Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

[KettrickenSmiled]

re: "transactional" - knowyourmeme.com/memes/nice-guys

Hope it gives you a wry laugh AND a reminder not to fall for his bullshit when he comes Hoovering OP 😎

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

@KettrickenSmiled

re: "transactional" - knowyourmeme.com/memes/nice-guys

Hope it gives you a wry laugh AND a reminder not to fall for his bullshit when he comes Hoovering OP 😎

So true 😂

Do you think he will try and get in touch? It's been 6 days now and I'm thinking not?

[KettrickenSmiled]

Hard to say if he will get back in touch.
But ... expect it when you least expect it ...

It's part of The Script for the narcissistic-style abusers to keep you in the wings in case any new source of Supply doesn't work out. Remember - you are not a person, you are a resource. And why would he entirely jettison a perfectly good resource he's put time & effort into training up to respond as he wishes?
So you may be gone, but you will not be forgotten, & as soon as he wants some drama, or to wind you up, or to play whatever-the-fuck mindgame appeals to him - he'll be back.

When/if he does - BLOCK.
There is no reasoning with people like him & you will just get sucked back in.
Don't imagine you can handle low contact or Grey Rock. You need to cut this man off entirely.

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

Thanks @KettrickenSmiled

I have been reading about controlling partners and he ticks every box. I talked to my mum and sister and they have echoed what has been said here. I've also booked to speak to a counsellor now to work through things as it doesn't matter how many times I'm told it isn't my anxiety I can't move past that. My mum said I am not a bad person and him accusing me of being one is nasty because he would know it would upset me so much. I hate that I ignored little hints and feel upset that if this is someone I've known for so long I must be a bad judge of character. I am going to pay for proper full counselling.

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

Sorry to resurrect this thread.

I had a clare law disclosure and there is a history which I cannot elaborate on. He made excuses. He had only previously said milder stuff.

He said he never meant to be horrid to me. I stupidly gave another chance.

Now he is giving me the silent treatment again and accusing me of overreacting to me bringing up that he hasn't changed how he treats me despite him saying he would. He ignores me and then texts a few days later asking if im OK expecting me to forget any issues I have. When I replied asking for things he ignores again.

I know staying was wrong. He was being so nice sometimes but then he becomes self involved and when I said its not OK I get ignored and he accused me of blocking him when I didn't.

I really need a kick up the arse as I can't see clearly at all.

[CatAndHisKit]

Why do you want him?
He's a controlling, full stop!

[CatAndHisKit]

*controlling dick

[Celia24]

Controlling prat. Dump him OP.

[Pinkbonbon]

*Great big flying kick up the arse.

The guy has stuff on record for abusing other women op. Run!

[Maytodecember]

His initials aren’t CN are they? His behaviour is exactly the same as my friend’s “ex” that she can’t get rid of. He also ingratiated himself doing the jobs in the house, she mustn’t trouble herself doing them, he was furious over another man ( professional) she called in to do a job that needed a professional. He tracked her phone. Treated her appallingly by moving in with her, then going back to his ex two weeks later while she was at work.
Nearly 3 years later ( yes, 3 ) she still refuses to block him, he turns up randomly at her house, when it suits him. Bombards her with texts, then drops her, then back to the live bombing. She is still at his beck and call after 3 years. It’s a rubbish way to live. Please don’t be like my friend and be used by a man.
Bin him, block him. When you find yourself thinking of him immediately make yourself think of something else —- that film you want to see, last night’s tv programme, Harry and his bloody book — keep doing it because practice helps.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

You know what you need to do.

[Goldpaw]

You need to ask yourself why your bar is set so low, then work on your self esteem which is at rock bottom since you took this abusive dickhead back into your life.

He targetted you because he saw you had low self worth, and are easy to manipulate. So no matter how badly he treats you somehow it's not him, it's you, and despite having a record for abuse you listen to him telling you it wasn't him it was them.

And you accept what he says even when you don't really believe it. He twists everything and messes with your head, yet over and over you take him back. Abusers are nice to their victims to keep them dangling.

You need to block him, and keep him blocked. Think about what you're teaching your child about relationships, what you're training her for in later life. She'll be learning from your relationships.

Did you have the counselling you said you were going to pay for?

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

I had some counselling with mind. He just blames my mental health. If I mention anything he'll give a list of things I've done to upset him yet were never an issue until I raise mine. He still does the ex thing, ignore me for his parents.

He currently has an ongoing cps prosecution too (he told me this after I asked for clares law).

He bought a tracker for my daughter. He's never pushed to use it (not that it makes it ol buying one).

Honestly I am so drained and I do want out I just et doubts because he says I take things too personally and that I don't want him to see his family (which I didn't I just said stop interrupting date night to talk to them).

[MyMumSaysALot]

Guilty conscience.

He’s got a guilty conscience and he’s trying to make you feel guilty. Don’t fall for it.

[Nugg]

I cannot express this enough. R U N

NARCISSISTIC asshole. He won't change and if you stay he will destroy you. Yes, I'm talking from bitter experience!

Leave him. Block him, filter emails to trash etc.

Don't look back. I'm the idiot that hung on for years and allowed him to break me. Still rebuilding myself almost 2 years later.

[Dullardmullard]

You need therapy for your very low self esteem

he bought a tracker for your lass give it back and dump him delete and block on everything.

cold turkey

[orangetriangle]

wow run for the hills

[dolor]

Blockity block block block and RUN AWAAAAAAAAY

[Summerhillsquare]

Could you get some outside help with this one OP? Social services, women's aid, legal advice, move with family for a bit? If he's got convictions and pending prosecutions he's obviously dangerous and you have a child to think of. Can someone help you keep yourself and daughter safe?

[mathanxiety]

This man should come with a health warning plastered all over his forehead.

You need to tell him the relationship is over. Don't even think about trying to make it work. He's a bottomless pit of narcissistic need who will push against your boundaries constantly in a bid to erase you as a separate human person. You will end up a shell of your former self if you keep him in your life.

[Goldpaw]

He's abusing you. He's abused others. He's a criminal. Yet you wonder if it's you?! He's doing a real number on you isn't he.

Please get up off the floor and get some help for your self esteem which seems non existent.

And block him this time. Don't make the same mistake as last time when you let him back in.

[mathanxiety]

Call Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247

Ask for help. Engage with whatever therapy you can get from them.

You need to take a hammer to the tracker he bought for your child. Every gesture he makes is an attempt to reach your boundaries. It is chilling that he has now focused on your child.

Get rid of him.

[mathanxiety]

Reach = breach

[emptythelitterbox]

Please contact the listed resources for help.

Block him everywhere.
2nd the hammer on the tracker
That is majorly scary and creepy.
You didn't say how old your DD is but alert her school and give them his photo.

Sweep your devices for any keyloggers and your home for any hidden cameras.
If he comes around phone the police.

[star8]

Ok so you you tried again. Its not working. Time to stop this habit and leave for good. It hasn't changed it wont change.
Just see this chance you gave as his last chance and he blew it. For the safety of you and your child stop giving this person chances