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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH choked me during fight

357 replies

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

OP posts:
LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 27/07/2022 15:41

I don't know if a slow move is best given the circs.

If you were my sister or a friend, I'd be telling you to take action now! Phone WA or police and work out the details later. That's what I would tell you.

Another week or a month or two and another strangling session. Not worth chancing.

Sorry OP this isn't just your average DV.

He choked you, and you ought to go and put your safety first. Poverty etc can be worked out later. It's scary.

But it shouldn't be as scary as staying another day.

I'm sorry.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 27/07/2022 15:46

Another one saying women’s aid. They are very good at helping with a plan, as there is a bit to think about. As he has choked you, this is very high end risk, so you are better off not trying to plan yourself and get help. Make sure your first contact with them is not traceable by him, so phone outside the house or using private browser or another computer at work. Then follow their advice.

There is always a way out. You don’t even have to think of this as the ultimate decision, as your feelings of love may not allow that - think of this as an emergency separation of safety and don’t think more of it than that. It takes time to learn and process this, don’t try to do it all at one.

First step - women’s aid.
Next step - plan
Next step - separate physically with the plan
The rest you can take day by day…

layladomino · 27/07/2022 18:20

I know you've had lots of messages and I don't know if one more will make any difference, but I can't just read and run.

This man is dangerous. If you stay with him there is a high rish he will kill you, or seriously harm you. Your daughter would be left without her mum. She may herself be at risk.

Think about it - if he wasn't in control of his actions then he could do it again to you or even your daughter, with no warning. If he was in control then he chose to do it to you.

Noone who loves you would do that. You don't push people you love. You don't choke them. Even his 'apology' was very delayed and half-hearted.

You should have to live with someone who you have to be careful around, manage their mood, walk on egg shells, frightened of upsetting them. That isn't a healthy relationship. It won't get better. It will very likely get worse. Even if it stayed the same, do you want to live like this forever? If it was your daughter in your position what would you want her to do?

Please continue to plan to leave. Don't tell him what you have planned. He is dangerous. He is willing and able to hurt you and worse.

layladomino · 27/07/2022 18:21

That should have said you SHOULDN'T have to live with someone who you have to be careful around.

legosunqueen · 27/07/2022 18:36

@Ana0404 I think waiting to get another job may not happen quickly, you have no control over the timing, please don't wait - seek support from Women's Aid now Flowers

Unforgettablefire · 27/07/2022 20:58

"A lot of people think that it's only scum who become victims"

Wtf?

jakscrakers · 27/07/2022 21:28

you say you love him and would like to sort this but, do you love yourself, do you love your daughter, you owe it to yourself and her to get away from this POS he is dangerous, maybe not on the surface but he proved it once, and if it happened once its there always.
Do not think i need to be financial secure, i need to get this sorted, that sorted i did i was like you, and it got worse and worse. i kept thinking but hes wonderful with out daughter, until i realised she was seeing how he was with me, and i did not want her to think that's how life was supposed to be.
thankfully the night it was the last straw she was fast asleep and i rang the police and he got arrested. What would have happened to my daughter if he has squeezed a bit harder, thumped harder, kicked in a different spot.
please please contact woman's aid just listen to the options for help

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 23:05

Wiccan · 27/07/2022 14:32

I'm not justifying it . I'm just telling my own experience I just decided not to give you every last detail of my situation. After us both going through counselling together and removing alcohol from the situation it stopped.

What stopped?

What's "it"?

You appear to have been in a fundamentally different situation from the op, yet are posting as though they are comparable, with frankly dangerous suggestions of counselling together, and working through it together.

But the violence in this situation is not joint, not together; its him against her. Most recently strangulation that could have injured or killed her, followed by an instant attempt to stage damage/self defence injuries on himself.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 23:12

I don't believe all men should be classed as killers because of a one off altercation.

It's not a one off, and it wasnt an "altercation".

He has a history of being physically aggressive (pushing/shoving op) and of classic dv non contact violence/aggression like throwing/smashing stuff.

An altercation implies two way aggression, violence etc. This was not two way, this was an assault.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 23:20

It's particularly horrible that he was urging you to hit him back; that is a real giveaway he was sexually turned on by throttling you and seeking some sadomasochist sex fantasy. Bet he's been watching BDSM or rape porn.

Op didn't mention anything about sex before, during or after. He didn't urge her to hit him back because strangling op aroused him; it was because he realised he'd strangled her (after "only" pushing her before), and had left marks (or at the very least suspected there would be marks, and he was trying to get marks and scratches on his face in case the police etc ended up involved. That's why he started hotting himself when op wouldn't.

He was desperate to make it look like two way violence.... I suspect op is not the first person he's ever risked landing in a cop shop due to his behaviour.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 23:24

(He was hoping she'd be angry enough to hit him when urged, but she's clearly not cause of it, so he switched to hitting himself).

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 23:25

*not capable of it

Completelyovernonsense · 28/07/2022 04:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2022 09:04

OP what's your housing situation, in your name/joint names etc? Can you ask him to leave? It's too dangerous to continue living with him.

Adelishious · 28/07/2022 09:58

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Herejustforthisone · 28/07/2022 10:06

There's zero evidence for that, and we know that while it does happen, it's extremely unlikely.

This is a contradictory statement. And pointing out a clear escalation in male aggression is not ‘dramatics’.

LilyMarshall · 28/07/2022 10:25

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There is nit zero evidence for that at all. Chocking is a whole new ball game of aggression. What is your job that you are certain there is zero evidence chocking massively increases your chance of being killedd?

Tiani4 · 28/07/2022 10:41

He was hitting himself in the face to put marks on himself - so it would look like self defence
He told you to hit him so that you would have marks on your knuckles

Do not underestimate how manipulative domestic abuse perpetrators are

You must leave

You just report him to the police

He could attack your DD next, she is almost fully grown woman

He could kill you or your DD

He is not sorry

If he was he would feel ashamed & scared for you that he'd strangled you, he would book himself immediately on a domestic abuse perpetrators course (not individual normal therapist as that does not work with perpetrators). He would never ever drink again. He's done none of that.

He is not sorry. He is hoping you'll forget it and he won't be prosecuted. He's done a right number on you if you ended up hugging him to protect him after he had choked you

Go to the police now

There may not be any coming back from "next time" and there will be a next time. I'm really scared for you OP

Tiani4 · 28/07/2022 10:46

@Adelishious
You don't know what you're talking about at all

Some of us work with domestic abuse
Choking someone or putting g hands around someone's neck is a clear red flag high risk indicator that they will go on to kill their partner

It's not dramatics, it's research and it's fact. It's in the DASH screening tool that is used in assessing risk by police and MARAC

cestlavielife · 28/07/2022 10:50

LilyMarshall · 28/07/2022 10:25

There is nit zero evidence for that at all. Chocking is a whole new ball game of aggression. What is your job that you are certain there is zero evidence chocking massively increases your chance of being killedd?

Show quote history

It s choke

Important to repoirt to police correctly
inventingrealityeditingservice.typepad.com/inventing_reality_editing/2015/01/a-block-of-better-grammar-chock-vs-choke.html

wellhelloitsme · 28/07/2022 10:57

@Adelishious

A quick Google would have stopped you looking like an apologist / fool. Statistics absolutely do back up the risk factor people have reiterated on here.

Prior non-fatal strangulation was associated with greater than six-fold odds (OR 6.70, 95% CI 3.91–11.49) of becoming an attempted homicide, and over seven-fold odds (OR 7.48, 95% CI 4.53–12.35) of becoming a completed homicide.

These results show non-fatal strangulation as an important risk factor for homicide of women, underscoring the need to screen for non-fatal strangulation when assessing abused women in emergency department settings.
(www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/)

Adelishious · 28/07/2022 12:44

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LooseGoose22 · 28/07/2022 12:52

I totally accept that there may be 7 times the likelyhood of an attempt on a partners life with prior strangulation as a factor. However, my point still stands. If someone were to say that this week they have a very high, almost certain chance of winning the lottery because they'd bought 7 tickets you'd think they'd gone completely bonkers.

What percentage increase do you think buying 7 lottery tickets would have on the chance of you winning you lottery?

Your posts are mind boggling.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 28/07/2022 12:54

Erm. That's not how stats work.

Stop minimising this. OP needs to be supported in making her plans to leave, as quickly as possible.

What do you think you are offering her? Telling her that the fact he has tried to strangle her is not much to worry about is ridiculous.

The only good advice includes signposting to real life support, which has been given.

LooseGoose22 · 28/07/2022 13:00

It's in the DASH screening tool that is used in assessing risk by police and MARAC

It's OK, we got a Adelicious, with her superb grasp of statistics and odds, to correct the police and Marac in their foolishness.