Much younger woman staying with us...

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I cannot believe I am typing this.

Myself, my partner and our small child are living together. I am early forties, he is early fifties.

We have a woman in her early twenties staying with us from another country. She is very good looking and is scantily dressed most of the time. This is not me being jealous, this is a factual observation. There is no way he has not noticed she is very attractive looking.

My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But... He's not George Clooney and he's old.

This is the weird thing. If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted.

But surely surely not?

@Amantha00

Why on earth would you blame the man who cheated more than the woman in your own home coming onto him?

😂

Get a grip.

Here’s the reality - men like to feel wanted and needed and cared for

So do women. They like men to make them feel wanted and cared for. Hence why a man entertaining a woman shamelessly flirting with him would be a shit husband.

You don't like women.

It's painfully clear.

If your partner likes women with internalised misogyny and you like blaming women for men's behaviour then you're a good match.

Enjoy!

If your husband really wants to go off with her he can find a way outside of the house I’m sure - but there’s no reason for you to tolerate her disrespectful beahviour in your own home.
And doing so shows imo that you don’t really respect the relationship and don’t emotionally react to disrespect of it in a way which a woman who really cared would. And your husband may have noticed this.

Things have taken a turn for the full on crazy here.

Yes actually @Amantha00 I would hold the man who committed to me responsible if he got it on with another woman. And yes it would change my view of him. And yes it would make it easier to say goodbye to him.

IF there were no relationship problems he MIGHT shut it down? Honey, you have very very low standards.

As posters seem to have lost sight of the situation

1. It is not clear she is shamelessly flirting with him.

2. I have refused her extension and she's leaving on Sunday.

3. DH and I are getting on well and talking through the issues we previously had.

No. I'm not actually and now they definitely aren't. I will be glad when this comes to an end.

Well said OP and glad to hear that.

I forget sometimes what a silly idea it is to argue with misogynists. I'll ignore the one I've been engaging with now. Pointless!

Where is Little Miss Flirty Pants (I jest!) off to when she leaves yours? Is she living with another host within travelling distance of your place?! Or heading to her home country early? Hmmmm.....

It's all very well waiting to see if your DH is determined to avoid her on Saturday but I'd have a few plans in place, just in case.

I mean, I still disagree with your point (1) but it makes a great to change to read posts by a woman who knows her self worth and expects respect.

What's my point (1)?

Oh do you mean if it's not clear if she's shamelessly flirting with him?

Well I haven't had anyone else observe it. It seems so so bizarre. She's so young.

Anyway she's off! And he's not going to be spending anytime with her in the meantime. And we're talking and laughing and starting to feel close again. So that's a win.

Not nice to read some of the comments here, but thank you OP for updating us and that the young woman concerned will not be with you next week.

Sounds like some positives have come out of the situation. Good on you OP.

Ah thank you.

I know a lot of people disagreed with me or my reaction but here's the thing - the replies were all divided so there wasn't a clear explanation.

They varied from "you're insecure and imagining things" to "you're letting him steal him right under your nose" to "you brought this all on yourself, you're so vain and nasty" to "wow, great piece of fiction, why are people falling for this?"

Unfortunately it's not fiction and the situation is not black and white. (It's also not a massive deal in the grander scheme IMO.)

However it is coming to an end and has shown me that myself and DH have to move on from where we are one way or another.

For the last six weeks or so I've thrown myself into work but it's probably time to get some stuff out in the open now that enough time has passed. Our problems have nothing to do with this woman or me being cold and distant. Me feeling distant is a symptom of our problems. At least now we are talking.

Oh yes, back away from that one. A nasty toxic rabbit hole awaits you with her. I am thankful I would be very unlikely to cross paths with anyone like her IRL.

@Idontknowwhattothink

just want to say respect and I totally share the idea of “I wouldn’t want to lose you but I’m not scared to lose you” when it comes to a man(and actually many other things in life)

A woman who would make it a condition of her happiness that her man never abandons her isn’t attractive to most men, there’s no spice left in such a relationship, no potential for hunt/chase/discovery - just sounds needy 🤔

Your guest does sound extremely strange, and I don’t think anything happened to warrant behaving in such a familiar and intrusive way - surely she wouldn’t do it in your presence if anything did happen? Also there would be no need trying to seduce him if she’s already done it?
To be honest again because men usually are inspired by the chase at least a little bit, such obvious fawning and clinging should very quickly turn from flattering to creepy and uncomfortable… I’d say it’s not a good plan at all to offer yourself in such an intrusive and clingy manner if your aim is to provoke some interest.

Also it was really funny how angry, flabbergasted or patronising some posters got because you dared quote your friends comparing you to celebrities.

I have a friend who reminds me of a blond Elizabeth Hurley and I’ve told her and if she’s quoted me on that I’d own it, but I can now see she’d ruffle some feathers if she did it because apparently mere mortals aren’t allowed to dare to suggest that they might resemble celebrity gods 😁🙄

Excellent post. You sound very sensible and have your head screwed on.

Bugger being upset over someone who'd go elsewhere, everyone deserves better than that, It's not cold, it's having self respect.

What a load of cock and bull.

If a handsome man came to stay in my home and flirted with me, I wouldn't care what my partner's reaction was. I wouldn't cheat regardless.

Why? Because I'm not jumping at any chance to cheat. I don't want to cheat, because I love my partner.

You seem to think OPs husband would jump ship at any sign of OP not 'caring'. How fickle do you think the average long term partner is? Is your relationship that fickle? If so, then I think it's YOUR relationship that's in trouble, not OPs.

Even so, I'd find my partner much more attractive for not batting an eyelid at a handsome man trying it on with me, than him getting stroppy, controlling and aggressive. It shows confidence which I find sexy.

On the contrary... Surely yes!

You seem to have the mistaken assumption that no right-minded 20yr old would find an old geezer attractive. Simple test. If she were 45 and strikingly beautiful and behaving the same way, would you still doubt her intentions?

What was your DH doing 23 years ago.... is she actually a long lost daughter...! OK, I've lost the plot here and gone off on a tangent for some crappy TV movie

@sleepyhoglet this would actually explain everything 🤣🤣

Assuming all women are the enemy and men need to be treated like nymphomaniac infants is pathetic.

There is nothing worse than a female mysogynist.

OP these words are so true. Although we've had so much of this sort of thing recently that I'm wondering if we've been targeted by some incel types pretending to be surrendered wives.

It's so far from the truth that men who leave their relationships have been neglected and uncared for. Time after time it's the women who've put their husband's needs first, who've been devoted wives, that are passed over for a younger model. And they're left with a hole in their lives that might not have been there if they'd focussed a bit more on their own needs and wants.

You're right of course, we shouldn't have to police men's behaviour. I don't need a man to tell me not to have an affair with the lodger. Why does a man need this service? Anyway, your husband seems to be dodging this woman and you sound pretty happy together. Don't let some of the weirdos on here let you doubt yourself.

I haven’t read all the replies but it sounds like it’s got pretty heated.

Just wanted to say your husband sounds lovely, he must’ve noticed and has obviously been really uncomfortable. I think my response would’ve been to practically sit upon my husband at all times to thwart her, he’d bloody love it. If there’s no space for her then she’ll have to go elsewhere!!

Sounds like a real weirdo with boundary issues, but sometimes these things can remind you that your husband is still the person you want.

Ignore the usual Mumsnet venters saying that he’s obviously slept with her, it sounds like he’s been at pains to keep his distance.

Get some champagne in for when she bloody leaves.

Op I will point out that had you read my post properly I stated my father was both abusive to me physically and emotionally and neglected all of my needs as a child, for a while as a teenager and young person I looked for love and attention from any man - such was the void. It took years of self care to fix it. I was simply pointing out not everyone has had a secure childhood and this young person may be very different from you, looking at life through a different lense and not intentionally wishing to cause problems, but nonetheless could do so anyway. I said nothing about ‘ego massaging’ and it says a great deal about you as a person to turn it around like that.

I was about to say your dh is lucky to have you, but having read your deliberate misinterpretation I am not so sure now.

"Assuming all women are the enemy and men need to be treated like nymphomaniac infants is pathetic."

Absolutely agree with this, OP. However, I've found this thread to be rather tipping into that territory itself. The way you have talked about and described this woman. Who is very young after all and not much more than a teen herself. You have described her only in terms of her attractiveness and potential as sexual rival. I find this extraordinary and a bit distasteful. You have showed no interest in getting to know her as a person. I find this thread just solidifies sexist assumptions and ideas and I actually find it quite offensive to younger women to describe them in this way. Woman shouldn't be describing other woman just in these objectifying terms. It's just wrong and tasteless. I still can't see what she's done wrong either. And she's now been penalised for whatever is in your head which appears to be based on little except your consciousness of her appearance. Which I also find quite unfair to her. I do think you sound a bit mixed up - strong woman one minute and seeing a younger woman who you could be far more supportive of merely in terms of her looks and as a sexual rival the next. She doesn't sound like she is being not nice to you. She doesn't sound like she is doing anything major. But she is a non-person on this thread and I find that very disturbing. Woman should try not to do that to each other.