DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

Whatever your personal view about DV (and, frankly, there's been a few fairly horrifying ones on here), the only responsible option is to encourage the OP to seek help.

We really shouldn't be twisting statistics to minimise the danger she's in. Her partner stopped this time, but she may not be so fortunate next time. It's a serious topic and I don't think it's a good time to discuss diversionary topics such as lottery odds.

I think LTB is over-used on MN but it's the only option here. Please reach out to one of the support groups for help. Your life, and your daughter's, are more important than waiting until you're financially secure.

@Adelishious

I totally accept that there may be 7 times the likelyhood of an attempt on a partners life with prior strangulation as a factor. However, my point still stands. If someone were to say that this week they have a very high, almost certain chance of winning the lottery because they'd bought 7 tickets you'd think they'd gone completely bonkers.

Re your lottery analogy, that isn't how statistics work... especially as 70% of over 18s in the UK play the lottery and barely any are "winning the lottery" even once.

Whereas two women a week are killed by a current or previous partner in the UK.

Two women a week. Every week.

And research shows that the women who are murdered are seven times more likely than other victims to have been strangled by their murderer than other victims.

You said there's "zero evidence" he is likely to go on to kill her and hopefully now concede you were wrong. You said it was "extremely unlikely" and again hopefully now concede you were wrong.

It's a huge marker for pre empting murder, so much so that the law in England and Wales is being updated to give sentences specifically to address the issue of non fatal strangulation to try to prevent both fatal and non fatal strangulation.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/strangulation-and-suffocation

"strangulation and asphyxiation were the second most common method of killing in female homicides - 29% or 17% - as compared to only 3% of male homicides. Non-fatal strangulation offences were significantly under-charged across the UK notwithstanding they were recognised as a common feature of domestic abuse and were a well-known risk indicator. Strangulation was also difficult to prosecute, given there was often no or very few physical marks. In some case, it was not prosecuted at all."

What OP's partner has done is a criminal offence that can result in up to five years in prison.

Minimising it by saying it isn't that likely he'll go on to kill her and that people are exaggerating how dangerous it is is frankly bizarre and I'm not sure who you think it's benefitting.

@Adelishious

I refuse to reiterate a misleading lie that many people have picked up and seem to enjoy running with, despite the evidence being to the contrary. I'm in no way, shape, or form in favor of any DV occurring, i shouldn't have to agree to make things up to in order for people to understand that.

What's the misleading lie please?

What's the "evidence to the contrary" please?

You're saying there's evidence that women previously strangled by their partners aren't more likely to be murdered than women who haven't?

That fact isn't a "misleading lie" it's literally a fact.

Sorry your thread has been derailed OP.

I know it's easy to minimise violence when it's being committed against you as to accept how bad it is means you need to make some huge and scary steps. People are just trying to reiterate what a predictor of future behaviour strangling is.

My ex did this. I rang the police, he was arrested and never stepped foot in the house again. He blamed it on a mental breakdown, which I do believe tbh, however any sort of physical violence is a dealbreaker for me. We have dc and it happened whilst they were in the house

Glad you got out, TooHot.

Christ it really is true what people say about certain posters on mumsnet they really are like a pack of wolves when someone has a different opinion and not even an opinion , just telling our own experiences, Not telling the OP or anyone what to do or judging them , just our own experiences to show empathy.

Please stop judging and labeling people you do not know !!!!

I hope you are ok OP, cover your tracks and plan your getaway quickly.

Women's aid and Refuge & NDA helpline can find you and DD a place at a refuge and support you to claim benefits and housing. This is the one time you should trust the professionals , please report it to police and please get out safely. The police will believe you, Womens aid Refuge and NDA helpline will believe you and will support you

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/