Much younger woman staying with us...

[Idontknowwhattothink]

I cannot believe I am typing this.

Myself, my partner and our small child are living together. I am early forties, he is early fifties.

We have a woman in her early twenties staying with us from another country. She is very good looking and is scantily dressed most of the time. This is not me being jealous, this is a factual observation. There is no way he has not noticed she is very attractive looking.

My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging. But... He's not George Clooney and he's old.

This is the weird thing. If it wasn't so ridiculous I would be sure she had a giant crush on him. She really seems to always want to spend time alone with him, gazes at him constantly and seems somewhat besotted.

But surely surely not?

@Amantha00

If your cold and indifferent to a man your married to you are certainly responsible for his behaviour in either cheating or ending the relationship.

Tell me you're a misogynist without telling me you're a misogynist...

From OP's very first post: My partner is handsome, likeable, warm, engaging.

And subsequent posts:

Calling my DH old was tongue in cheek. Sorry I did not mean to offend anyone.

DH is very attractive. Plenty of women I'm friendly with in the area make jokey remarks to me when they see him out running or playing sport.

My DH is nice yes, handsome, endearingly besotted with his child, good humoured.

Yeah she's really laid into him hasn't she 🙄

@AryaStarkWolf

I don’t know what her husband will do in this situation but I do know that I’ve seen some women who are very keen to portray this “I don’t need you because I’m so together” attitude around their partners and they have no idea how incredibly rude and uncaring they come off - and frankly have no idea about keeping men happy in general. They think it’s showing something good to make their husbands aware of this as it makes them more of a modern successful woman - but the reality is everyone wants to feel needed and cared for. That’s why you hear successful businessmen credit wives as being responsible for their sucess etc - to make them feel needed. They don’t come out and say “I don’t need my wife at all as I’m so independent I could easily get another woman and be just fine” even if it’s true, because they’re wiser than that and know its unnecessary and would needlessly upset their wives.

But for some reason some women feel the need to act that way all the time and get quite insulted when told it’s not a good idea as though your telling them not to be successful even though really your just saying to be humble and show your partner affection and make them feel like they matter to you - as everyone should.

OP does not come off like someone who makes her husband feels like he matters to her. Instead she comes off as someone keen to show how fine she’d be without him.

That is the exact kind of attitude that leads to men (or women) feeling uncared for and deciding they would be fine without their partner too.

@AryaStarkWolf

If it were me I’d have been up in this bitches shit long before now and neither she nor my husband would doubt how I felt.
No man or woman should let another come sniffing round their partner in their own home - why tolerate the disrespect to yourself and your relationship?
and it also shows your own lack of respect for your relationship that you let it happen.

"Up in this bitch's shit"

Gosh you really do hate women, don't you?

@Amantha00

He can credit his success to me? How about we both credit our success to ourselves and each other?

How about we are together because we want to be not because we need to be?

You'd attack some woman you've welcomed in as a guest because you suspect she might fancy your husband?

Your relationship (I assume you're in one) sounds codependent and joyless.

Gosh, what a weird attitude from a lot of posters!

For what it's worth, OP, you sound like a very grounded woman who's experienced most of what life can throw at you and has sorted her priorities out. There's no point clinging on to a bloke that strays, why would you want him?
If he's a decent man, and he sounds like he is, then the first few days he didn't really notice. Then he started to feel uncomfortable, watched to see if he's imagining it, then starts avoid8ng her and seeking you out.

All seems perfectly reasonable, and she isn't your problem as she's leaving soon.

Don't feel obliged to set traps for him, because of this thread.

@wellhelloitsme

You have a strange attitude if making sure not to be offensive to a woman inappropriately flirting with your husband in your own home is top of your priority list in this situation.

@Amantha00 you are the one with the strange attitude if you think making men happy in general should be my priority.

You seem very strange.

@Idontknowwhattothink

I didn’t say I would attack her lol - I said if I saw her shamelessly flirting with my husband I’d make it clear it wasn’t on - first with inference that couldn’t be mistaken - then directly. Then I’d tell her to leave. Actually I’d tell her to leave right off. Why wouldn’t you?

Frankly you sound defensive and this isn’t the first time you’ve tried to attack a poster because they’ve pointed out how cold and uncaring your coming off about your husband in general and how that vibe is creating this situation in the first place.

Look I’ve given my advice. If you don’t care about your relationship and it’s more important to get clapped on the back from serial mumsnetters for being strong and having the correct need no man empowered attitude keep up with what your doing and saying because you’ve got the right attitude for that. But if you want a successful lasting relationship and to make your man feel cared for then listen to me and don’t let a woman openly flirt in your own home with your own husband and show some passion for him by stomping on it.

More fool you for falling for it.

Didn't this already happen?

The man left his wife for a refugee?

And needs to learn the difference between your and you're. Drove me nuts reading all that.

@Amantha00 I think you're confused. I didn't say I don't need no man (I actually don't but I want this one). I said IF he is the type of guy to stray this easily THEN I would pack his bags for him. See the difference?

So Saturday they will be hanging out together.
I wouldn't be happy.

@Idontknowwhattothink
By not shutting this down your showing him how little you care about the relationship.
That coupled with your general attitude of being blasé about not needing him and packing his bags which I can’t help but think comes out irl, shows him you don’t care.

You say he wants more affection and sex and yet here you are dismissing a poster telling you you come off cold - only to agree with other posters telling you how great your attitude is. They agree with you because they’re like you and think if anyone doesnt like them irl it’s because they can’t handle such strong women etc. It’s a self damaging attitude to have in relationships because it excuses you from looking at how you affect people and always suggests fault is with the other and never yourself.

You seem to see this as some kind of test - if he’s a good enough guy for you he’ll stay kind of thing. But in being so blasé you show you don’t care and then when another woman shows she does he may very well go to her. After all why wouldn’t he since you give so few fucks and would get attention soon anyway and don’t need him?

You think you can be passive about things like this and it’s down to him - but in doing that you make yourself seem uncaring and uninvested in the relationship.

In spite of Mumsnet “wisdom” no man wants a woman who gives off that vibe when another (attractive) one is offering themselves up in a bow.

@FlippinOmicron

I think OP needs to put her foot down. Right now she seems like she doesn’t care and that coupled with the relationship problems just makes this so much more appealing to her husband.

If she shows she cares and he cheats then he’s a dog - but if she carries on being blasé as is she seems like she’s checked out of the relationship and it’s on borrowed time anyway so why wouldn’t he do something with this girl? Or some other girl in the future? I wouldn’t even blame him for cheating in this situation the more posts I read.

My priority wouldn't be the woman flirting over him or our relationship.

I just don't think a woman flirting with him would 'make him' unable to control himself because he's an adult.

Cheats cheat because they want to cheat.

Don't judge everyone else by your standards. Many of us wouldn't want to be with a man who cheated and would blame him more than the woman involved because he made an active choice to cheat.

Many of us wouldn't automatically blame ourselves or the woman involved and view the man as unable to resist someone who flirts with them🤷🏻‍♀️

@Amantha00

I didn’t say I would attack her lol - I said if I saw her shamelessly flirting with my husband I’d make it clear it wasn’t on - first with inference that couldn’t be mistaken - then directly. Then I’d tell her to leave. Actually I’d tell her to leave right off. Why wouldn’t you?

Surely it's your husband's responsibility to 'make it clear it wasn't on' if a woman was 'shamelessly flirting' with him.

Men aren't children, they're perfectly capable of controlling themselves and setting boundaries.

By not shutting this down your showing him how little you care about the relationship.

Ffs, so it's a woman's job to stop a woman flirting with her husband, rather than it being her husbands job?

And if she doesn't do so, she's showing how little she cares for him? Don't you think it's far more reasonable to say that if he doesn't shut down someone flirting with him, let alone in the home he shares with his wife, he would be showing his wife how little he cares about the relationship?

In spite of Mumsnet “wisdom” no man wants a woman who gives off that vibe when another (attractive) one is offering themselves up in a bow.

Women aren't objects.

Decent men have self control.

@Amantha00 you are the one using expressions like strong and modern woman not me.

Saying I'd be ok if my DH chose to leave me makes me a better wife, not cold. It means I'm choosing him because I want him not because I can't cope without him.

Saying I trust you but I also appreciate it would be weird, flattering and yes tempting to be propositioned by an attractive member of the opposite sex is treating our relationship and bond with respect. I have zero evidence anything of the sort has happened or could potentially happen.

Having a relationship with open communication lines that make it possible to say we've become distant we need to address this if we don't want it to get worse is being honest and realistic.

Getting up in someone's face who may or may not be interested in your husband as an expression of your love for him is frankly insane.

Bringing the arrangement to an end is sensible.

Assuming all women are the enemy and men need to be treated like nymphomaniac infants is pathetic.

There is nothing worse than a female mysogynist.

Surely it is the couples responsibility to make clear something wasn't on if someone outside the couple was attacking the relationship?

For my wife and I, we take sort of an "us against the world" view in that if something is affecting her, then it is affecting me, and if something is affecting me, then it is affecting her. If someone is making a play for one of us, it is our joint responsibility as a couple to defend the relationship.

@wellhelloitsme

Lol whatever it’s clear your much like the OP in attitude. We shall see how well that goes for her if she continues with it.

Why on earth would you blame the man who cheated more than the woman in your own home coming onto him? They’re both to blame.

However in this situation where there are relationship problems letting someone stay with you who constantly flirts with your husband is just asking for the relationship to end because it’s always right there - after every fight or coldness, the option of another woman in his own home. What a crazy thing to think was wise.

If there were no relationship problems then maybe he would shut it down - but it would still be disrespectful of this woman and OP would be entirely entitled to call her out on it. Why the hell have concern for a woman who comes into your own home and flirts with your husband? Why Pusey foot around what she’s doing so it doesn’t get awkward? It’s already awkward. Because of her not giving a crap about anything but what she wants.

But I suspect you’ll find a way to turn this around so it’s all the man’s responsibility and OP should do nothing and if the woman trying to get with her husband succeeds whatever good for her, it’s really the husbands fault anyway. Shit her and OP should go out for coffee and bond over it, why not?

OP is free to follow your advice and keep that energy if she wants. But the reality is the resentment of men and coldness toward them in relationships is apparent in it and it poisons the relationships.

I no I said it before op. And maybe it highlights the distance you now speak of,that there problems in your relationship?
because I think like other posters I have picked up on a certain “oh well” about it all for you.and for most it would be fucking devastating.and yes it would also be ok to feel like it’s the end of the world. Try at doesn’t mean that those woman or too reliant on a man for their worth,or aren’t independent woman.it means they love someone so much.it means they want to keep the relationship they cherish.a team.a pair.it’s ok to be like that,and still could be very strong woman.
but you seemed resigned or joyless in your words of him.and ready for it if he’s cheating,and would be ok.for most it wouldn’t be ok.
and I also think that why pp have found it a bit odd you haven’t reacted with her,got her gone ir told to to back the 🦆 off. That’s ok for wives to feel!this relationship belongs to you and she is coming between that.

@samyeagar

The example @Amantha00 gave was someone theoretically 'shamelessly flirting' with her husband and 'offering herself up in a bow.

You say: Surely it is the couples responsibility to make clear something wasn't on if someone outside the couple was attacking the relationship?

But your partner needs to be told that someone 'shamelessly flirting' with him and 'offering herself up in a bow' isn't on... you've got a seriously strange relationship unless you're in an open one in which case it wouldn't be an issue anyway.