DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

He wasn’t even upset over something serious and he choked you! He doesn’t even seem that bothered either. Leave and be careful about it. You are most at risk when you are preparing to leave.

Please, please report this to the police. Even if you choose not to pursue it, please make sure they know you're at risk.

Refuge is a brilliant organisation and has so much info and support about your options, what constitutes abuse and how to go about leaving the relationship safely:

www.refuge.org.uk/

it REALLY doesn't matter how the last 10 years have been.

As of 2 weeks ago you know he does not control his anger well enough not to strangle you. He could have killed you then... that he asked you to be violent back is just ludicrous and equally scary! He knew he had gone too far and wanted to have defence wounds so he could blame you!

And his apology was for your response, not his actions.

You have been very lucky, he didn't kill you. I don't know how much more clearly this can be said, he is a danger to you.

Please, get some real life help and get him out of your life.

I know everyone here is alerting you, and it must be scary for you to wake up to what has happened. There may be a part of you that wants to bury it. However, like others have said, choking is one of the most serious forms of domestic violence as it signals murderous intent in that moment, and is therefore taken very seriously by the police usually.

This is the biggest red flag that there is.

You need to leave ASAP. Go to a woman's refuge. Does he suffer with his mental health? A friend of mine's partner of 10 years choked her. She passed out he ran out the house. She somehow managed to ring an ambulance when she came round. Hospital said a few more seconds and she would have been dead.

She didn't want to press charges but police did. He wasn't jailed because of his mental health. He had to pay comp, court costs, do unpaid work and do an anger management course.

There has been cases where behaviour was out of character and they had a brain tumour. Because it was on a certain part of the brain. It caused them to behave like that.

Thank you for all your kind messages. This has really shaken me so much. I have contacted a counsellor and I am going to plan what to do. I want to stay as I love him but my stomach is in knots as I just don't know if this is going to happen again. I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong. I know I have to plan carefully what my next move will be. At the moment he thinks I have forgiven him and everything is normal

OP sending you my very best. You are stronger than you know.

I know that advice is only to support and never to tell a woman suffering dv what to do, but please. Please make sure that you also get your daughter out.

Women's Aid can help you, Refuge can help, the police, social services, any number of women can, will and are ready to help.

Bon courage.

I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology

F that. He will kill you next time.

What is wrong with you? Why are you still there? What if he does this to your daughter as well?

You need to leave ASAP.

You just described attempted murder.

your husband has tried to kill you.

I am concerned that he asked you to slap him - presumably so he had something to fall back on if you called police - and that he checked your neck.

Have you told anyone?

Please report him to the police.

A very powerful post and hopefully enough to make the op gtfo

I want to stay as I love him

Wake up. He doesn't love you.

Every day you stay is another day you are at risk of being strangled.

I know it's scary but you really need to end this.

I think it is very sensible to make plans but keep them under wraps. Violent men become most dangerous when women leave.

I'm so very sorry. All I can say is that many of us have been there - there is a whole other world out there. x

You didn't do anything wrong.

he is a dangerous man.

love is irrelevant unless you actually want to be killed by him.

I think this is the very first thread on mumsnet where everyone has agreed.

Please leave him or he will kill you. He sounds like he loses the plot when he's enraged.

Statistically, once a man puts his hands around a woman’s throat, it is the biggest predictor that he will go on to kill you. You a married to a highly abusive and dangerous male.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You must have been terrified, and still scared and traumatised now.

Please take on board people's pleas here and leave as soon as it is safe to do so, reporting him to the police at the same time.

You must have seen the increase in media stories over recent times of women murdered by choking, by men - usually their partner. Choking is seen as a real indication of a mans increasing violence level.

Take your safety seriously. Get yourself and your daughter away from this man before you too become another statistic and tabloid story we weep over. Good luck, be strong.

and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him

What?
So you live on eggshells so he doesnt get angry?
You need to leave now
Right now

I'm very alarmed and sad to see that you really don't realise that you need to leave that house right now. He flips like a switch and he is going to kill you.

Listen to everyone yelling you, you could be dead

You walk on eggshells and wonder what you did to provoke him

He’s violent, abusive and breaking the law. Call the police, report him and get away asap

Telling you!

@Ana0404
Very telling that you write in your update about trying your best not to do anything to upset him. A clear indicator of just how vulnerable you really were before this chilling act of violence upon you.

what he did to you is attempted murder
you don’t have a choice you just leave or else just stay and wait for the time - and it will come - that he actually does kill you.

as a mother my greatest fear was and is something awful would happen to me and I wouldn’t be there to see my precious children grow up. Of course there is always a risk that could happen but in this situation - as there was mine - there was a real chance that this could happen.

I hope so much that you are able to start the process to leave and do it as soon as possible.

OP you must leave him, if you don’t he will continue to escalate this until he kills your or almost kills you.

He’s really messed with your head and ground you down for you to comfort him after he strangled you! Do you realised how messed up that is? He tried to kill you and you comforted him?

My SIL’s ex used to “just” throw things around and shove her when they argued, then one day he flipped and punched her repeatedly, dragged her out the house and stamped on her head numerous times, he left her for dead in the street at 2am, she’s lucky to be alive. Please please leave, for your sake and your daughter’s.

First time won’t be the last time. He will push you more, he will hurt you more, and staying will teach your daughter that it’s tolerable to be treated so appallingly. If her partner did this to her, how would you want her to react? To stay and see if he grew nicer and kinder? I bet you’d want him out of her life for ever, NO second chances, no opportunity to kill her. Get out now, and show her that no woman should ever be hurt, threatened or abused by any man, family or otherwise.

You cannot stay. He strangled you and then self harmed and was pushing you to hit him to legitimise what he had done. He is unstable and a danger to you and your child. He has shown he can do significant harm to either of you for no reason whatsoever.

you need womens aid, police intervention and safety, counselling and support.

you are not safe.

I want to stay as I love him

But he doesn’t love you.

Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t even like you, let alone doesn’t love you.

You deserve better and you deserve to find someone who loves you just as much as you love them.