Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

God he sounds just like my narcissistic ex. He used to message after similar asking if I’d ‘had time to reflect’ on my behaviour. Horrible, controlling wankers they are!!

stay strong. Read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy. It opened my eyes wide to all his crap.

Yes in his message accusing me of making things up he asks me "to take a step back and look at myself". The more replies I get the more chilling it is that I missed so much. He was never like this thr first time we dated.

"I would like to draw a line under this so please respect my decision not to continue seeing you and stop messaging me. All the best."

Send that and block!

Narcissists never take accountability of their actions, EVER. It's always your fault, you're always the problem, they are perfect creatures in gods eyes. They always turn discussions around, gaslight you, it's exhausting, and terrible for one's mental health. Engaging with them is useless because they don't listen or think like normal people. They are very needy and want constant attention at the cost of your mental health. Engaging in discussions with this man is a lost battle because he will always turn the tables on you. You've made your point, now walk away and disengage yourself from this toxic person. Beware there is going to be harassment on his part because they don't take "no" for an answer.

Red flags:

Excessive and unnecessary messaging, doesn't respond well to you being too busy to reply.
Jealous of a relationship you are no longer in.
Treats your independence likes it's rejection and therefore a problem for him. Perhaps would like to you to feel indebted for his 'help'.
Talks about his previous relationships a lot, includes unnecessary details about sex with previous partners.
Compares you unfavourable to previous partners.
Blocks you when you ask him to be a bit less intense with messaging.

He is a deeply insecure and manipulative man. He would like to make you feel insecure too. His behaviour is not going to improve so the only future for this relationship is dysfunctional. Free yourself from the madness before it becomes normalised for you. Get rid.

My ex narc was the ‘perfect’ man when I first met him - it’s the love bombing phase. The mask always slips at some point. But it’s the memory of the beginning that keeps you hooked in & small glimpses of the (fake) man you first met along the way.

They never say sorry unless under duress or if it benefits them somehow. He’ll undermine your sense of reality, sense of self & emotional well being eventually. It’s like being on shifting sands with these people, they are not good, solid, honest people. Nor mentally stable. What kind of nasty person asks you to look at yourself & blocks you when you’ve asked for something utterly reasonable?

Normal healthy people do not behave or talk to other people the way he is treating & talking to you.

Be strong & stay away from him, it took me 3 years to leave my narc. It broke me, affected my kids negatively and it took me a long time & therapy to get over it.

Definitely the indebted thing. Anytime I bring up an issue he says he's always been so good to me and supportive and he doesn't deserve it. And he's asked if his friendship with an ex bothers me (it doesnt). He said things with his last ex were fine when her sister didn't influence her but since all this I'm seeing all these talks different.

I'm starting to really doubt myself now because he did loads of nice things. He said when I last heard a couple of days ago it was my insecurity and I was pushing him away. Was I worrying too much about the ex thing? I'm starting to think maybe my anxiety has made me worry too much and I was oversensitive. I really don't know how to deal with all this because sometimes I can't tell what is my illness and what is genuine. Its normal to talk about exes sometimes yes? It's because he said it was my issues and he doesn't know why I turn these small things into major things and I have a warped view of him.

I'm starting to really doubt myself now because he did loads of nice things.
Slow down a bit OP.

Doing nice things is a normal part of human relationships, you don't need to award kudos for it. "Don't applaud a fish for swimming."

Also - the cycle of abuse always contains an element of "nice."
If abusers were 100% nasty, how would they reel you in, & then keep you?
You are also aware that he put a hidden price on anything "nice" he did for you, & expected you to pay it. It's a form of blackmail & manipulation - see Gavin de Becker ("Gift of Fear" book) on the concept of Loan Sharking & Forced Teaming -

“niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport-building, charm and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.”

See also streetsmartwomen.com/violent-men-warning-signs/

You just need a bit of time, in which you will emerge from the FOG & realise that all this overthinking is a product of being with a man who constantly made you second-guess yourself & supress your own instincts.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

You don't need this man - he's not good for you, & you owe him nothing.

He doesn’t want to feel needed in a positive way, he was trying to create a dependency on him. He’s trying to use your mental health against you and manipulate you. Stop looking at his messages because he’s getting you to doubt yourself. You didn’t ‘push him away’ due to anxiety or insecurity, you quite reasonably said you didn’t want to hear loads of stuff about exes and be negatively compared, you also stated your boundaries regarding contact. He is trying to force his way past your boundaries again.

Being ‘nice’ and doing things for someone is NOT actually nice behaviour if it’s used as a quid pro quo which is what he was doing.

Don’t doubt yourself, you have been reasonable and told him the sort of relationship you wanted - he doesn’t want the same things so you should not be together. Block him, delete him and do not listen to his manipulations again. And if you have any doubts it’s right to block him just remember you were sure of your decision until he started badgering you again and playing his games.

Besides, ask yourself - if it’s true you have a warped idea of him and you are doing wait he said why would HE want to be with YOU?

He’s playing games, don’t play with him.

Two weeks ago he was saying I was amazing, deserved the best and always treated him well so how can I be that and someone that gives him a hard time all the time? Anytime I brought up an issue he'd then say something I was supposed to have done.

It was all just words & blather OP. Don't set any store by him being honest or upfront because he is a manipulator who will say anything to make you comply with his wishes.

Time to block the twat now.

Jeez, stop giving him headspace

That’s what narcissists and other abusers do, they throw you hot and cold. And that’s why victims stay. It’s messes up your head and place doubts on yourself. He’s very good at it and you’re falling for it OP.

I'm trying it's just hard. I haven't made any contact back I've deleted everything but it's still hard because we were friends for so long too. Its a lot to deal with.

That's it because he was asking if I feel better and when I said yes he then told me that I needed to have a look at myself etc ans not blame others for my issues. This was 2 days ago. I've said nothing back. I won't go back but just need to vent when it gets hard and in thr long term I want my mental health to recover.

How about you tell him to take a look at himself? Or you ask him why is he refusing to take accountability for his actions? he’s sucking your energy, gaslighting and triangulating you with his exes. You’ve had enough (rightly so). In perfect narcissistic style he’s completely unable to take a look at himself so he’s trying to turn the tables and manipulate you into “it’s all your fault”.

Can’t you see what an absolute head f—- k this is? No wonder you’re suffering from anxiety.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Please do yourself a massive favour, & delete/block him now OP.
Do you need a countdown? I'll stay online to cheer if you want a virtual handhold as you do it ...

Satisfying as it is to want to give a narc/abuser what for, there's little point.
The only viable method is to disengage totally, & Grey Rock any contact that is unavoidable.

OP doesn't need this man in her life, so she doesn't need to challenge him.
He would LOVE her to try though, so he can worm his way back into her head. He's an arsehole who's been triangulating her against exes, forcing past her boundaries, & gaslighting her into thinking she's Bad & Wrong for not giving him exactly what he wants (her total compliance & focus on his needs at the expense of her own).

He is deleted etc I cannot contact him. He messaged two days ago I've not replied just deleted. I can't see him chasing it now and if he does I'll continue to ignore. I only didn't block because he'd contact me another way and I'm worrying it fuels it.

I agree with the challenge thing actually. I think he was hoping I would be a wreck without him and then when I said I was fine he's trying to drag me back into it again and blaming me. And it's working.

@Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake

That's it because he was asking if I feel better and when I said yes he then told me that I needed to have a look at myself etc ans not blame others for my issues.

Urgh urgh I'm so annoyed on your behalf. That is some deeply patronising thought sewage hes cooked up there. Urgh he is awful.

How many red flags do u want him to wave?
Do better for yourself . Get out quick

How do I get over the relationship and get my confidence back? Feel mental health has suffered a huge setback.

First up, find a good friend, & laugh yourselves shitless over this nonsense:
He was angry I moved some shelves in my house and didn't ask for his help.

Pathetic little man!

Secondly, every time you feel this way, or doubt yourself, or miss him - remind yourself that you have escaped a controlling tosser & need to celebrate & congratulate yourself.

Thirdly - therapy, my dear.
I had a ridiculously abusive childhood, CSA, ACE, the lot - it led to some horrendously dysfunctional relationships & an abusive marriage. Working through it in therapy was a revelation. You need to find a way to be your own parent, nurture the wounded child you were, & slowly but surely convince yourself that you deserve better & are going to find it.

GP appointment. Open up to them - medical & clinical professionals LOVE a self-referrer, they are usually committed to the process & will do the necessary work. You will be put on the path to some form of NHS help: if you are financially able, they could also recommend private practionioners.