Boyfriend blocked me when I asked him to message less

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

New poster but longtime lurker.
I've been with my boyfriend 6 months but friends for 12 years (we also dated 10 years ago LDR and split due to distance). During the years apart we stayed friends he dated other girls and I got married and divorced. I'm a single mum copareting with my ex husband.

During this time we message a lot. He asks me a few times a day if I'm okay. Sometimes I don't reply as busy with work, daughter and just some me time. I see him once a week minimum. If I reply I get messaged back quickly and the conversations take up a lot of time. So if I'm busy I don't reply I get more are you okay messages. Even if we talk on a WhatsApp group he'll message general one asking if I'm OK.

3 weeks ago I messaged him three times over the weekend when he was messaging like this. He then said he felt he didn't know what was goin on with us, he isn't controlling but he wants more time even an hour here and there and me to ask his help more as he says he knows I'm independent but I need to let him in more with helping in my house.

He said he is jealous I got married and that my ex husband helped me with something at home. He also talks about all his exes a lot. Sharing every details with me about sex and romance and it's always anytime I mention something we could do together as a couple. I've asked him to stop as it happens everytime. He said he knows it's too much and does it to get my attention

Fast forward to a few days ago. Was due to meet but was feeling low so asked to reschedule but in the end went. We were talking about a project we doing together and he immediately made it about an ex. I said let's look forward not back. I messaged him after meeting to say that the constant messages throughout thr day need to stop and if I don't respond I'm busy or doing my own thing and I'd like to message less. Also I said again the ex thing has to stop as he compares me unfavourably to his exes and it's upsetting and making me anxious. I said I'd see him soon but really no replying or messaging all the time.

I went to confirm a meeting with him the day after and he has blocked me. I asked on a group chat why and he said I wanted space so he is giving it to me that I can't attack and bring up past all the time (even though I didn't I simply asked him not to). He said my mental health is my problem (I suffer anxiety and depression) and I need to sort myself out and that i can't just click and he comes running (he said he thought I was cancelling our date and wanted space away completely -I can accept if there is confusion here). But why block me? All I said was please stop messaging constantly when I'm not replying (due to being busy,) and talking about exes all the time. I've never yelled, called names or been violent.

I'm genuinely struggling to see what I did wrong?

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

I do think he is drawn to the anxiety. I'm one of three girls I know of that he's dated that has it. I mentioned it once and he said it'd because he has that need to help and look after people.

He's unblocked me now. I only found out by accident as his pic on whasapp call log from a phone call a couple of weeks ago. I'd deleted all his details after finding out I've been blocked. I'm not sure about blocking him myself as he would notice it and I don't want to escalate thinking better to just ignore and get on with things.

[Ladylout]

He reminds me of an ex of mine who after controlling me I realised was a manipulate narcissist. It took for me to realise that he didn't actually mean anything of the nice things he said to me and wasn't at all the person I thought he was to break his grip on me.

Be wise and block him back on everything. Don't waste anymore of your life on him.

[SammySammySammytheBetterfly]

Hess he saw a red flag?

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

He's a nightmare. Probably likes to think of himself as a Knight in Shining armour, whereas the reality is that he is a controlling freak who chooses girlfriends he thinks he can keep dependant and compliant.

Well shot of him. Do not waver and go back.

[Minoloso]

Horrible, horrible man. He’s ‘punishing’ you continually - training you to do what he wants. Negging you constantly about ex’s. Silent treatment, blocking, getting upset over your independence and demolishing your boundaries are all tools in the abusers kit. He’s vile. Think of your kid, you do not want her around this total headfuck of a man.

He’s not going to give up easily so steel yourself. He’s going to go on full lovebomb, anger then I want to die mode.

GET RID, IGNORE AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!

[Hyvsvaar]

He sounds exhausting, good grief I could not be doing with this

[TooHotToTangoToo]

Your anxiety will only improve without him in the picture. I strongly suspect this is one of the reasons he was drawn to you.

Well done for leaving him, don't get hoovered back in when he realises he's losing control. As other abusers took in his toolbox

[Itiswasitis90]

@Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake

It's definitely over I have no intention of going back as it doesn't work.

I agree cancelling and then changing my mind about a meet isn't on. I've done it twice in the six months. Both due to anxiety attacks. I did apologise to him and accept that's on me. I start cbt in October for my anxiety as sometimes I get agoraphobic too and my health = my responsibility.

Also agree we do sound toxic together as pp said. Different needs definitely.

Honestly, reading your responses you sound like you have your head thoroughly screwed on.
Trust your judgement and move on. :)

[Awrite]

He doesn't want you because he can't control you.

[SquirrelSoShiny]

He's trying to erode your boundaries. Now you've tried to draw some lines in the sand he's punishing you.

Except he's actually doing you a massive favour showing you exactly who he is at such an early stage. Don't be tempted to take him back. He sounds like the kind of man who will make your mental health worse then go round telling everyone how crazy you are. Run don't walk x

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

Thanks again I really do appreciate all advice. It'd just hard with anxiety because you panic about everything and sometimes even when you know somethings not right you still doubt yourself.

[brian420088]

this is a very inmature bavior, dont' waste your time for him

[Diawemma]

Please leave. You’re already doubting yourself.

[Whitehorsegirl]

Run.

So many red flags here.

The man sounds controlling, manipulative and immature. It is quite shocking as well that someone who had supposedly been a friend for a decade would behave in this way.

You have seen what he is really like now and if I were you I would have nothing more to do with him.

[Sandra1984]

@Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake

Thanks again I really do appreciate all advice. It'd just hard with anxiety because you panic about everything and sometimes even when you know somethings not right you still doubt yourself.

I, like you suffer from anxiety since I was a kid, I like you got involved with a very similar person (controlling, narcissist, gaslighting me said I was crazy). All this contributed really badly to my anxiety and felt really stressed out. The day I dumped him it felt like a balm. I'm not saying my anxiety was cured forever but my point is that if you already suffer from anxiety a partner like this will increase it substantially because a man like this is a constant source of stress.

[MakeItRain]

He will definitely start messaging again soon. I would send him one message when he does, along the lines of "This obviously isn't working out for either of us. No hard feelings but let's end this now and not contact each other again." He will likely then bombard you with messages. Mute his chat and ignore him. I bet some of your panic attacks were linked to him. Interesting that you had a couple just before meeting him. I once had a counsellor say that panic attacks are hidden emotions trying to get out somehow. After years of counselling that turned out to be true for me, and eventually I learnt to recognise what it was I was actually feeling underneath the panic. Once I recognised this, the panic attacks petered out and eventually stopped. You sound really strong and independent and hopefully the CBT will help you.

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

I think that's the worst bit he was one of my closest friends and we been through so much over the years. So it's the shock of it all.

[IncompleteSenten]

He blocked you to punish you
When he unblocked you, you were supposed to message him apologising and begging for forgiveness.

When you don't contact him, I expect he'll message you to try to manipulate you some more.

[roarfeckingroarr]

He sounds awful. Hard work, jealous, mean.

[Aprilx]

Well he does sound like hard work, but then you don’t sound like you are being fair on him either. If somebody I had been dating for six months basically had little time for me and then told me I was messaging too much because I message a few times a day, well I would be out too, because it’s just crumbs. But I would hope I would do it in a more grown up way than he did.

[Ladylout]

I feel for you. Its very hard when it is someone you THINK you know, it's much harder to accept that they really weren't what they appeared to be. But the sooner you mentally come to terms with that, the sooner you will be free of him.

[LilyLocket123]

.

[Thornethorn]

Highly manipulative, insecure, controlling person. Don't continue with this.

[Inthesameboatatmo]

Be glad he's blocked you. Do the same to him on everything and never have contact with him again. He's dangerous op

[Hungryalligatorslikeyummycake]

Yes he's text asking how I am now.

I was making time. I was meeting once a week minimum and booking time to spend with him. Just when every conversation involves an ex and being ignored after a set time every date night to speak to family members it's hard to still feel enthusiastic about talking.