Is it possible to have a bit of ongoing support please?

[Bluehanger]

Hi everyone
I'm having a lot of problems at the moment and going through the worse time of my life. Feeling very desperate and alone a lot of the time and wondered if it would be possible to have a post that I could check into once a day to have some contact with people please? If anyone would be willing to offer any advice, that would be welcome too.

Short story is marriage breakdown after 30 years and struggling with painful guilt towards my only adult child. Have been separated 4 months and I've tried so hard to be strong but I've gone backwards and can't seem to do it.

Ibelieveinmirrorballs I really hope your child is on the road to recovery.

I haven’t read your whole thread OP but as someone who is 4 months out of a 19 year relationship I wanted to offer my solidarity. It’s hard isn’t it!
I’ve made good use of the Samaritans over the last 4 months, I’ve been sending them e-mails and speaking to them on the phone when I get into a bad place. I hope your ok and that today is a good day for you xx

You really must let go of this unrealistic image you have in your head of the sibling for your son. Many many people do not like or even speak to their siblings. Your son may have not got along with his brother or sister and would have been of no help to him now and anyway its pointless even thinking of that now. We can't change the past only the future The best thing you can do for your son now is get your life together and try to be happy. Sort the house out and do practical things each day to take your mind off of how bad you feel. Do it for your son. You have done your very best for him but sometimes life doesn't work out how we thought and we can't change other people's actions only our own. Your son is an adult now and is going to have his own life with his own friend and job etc he will be fine. Make him proud by making good life for yourself then you can start to do things with him making new memories the two of you.

OP, you have not failed your son. You have been the best mum to him. You don’t know how another sibling would’ve turned out.

You say the abuse was directed at you not your son - same in my house. Except that children aren’t stupid. Children see these things. I saw through the fake happy face my mum put on. We picked up on it. Children also imitate their parents’ behaviour sometimes. You can’t know how a sibling would’ve turned out.

I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you right now. But you need to let it go. Forgive yourself if that’s how you feel, then forget about it. If it would be okay with you, I would like to keep you in my prayers. I really hope you find the strength you’re looking for OP You’re an incredible woman, I’m sure of that.

You have got rid of a bully. And now he has lost the ability to abuse you, you have taken up the mantle and are doing it to yourself. Just think about that.

The next few days and weeks are not about the past or the future they are about survival. Try to live in the moment. Deal only what is infront of you.

Surviving and a life well lived is the best revenge. You will survive this. Start to visiualise the unplanned positives of this situation however small.

No more snoring waking you up. Being able to eat that dinner that he always hated. YOUR choice of TV programs. Peace and quiet and a relaxing home. See that friend that he never liked. Get new bedding and enjoy it being fresh and clean. All of these things aren't a stretch.

You are stuck in a dangerous loop of catastrophising, minimising positives and maximising any negatives.

Try journalling as a way to pour out all of your negativity. Then challenge yourself to write down three positives about your day. You need to take proactive steps to
Re balance your mindset.

And then I receive a random message (which he will then change his mind on the next day) saying he knows how I must have felt over the years and he would like to talk to me about it.

Hell yes, that rings bells! And should you, perchance, think to engage like the rational person you are, you'll come out of it having been rung through the mill and he'll be off feeling a whole lot better for 'getting everything of his chest' (i.e. the opportunity to tell you how everything was actually your fault!

Can you break down what needs to be done in the house? Is it practical, needs labour, or specialist work. Is it decluttering, cleaning, organising? Maybe we could help you with some ideas as as possibly some steps forward in a project could help you feel more worthwhile in yourself? Are you a perfectionist or just don't know where to start? Or lacking energy to do any of it? We've all been there too...

Hi Twillow, yep you're spot on. Any conversation with him would be damaging for me and set me back. I'm scared to see his horrible sneery face and hear his patronising voice as it triggers anxiety and often anger too in me.

Have had an emergency with my very elderly dog today who needed a biopsy and he got wind of this so I've had voicemails demanding to know what's going on. Bloody cheek. I've been caring for our incontinent dog who has seizures and not once has he asked how he is or if I need help with him or how am I managing. It's been HARD work on top of everything else. He's asked to see him in a very cold entitled manner, for example at the end of letters he's written about finances etc, he's added 'I want to see (dog's name). I'm not stopping him from seeing him but I'm not running back to him to facilitate this. No way. I've been an idiot and too accommodating and caring for far, far too long. If he wants to see him, he can easily arrange that (too long to explain) but his approach at the moment enables him to tell people I've stopped him from seeing our dog. I'm really, really beyond caring. I did care but I have nothing left in me. He can tell people what he likes.

The house is a mess, I used to be house proud! It's a mixture of piles of clothes I was clearing out, rugs that need washing properly (dog related), broken things that 'he' was meant to deal with and didn't (we have no lights in the hallways as the fittings broke and he never repaired them despite me asking. The fence is down in the garden, etc), the en-suite is disgusting. The microwave and hoover have broken and we had a disgusting fly 'infestation' which is okay now. So a mix of things.

It was suggested on here to tackle three things a day so I've been prioritising and doing that. Today was phone doctors, return parcel and find paperwork.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

I think you found your anger and you sound POWERFUL!

I'm really not. I wish I was.

Anyone awake please?

I'm awake

Hi, thank you

Anyone awake to talk please?

Hi @Bluehanger, having trouble sleeping?

I was. I need to get up now. Don't feel like I can do it. it's so hard

Hang in there @Bluehanger
You've got this. Just a few hours to get through and then you can be back home and collapse into bed

Full day. No collapsing until evening. Not sure what to do. In a mess. Thank you though.

Can you call in sick? Maybe just do a half day?

Afraid not. I'm self employed too so I don't get paid. Wish I could! Thank you for talking

Well, if you can afford it please do finish earlier than planned. Sometimes we need to put our health first.

Bump

Hi there. Are you managing to get stuck into work? Can it be used as a useful distraction to keep your mind off things? I'm sorry you are in a really tough place.

Thank you. Yes I'm working at the moment. The lady I'm doing work for today knows I'm having problems and is understanding .

Home now if anyone can be bothered to have a chat. Absolutely worn out!