Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

If he contacts you again call the police and log a case of harassment. He will hopefully then back off with another harassment case pending. One point I did want to pick up on is that you have self doubt, have said you struggle with your mental health but I’d just like to say

1. you come across as an intelligent and emotionally literate person
2. you sound kind
3. you seem thoughtful but also logical
4. you are taking positive steps for yourself and your daughter

yes you may struggle with your mental health but his portrayal of you is totally inaccurate and you should have confidence in yourself and your abilities! You’ve got this and you don’t need this lowlife anywhere near you. He isn’t a friend and the fact he has other cases pending shows he’s a danger to women generally. Never give him another chance going forward

Came back as was feeling low and sometimes just need a handhold. Thanks for all the messages. I have been keeping busy with home and my daughter. Just need time.

Yes keep busy and concentrate on your daughter. You could lose her if you go back to him as if I was her father I’d be taking legal action if you did.

you have now blocked him on known accounts but be ready for him turning up/messaging on new accounts, new phone numbers. These people don’t give up easily so as soon as he does (and he probably will) contact the police informing them of the Claire’s Law disclosure and his harassment of you. It needs to be recorded and their involvement will be what aid likely to get rid of him for good

Thanks @Temporaryname158 . Part of me still feels confused and upset but I know it's illogical and just my emotions. Feel a bit down today about it all. I'm keeping busy with things I enjoy and things that need doing and of course with my wonderful daughter.

You’re doing really well OP x

@Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake I hope you have had a good weekend with your daughter.

I found listening to podcasts and you tube videos about domestic abuse very useful. I also read a booked called Living with The Dominator which was unbelievable! My ex was written into every page and this really allowed me to stand back and realise the situation I had unknowingly walked into. That also allowed me to see him for who he really was and it enabled me to uncouple my mind from him so much more. I highly recommend it!

I have been reading more about narcissism and abuse and I do see more of the behaviours that he displayed on the list. Even little things like bailing last minute or changing the plans then giving really poor reasons why such as choosing to stay out late and needing a lie in as a reason not to meet at an agreed time. Then saying he doesn't seem the harm and that I don't like him relaxing when it's not what he does in his free time that bothers me it's the bailing last minute or choosing all our plans together even down to what we watch and eat.

Also he would ignore me asking him to use condoms towards the end when I said I had come off the pill due to other issues with it. I was convinced he wanted to get me pregnant and not for the right reasons. I would feel relieved when I didn't have to talk to him and so down after time together towards the end. Also not his fault about the police thing apparently as other exes say he's nice. He would tell me I just don't like things not going my way. No I just don't like being dicked around.

It helps to write it down. More I get on with things the more I see that isn't right.

Hey I'm the original OP.

I'm still apart from him (after this thread he sent several messages via other means saying police lied/ wa lied/ I was a fantasist/ I was the abuser and to provide evidence of mistreatment). I ignored them all but kind of glad he messaged as it provided more of an eye opener to add to the wonderful support you all gave me. Especially him accusing me and asking for evidence as with the ex he has been arrested for he kept saying no evidence and she was crazy so to be treated with the same accusations spoke volumes.

Some ways I am doing really well and DD is too as she sees I am more settled. My self esteem is still shot to pieces and I miss the "good" him but I am getting there. I don't want this to make me afraid to ever date again though. I still have doubts but I remind myself he planted those doubts and to remember your kind words and the helps from various professionals. I still have counselking where I can and throw myself into work, seeing friends and most importantly being with my little girl. My lowest moments come from letting her down and work hard to make it up.

I'm glad you're doing well op.

And whilst I don't want to scare you off dating, I hope you'll keep away from it for a couple of years . And use thar time to reestablish your self esteem and learn how to spot abusers. That way you can get rid of them right away if you see red flags early on on dating.

Because its really common to leave one abusive relationship and fall into another if you're not careful (guess you know that already though!). Often 'because he seemed so different from my last ex' (in the beginning).

If you haven't already, see about doing the freedom programme online.

And when you do date again, never mention past abuse early on. It gives abusers a green light to hold on to you if they are that way inclined.

You deserve every happiness and so does your daughter. Men are just added spice (when they are decent) not a necessity. Keep up the good work and focus on finding yourself and your self love again. That's what matters. Loving you. So much that you'll never let some bastard back into your life again. Not just for your kid but for you.