’s confirmation if you needed it that your instincts were correct.

Was she definitely on her way to the bathroom OP?

Yes, she had her toothbrush in her hand.

Anyway she is gone and i have mixed feelings about the whole thing. She was crying saying goodbye to both of us and had a present for our child. Quite a confusing experience, she hasn't been with us very long. It felt more like a response I'd expect (and share) if our teenage babysitter moved away after years of working with us.

My overriding feeling is that she reads situations wrong and beyond that i don't know what was going on in her head. I won't be having her back and wouldn't be in a rush to repeat the experience.

is there anything you have taken away from the experience?

It always makes me feel better if I feel I have gained insight/ learnt something from a negative experience

Updating here after a year.

I am in touch with this lady's boss fairly frequently. One day I broached the subject with him and said "I don't know if I was way off in my thinking here but... " He immediately burst out laughing and said I definitely wasn't off, she is 'a massive flirt' and he couldn't have had her in his house as his wife would have divorced him.

I was furious. I thought the hell with you and told him I didn't find it funny. He shrugged.

He was in my business with his wife last week and she came up. She's back for another contract. He said "I placed her with a single mum based on your feedback", I looked at his wife and she laughed. I really felt upset with the pair of them. This is my home they're laughing about.

I'm away with my child and DH at home. Earlier this evening I got a message from this lady saying "hello, guess what I'm back and I'd love to see you"

Things are bad between my husband and hence why I'm away without him to get some space. I am trying to get my thoughts straight to figure out how is best to separate.

I know I shouldn't go down the rabbit hole but I really want to sneak a look at his phone, see if she messaged him too and if he fails to mention it to me.

I know it's pointless and just a distraction from our real problems. Talk me out of it.

Op, I just got a notification for this thread.

The pair of them (boss and wife) are awful- agreed.

However, I see the majority of the posters were correct to say that it was really the state of your marriage which had you on the edge and not necessarily the girl.

Sorry, can't advise about how best to separate. Look after yourself.

Q: you say you are away without your DH, how can you have a sneaky look at his phone from where you are?!

I will be back tomorrow.

oh, I see. thank you for answering. thought to ask it only so that the next person who can give you good advice will have full facts. good luck.