DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

I want to stay as I love him do you really think this is love?
my stomach is in knots as I just don't know if this is going to happen again do you really think live ought to be like that, always fearing the one above you in the food chain?
I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him this is a valuable kind of behaviour in a prisoners camp or hostage situation. but in a partnership?

It will happen again. It always does. Always. And next time you may actually die because it's pure luck that he didn't kill you this time. So you need to ask yourself if you love this man enough to literally die in order to be with him.

You know it's not normal to have to think about what you're saying to your partner on a day to day basis to make sure he doesn't get upset?

It's not normal for a partner to try and kill you because he's in a bad mood.

But you're teaching your daughter that these things are normal, if nothing else leave for her.

He was trying to kill you. Had he succeeded you would be dead. Get out now and report to the police. Your husband is a man who attempted murder.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. Please do take a look at our Domestic
Violence page - www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence - as there is information to help you decide what to do next and how to get the support to take the necessary step to ensure that you and your DD are safe.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Research on non fatal strangulation as a predictor of further intimate partner violence, including murder

non fatal strangulation is a huge, huge red flag and women who have experienced non fatal strangulation by a partner are more likely to be murdered by their partner than women who have experienced other forms abuse.

non fatal strangulation is now a stand alone offence because it’s seriousness and the link to escalating violence has been recognised.

very seriously consider your own safety and that of your daughter.

"He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this."
So he's escalating. He got you used to the 'small' stuff and got away with it, and now he's emboldened to strangle you.

"I just don't know if this is going to happen again."
Of one thing you can be sure - it will happen again. It's a 'when' not an 'if'. He's escalating.

"I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him"
That tells me that he you're already walking on eggshells :( and that he is regularly abusive and scary.

"I want to stay as I love him"
So? He'll still kill you. Or your daughter.

You know that you need to leave and get you and your DD to safety. He needs to be in jail.

Massive escalation.

It doesnt matter if you still love him at the moment. Hes shown you he can lose it and he actually attempted to kill you there. He tried to kill you. Thats not a slap or a push, which is bad enough. If you stay then youd be a mug, but if you actually would have him around your daughter, then thats worse than a mug.
Get your shit together and leave

This is so upsetting. Please leave him.
The way you said

I made sure I hadn’t said anything in the day to upset him

speaks volumes too. You are scared of him and you must leave. Another life is waiting for you and your daughter. Don’t risk your lives to stay.

Wake up op, this is not a game, you and your daughter are in danger. If you can't leave for you , then do it for your daughter who doesn't deserve what's coming her way if you stay.

He was out of control and crossed a line. It won't be the last time, you need to leave.

You can't live like this OP every day trying not to upset him. Well you can live like this but it's not a life and you won't live very long.

He tried to kill you. This man that you love, he tried to kill you. If he had continued for just another minute or so you would be dead now. Your daughter would be without her mother. Can you imagine that? You could be dead in just a few minutes if you stay with him.

Does he work? In that case tomorrow when he is at work pack your most important things (passports, mobile, really just essentials), take your daughter and leave. I'm not sure where to. Maybe first to the police as they would able to advise you on what to do next.

Your relationship with this man is over. The only question is if you make it out alive or not.

It doesn’t matter about the length of time between incidents only that it’s an escalation as pp said. So sorry op but you need to leave.

I very rarely post but I read your OP and I couldn’t not post. Please please leave this abusive, unhealthy and miserable relationship and give yourself and your precious daughter the chance to enjoy a better life. I know it is so easy for everyone here to say and must feel impossible to you but it isn’t, it’s perfectly possible and literally the only right decision. This man is abusive, controlling and highly dangerous. Take back control and show your daughter that no man should ever treat a woman like this. Full stop.
Just imagine waking up tomorrow just you and your daughter. No walking on egg shells, no threat of violence and abuse - just a whole world of possibilities and the chance to be truly happy and free.

He is incredibly unhinged and dangerous. You must see that? All the best x

I’m so sorry you have experienced this, I was in an extremely violent relationship and went on to work for women’s aid.
When we had women referred to us, it was all taken very seriously, I hope this makes sense but if you imagine there was a ‘scale’ of experiences to date, the minute there was disclosure of choking, hands around the throat etc the risk went straight to the top of the list and was flagged as the most serious risk there is.
please keep yourself save, you may think you love him but I bet when you’re away from him for good you will look back and realise all the other abusive behaviours he has shown.
Your daughter will also know more than you think she does.
good luck op, please listen to the advice on here x

What’s important now is not to tell him you are leaving. That’s when you are most at risk.

This ^ in spades and spades OP - I am guessing you didn’t expect the barrage of unequivocal responses you have had.

Hear this - no one on here is being overly dramatic when they say you must LEAVE. You must leave in an organised way - you must seek immediate support for yourself and your child. You must get the ball rolling ASAP. You must file a report to the Police and stress you do not want your husband informed, then you must contact Counsellor, women’s refuge, friends, family.

Do not waste your love and your lovely self on this man. Things will get worse at some point and you will be left wishing you’d acted far sooner. I’ve been there.

Sending hugs OP 🌼🌸🌺💐

"Made sure I hadn't said anything to annoy him" - that right there is a sign that you're being abused. Conditioning your behaviour to please someone else for fear of their reaction is a classic sign of domestic abuse.

Get out, OP. As quickly and safely as you can. This is only going to get worse.

Sounds like if you are trying hard not to annoy him then it's more than just a random physical attack. Call Women's aid and get advice from them and be honest with yourself about whether he emotionally abuses you or controls you with his temper. Strangulation is a separate offence now isn't it? If you called the police they will speak to him and it will shake him up. It sounds like he doesn't know or care how serious what he did was.

Seconding anyone who has mentioned Prof Jane Monckton Smith's 8 step pathway from domestic abuse to killing.

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/feb/21/jane-monckton-smith-in-control-domestic-abuse-murder-public-protection

www.bbc.com/news/uk-49481998

Non-fatal strangling is a marker of escalation and a risk factor for homicide.

www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/all-abusers-are-not-equal-new-ipv-research-reveals-an-indicator-of-deadly-abuse/

OP please leave for your daughter's sake as well as your own. Someone I was at school with was murdered by her partner. Shortly afterwards her teenage daughter committed suicide.

I just don't know if this is going to happen again

You might not be sure, we're all 100% certain.

Another one here who wishes I left last time that happened. It only gets worse. Things like this just destroy any chance of a healthy relationship. Even when mine tried to be better I just couldn't get over things like this. It stops you loving him. He needs help alone for his own sake. That isn’t your mess.