Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

Go into YouTube and type “healing from narcissistic abuse”, many excellent videos on the subject, very useful and… free!

Hes controlling and manipulative and he gaslights and 'punishes' you. Run. You're dating an abuser. He'll try and come back. Don't let him. Seriously, he's fucking nuts.

Read up in red flags of abuse before you date again in future. Really common for narcissists and similar to monopolise your time via texting (especially when they know you are busy/trying to do something important fyi). It's all about them getting their narcissistic supply by knowing you are having to drop other things to focus on them. It's definately controlling.

Run fast. Run far. Don't ever look back.

I'm sorry to hear about your past @KettrickenSmiled

I had a partner when I was 18. He behaved the same as this one. It escalated to dv. I just don't understand where this came from in the last 12 years. My ex husband wasn't abusive but he was negligent. I'm so heartbroken but there has been so many signs. Two weeks ago I even found a letter in recent ex house from police as he's being investigated for harassment (from before we dated -he said his ex stole money). He said it was lies from his ex and he had evidence to prove which he would show me and I believed him because I've known him 12 years.

My past is a loooooong time ago OP, & although I wonder what it might have been like to have had a good start in life from loving parents ... the amount of wisdom you can gain from going through the process of healing - under the care of a professional expert - is astounding.

Yup, there you go.
He has straight up told you be blocked you to punish you. All because you dared to ask for a little bit less texting.

I think you would be wise to block entirely now. Because you don't want one if his messages to find you when you are having a weak moment.

Also FYI, the 'how are you?' messages don't actually mean that. They are just him trying to stay relevant. The same as his obsessive texting before hand.

Block him and keep him blocked.

Counselling is a good way to help get over the relationship OP.
He sounds awful.

Dodged a bullet? More like dodged a hand grenade.

Stay strong OP.

Do not engage with this nut job ever again.

I won't be engaging with him. He hasnt tried to contact me since his last message which I completely ignored so I think he will leave it be now. I agree about punishing when put like that because when he initially asked if I was okay and explained he's just checking not pestering as soon as I said I'm fine he then had his rant about me having issues and to look at myself. So jump from concern straight to berating.

Stay strong OP. Keep your boundaries strong!!

Still no contact either side (I can't I deleted but he's left me alone).

I am feeling a bit better I know it takes time. He always used to dismiss my concerns and say I make small things big for no reason. I still have wobbles that maybe I am overreacting as he says he's always been so nice to me and I attack him for not being perfect but I've never attacked.

So glad you got free. He would gave driven you crazy. Reduced you to a shell of a human being.

Narcissists like to tell you you are oversensitive, overreacting ect...it's how they make you feel that you don't have a right to your own feelings.

But you do. And your feelings are valid.

I've been deleting old messages (I export to email) and thr contrast between saying I'm a good person, how he loves me and wants to marry me and how I always have a go at him and blow issues up is confusing. He said his ex before me abused him physically and he knows I'm nothing like that then last week when I asked for space and to stop talking about exes he says I remind him of her is upsetting because I don't think asking for space is abusive or saying please stop going on about exes.

10 years ago he played me and this other woman off against eachothet. She still doesn't know but they are friends still. He always compares me to her and said he can have her back if he wanted then said I'm insecure for worrying. He brings up an ex or thr fact he hurt me and when I reply he'll tell me to stop bringing up thr past. I suffer ocd too he knows this.

I'm just venting. The more I think of things thre clearer it is. Its just being turned from wonderful partner to monster has made me worry I am a monster. He used to say his colleagues are scared of him and some are backstabbing him. If huge chunks of people in your life have issue with yoy then it needs looking at?

10 years ago he also bullied me into an abortion. Said he felt suicidal and I would be alone and not to come crying to him too. I genuinely believe in second chances but you can't gloat about exes, compare me badly to a woman you shafted me for and wonder why I'm anxious around you.

He sounds worse the more you post about him. Sounds like he’s always been a manipulative bully who likes to play mind games. The ‘lovely’ part is basically weaponised ‘niceness’ as you’re realising. It’s so you doubt yourself and he can say how much he cares and so on.

Stay strong and keep your distance. The longer you don’t interact with him the more the fog and confusion will lift and you’ll see clearly.

The other thing to remember is, while it’s great you’re reaching out here and getting support (and i’m NOT saying to stop doing that), getting some mental space from going back over what happened and ruminating on it will also be helpful. So, if you’re not already doing it, can you find some ways to distract yourself and get him off your mind so you give your body and brain some true distance from the situation? Even if it’s just getting absorbed in a TV programme or book or something like that?

You might already be doing that but if not, distance plus good slices of distraction are what has helped me the most when extricating myself from someone who is basically a manipulative head fuck.

It’s funny how narcissists have “always been abused by their ex’s”. My ex narc used to tell me the same thing. Whenever I would set boundaries he would tell him I reminded him of his abusive ex.

Yes I've been working hard to distrsct myself. He has been away and due back today. Do you think he'll turn up as I'm worried about that. He's made no effort to chase me so I'm thinking he'll leave things after no reply to his I'm a fantasist text? I'm still feeling hurt but not as much as before I don't want to undo it.

I didn't know accusing of abuse was common with these people. I was really upset he compared me to a woman who he says hit him and stole from him as like I said all I told him was to stop bringing up exes (he says I always pick but I called it out everytime so if it feels constant it was because he was constantly doing it), give me space and your parents need to stop intruding date nights. He said I always treated him well and now I constantly hard to him. I swing from regretting asking for space to thinking there's nothing wrong with my original text.

If he turns up, you do y open the door and you tell him to leave. If he doesn’t leave, you call the police.

He’s trash. Pondering on the myriad ways in which that has manifested itself achieves nothing and doesn’t seem to be making you feel any better. So stop reading old messages. Block this person, get him out of your head and move on with your life.

I doubt you'll hear, or see him for a while, but I bet you he'll text or email somehow with either an 'x' or a 'how are you' to try and Hoover you back in, it'll be about the time you're starting to accept it's over and move on.

I deleted all messages just low so thinking about them. I just don't understand how it got to this point I don't. I feel so upset and cross with myself too and I'm so confused. I'm sorry for rambling. Just a bad day. In his last text he said he'd keep my daughters stuff until I'm back when I asked him to post. I didn't reply to that (was in thr same text as him saying he's glad I'm better, he cares but I make issues out of nothing and I attack him all thr time from last week). My head feels fried. Just confused. I just want to feel better now.

Write off your daughter’s stuff and BLOCK HIM.

You'll feel like crap for a bit, and that’s okay. You’ll eventually feel better.

Also, don’t sit around obsessing about this. Go out, meet up with family and friends, do some exercise, read a book. Live your life.

I'm worried in case I'm making a mistake. It's not logical but because my mental health is so bad I am afraid it's that and I hate I can't see things normally. I can't block as I don't have and know his number. I can only block if he contacts. I'm OK about daughters stuff. I just want to feel okay and be normal.

Also, don’t sit around obsessing about this. Go out, meet up with family and friends, do some exercise, read a book. Live your life.

Red flags. The blocking would piss me off - it's controlling and abusive.

But your anxiety and depression needs addressing - you Yourself don't sound in the right frame of mind to be actually having a relationship atm. See your GP, sort some counselling.

I'm starting cbt in October. I'd been single 3 years and was genuinely OK and happy. Start of relationship was fine just wearing all of it. No idea how it got here. Things were normal. I think I got into a relationship with the wrong person. The second chance was a bad idea. I will ask for counselling aswell and will be staying single. I am trying so hard not to dwell and to distrsct myself.

CBT is brilliant OP - it really helps with the tendency to negative & self-berating rumination.

And look at what you have already learned: you were genuinely ok & happy for 3 years when single. What on earth could be the common denominator to your present unhappiness I wonder?! 😂

You will be ok & happy again, you just need a while to get this man out of your system.
btw - he is playing mindgames with your daughter's belongings. If he had a shred of decency he would post them back, or leave them outside your front door without expecting to talk to you. But he is holding on to them as a means of controlling you. As PP have advised, you are best off writing them off.

And stay alert to Hoovering - this article will & also help with your feelings of being at fault for making a mistake ... it shows how common this dynamic is, & that you are not to blame for reacting normally to an abnormal dynamic & abusive man.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Thanks for all advice and links. Last link is scarily accurate. He always says he loves to help people but yes it sounds so transactional ie he did this nice thing so how can I have the audacity to be upset about a not so nice thing. It makes me feel I owe him or how could I cope without him.

Also has a few failed relationships and tries to keep in contact with as many exes as possible ie back ups. He's mid forties and says he wants family life but has never progressed beyond the dating bit.