DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

Tell your GP and then tell the police. Do not tell him you are reporting it. Make plans to get out, do not tell him this either.

You are in danger, he has been escalating and this attack could have killed you. How do you think your daughter will feel if the next attack does kill you?

Do not make or accept excuses for his abusive behaviour.

You're not sure what to do and that's understandable. 10 years is a long time to have a partner and your lives are entwined and there is love and there has been love in that time. There are also shared memories, goals, finances, home, bed, friends, dreams.

Statistically, strangulation is an indicator of his potential to murder. It's one of the biggest indicators.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. You need to decide for you what is right. You can do anything you like.

Ask yourself a few questions:
Can I leave him?
Do I want to leave him?
What might prevent me from leaving him?
Have I altered my personality or my behaviour to placate him?
Am I happy?
What will happen if I stay?
What will happen if I leave?

When you've answered those questions, if your decision is to stay, please do so with caution. If however, you feel that you wish to leave the relationship, I would do so while exercising extreme caution and preferably with advice from an organisation such as Women's Aid and/or police. The reason for that is because 1. strangulation is a strong indicator of potential to murder and 2. the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she tries to leave and soon thereafter.

I wish you the best in your decision making.

Jesus OP

Get you and your daughter out. NOW

My ex slapped me once.

I forgave him. Because he was stressed and eventually sorry.

The next time he laid a hand on me, he rearranged my face and gave me a proper hiding. When I tried to defend myself, he put his hands round my neck and left me for dead. I’m not sure what made him stop short. I’m not sure if he even knew I was clinging on. Just.

I didn’t recognise him during it. Weird though it might sound, I didn’t see the face I knew.

I left as soon as I was physically able. I couldn’t take the chance that he would stop the next time. I couldn’t take the chance he’d come back and still be angry.

It isn’t about being sorry. I know that now.

Your dh isn’t sorry. He took two weeks to be sorry.

Choking isn’t a lesson. It isn’t a tool to keep someone in line. When done in anger it is primal. With one purpose.

You're very lucky to be alive to tell us this. No thanks to him. Next time he could easily kill you. Or your daughter. You need to get out. Whether you do it with or without the police is your choice, but you must get you and your daughter out of there. Whilst you can.

I thought the same as above. There's nothing stopping him from choking your DD in a rage. She's just another vunerable female wandering around near a ticking time bomb. There's nothing stopping him from killing you if you don't leave. He CHOKED you because he was in a bad mood. You and your daughter are in massive danger.

In case you don't know, choking is now an offence on its own and carries a punishment of up to years in prison.
This is a clear pattern of escalation here and you need to get away from him what ever you do.

Sorry. Up to 5 years.

I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped.

This is honestly chilling to me. I hope you hear what people are saying.

As someone who has been there I just want you to know they will never change. It will happen again and he could have easily killed you. Check out the freedom programme (Google it, it's online now) when you are able to safely do so. I didn't realise all the ways I was being abused and manipulated before I read it.

Please listen to the messages on here OP and leave him.

You need to protect yourself and your daughter. If you stay, this situation will only get worse and you are risking your and your daughter's lives.

In the arena of domestic violence, choking is the biggest red flag there is in the run up to murder.

Not hitting
Not threatening to kill someone
Choking.

Think about that OP.

He attempted to kill you.

Have you any idea at all of the grief and misery your death would cause your daughter.

She is at risk every day she lives with him too.

I actually cannot believe you would put your child and yourself at risk like this.

Go to the police and report his attempted strangulation of you.

Why have you so little value for your childs life and your own.

You are on borrowed time.

I can somewhat understand why you’re still there a couple of weeks after the incident. I’ve been in your position. I left after the 4th time. If you’re daughter had written your post what would you be saying to her.
if you don’t have the strength to report him then please find the strength to save yourselves.

I accepted my Ex's apology after the first time and he did it again and again and again and each time it got worse he even stabbed me with a kitchen knife and i still stayed until i finally found the courage to leave him and if i hadnt then i most likely wouldnt be here writing this today please leave it is hard but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your daughter.

Choking is a strange word. It terrifies us when kids choke on a bit of apple, but some women think it's a normal sexual practice. What it actually is, particularly here, @Ana0404 is strangulation. Your partner tried to strangle you. Strangling kills people and is very rarely a one off. It escalates. It's a step to murder. Your DD is so young, please don't let her lose her mother. Wait til it's safe, and run. You are both at terrible risk. Don't minimise it.

Oh, and he wanted you to hit him so that if you called the police he could pretend he was only defending himself.

Him asking you to hit him - making sure that he could claim self-defence - is a sure sign that he new what he did.
GET AWAY.

Please don't ignore this - PPs aren't exaggerating when they say he could kill you next time. Once a man has put his hands round your neck, your risk of death is sevenfold. Please look up Laura Richards (also goes by her podcast name Crime Analyst) - she's former police and is a women's advocate for stalking and domestic violence - she has raised so much awareness around this topic (in fact her latest episode on Real Crime Profile briefly talks about this exact issue).

Run for the hills.

I was a character witness at a murder trial of a nice family man who had tried to strangled his wife once. The next time he suffocated his three children in front of her before killing her. He then went to his Mum's for a pre planned break for two weeks. No one believed he could do it. He did. I remember his wife saying he would be very really hurt me as he loves the kids too much.

I think every single message has said the same thing here, and it's not often that MN unites like this.

This is serious, OP. Don't minimise or excuse what he did to you.

Please set your DD the best example and get out. Don't let her think that living with a monster is normal or OK.

It’s a recognised part of a pattern of escalation. It’s so indicative of something worse coming it’s actually studied and demonstrated. You need to leave. Not saying sorry is also a very poor sign. He’s managed to rationalise it or minimise it in some level. Looking for marks also so awful. They normally do as much as they can get away with. They don’t ‘lose control’ it’s often very controlled actually. And you are ‘lucky’ according to their logic that it wasn’t worse.

OP you can't trust him anymore. He's no longer rational. I'm so sorry.