Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

Ffs, are you happy putting your own kid at risk? Leave him now, can’t believe you’re still doing this.

He hasn't made any attempts to contact me for five days so hopefully that's it now and he has accepted its over even if he won't give me things but that the things don't matter as long as he leaves me alone.

You said this exact same thing back in August and clearly it didn’t pan out that way then. It won’t now. He will come back and try to hoover you back in.

You can’t rely on him to get bored. You need to take control and end things for good and block him.

He is blocked on everything now so he can't contact me unless he shows up at work or my house. Because I work shifts he doesn't know where I am and when. I have a few of his things which I will post recorded delivery and that's only because he said when he was arrested before he was only trying to retrieve items from his previous ex so he can't use that as a way of contacting me. Does that sound right?

I think ringing woman’s aid is a really good idea, please do that today they’re really good.

Could your mum take his things? If not then yes post them

My family live over 4 hours away so not an option but thank you for the suggestion. I don't mind posting them as like I said he can't use it as an excuse to come to me.

My mum said if I do post I should add a note saying not to bother returning my things as then he can't use my things as an excuse to contact me either. Is that a good idea? I don't want to leave any excuse for him to contact me. I haven't seen him in a month and I know I've messed up and I feel hurt as I miss the man I thought he was for 13 years but equally I do feel a weight has been lifted.

I cannot believe this is still going on!

If I was your child’s father I’d be making a court application.

Bad enough that you’re putting yourself in this situation but you’re an adult who can choose this, even if it’s a fucking terrible choice. But you’re putting your daughter in the same situation and she has no control over it at all. Appalling.

OP, you're not being honest with yourself here. You want him to contact you, which is why in the past you didn't block him (the excuse being "he might notice and it would make things worse") and why you're now planning to write him notes (the excuse being that your mum suggested it and you're just trying to get your things back). You know this man doesn't respect what you tell him and is unlikely to quietly obey an instruction. Part of you is hoping he will turn up with your stuff or at least write back to you. Own it. You can't work on a problem if you don't acknowledge it's there.

If you genuinely 100% need those belongings back (are they the Crown Jewels? Something irreplaceable?) contact the police for support in retrieving them. He's a known abuser with a Clare's Law disclosure against his name. Police will support you. But stop trying to engineer contact.

I don't need the things back and will write them off. My mum suggested it so he can't use my stuff as an excuse to contact me as return of stuff was what he used an an excuse to talk to last ex which is why she contacted police and I don't want that to happen to me.

I messed up in August and I really do not want to again so I am genuinely trying to remove any excuse to contact. So I thought if I post his things he can't say he turned up to collect them. If I tell him I'm OK not having my things he can't turn up to drop them off. Therefore all excuses to get in contact are gone. I'm open to any and all advice on offer I really am. He is blocked on everything.

If you've done a Clare's Law request and things came up, then tell the police what's been going on since then, and that you want to report a safeguarding issue because you have children.

He doesn't need excuses to do anything. If he wants to contact you, he'll try no matter what you've done or haven't done. You can only control your own behaviour, not his. If he writes to you, ignore it and tell the police you want no contact. If he turns up on the doorstep, ignore him and notify police. Don't interact with him yourself.

OK I will stick with him being blocked on mobile and email so no communication and if he tries in person I will contact the police.

It sounds like you really want to do the right thing, but you need support to stick to it. I get it, it’s hard. Please call Women’s Aid.

I do want to do the right thing and I do need support. I've talked to my mum a lot. But it's hard her being so far away. The whole thing is really hard to navigate. But I do want to get this right.

I spoke to womens aid and they have given me information for my local womens aid for help practically and emotionally. So I will contact local wa tomorrow. Is there anything else I need to do now? I've blocked, let family know and contacted wa.

Well done OP.

It is incredibly hard, I’ve been in an abusive relationship and it’s so difficult to get out of. You cling on hoping that the “good” version of them will come back, think that if you try a bit harder they will change but I promise they won’t.

You’ve taken some pretty big steps, remember to be kind to yourself. Even if it’s just having a nice bath or a face mask, do things that make you feel peaceful, you’re important too.

Maybe watch some YouTube videos on trauma bonds and abusive relationships, they helped me a lot. You’ve got this!

Well done
WA helped me trigger the change
i now donate to them monthly x

Wishing you strength @Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake

Thanks everyone. Yes it is hard because you think the nice them is real. It's confusing as when he's nice he can't do enough for me. I've still kept him blocked but it's still confusing. He hasn't shown up at all.

Have you done the freedom programme?

Quite usual for abusers to be lovely at times, because that’s what sucks people in.

But genuinely nice people don’t pretend to be nasty sometimes. The nasty is the real him.

He emailed me on another account I forgot to block asking if we're still seeing eachother and saying I'm immature for not talking to him as although I'm upset he hasn't done anything wrong and putting sad emojis. I'm ignoring him and blocked that too but it's getting me down. Just need to vent.

Well done for not allowing him to manipulate you.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Thank you. Do I need to do anything else or be prepared in any way? Only because his previous arrest was due to him not accepting another relationship was over and he might turn up where I live etc.

The only thing you need to do is not go back.

Block him on anything he uses to contact you, if he turns up don’t answer or call the police if you feel threatened. He will not go away easily and he will promise the world but do not go back. He will never change.

Did you speak to your local WA? x