DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

Get rid of him now. He could have killed you. Leave. This is beyond shocking.

This.

Also please read this: amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/14/gabby-petito-wyoming-strangulation-domestic-violence

I’m sorry that both of you went through this.

Exactly what I feared: "it won't happen to me"

Good luck. I sincerely hope that you are one of the lucky ones. I also sincerely hope that you can wake up to the danger you are in, get out and seriously raise your standards.

Read your posts again op and see them with our eyes. You spent all day trying not to say anything to him that would trigger him.... Thats not a normal or healthy relationship, that's abusive. You are blaming yourself and looking for something you did wrong.... even if you had called him something awful there is NO reason good enough to choke you. You are massively minimising what he did. Statistically a man that chokes a woman is much MUCH more likely to kill her. Thats a fact. You need to call the police, womens aid and get the hell out of there. Think about your daughter, what would she want you to do? What would you want her to do if she was in tje same position? I wish you all the best.

You may feel you love him but he doesn't love you. People who love their partner don't throw things in a heated moment and they don't choke them either.

He may have MH issues or a personality disorder or one of the many things that might lead up to this type of behaviour but either way it is not your responsibility to fix hix him, so I wouldn't be staying around to help him either.

Think about what you would advise your daughter to do in the same situation.

Telling posters their (hopefully soon to be ex) partner/spouse doesbt love them is not actually helpful.

Especially while he will be saying he does, with more earnestness than at any time (when he suspects she might leave or is trying to get forgiveness and acceptance of a latest incident of violence on his part).

It also hits an op's self esteem, makes makes even more down, feeling like a failure etc. So still saying it.

What's truer is that he may think he loves the op , he may even "love" the op .... but when someone is an abuser, let alone a violent abuser it doesn't matter. It didn't matter whether he loves them or not, or times he loves them or not. he's not fit for a relationship.

*So stop saying it

Never mind you 'love him'. Do you love your daughter at all? If so LEAVE now with her for god's sake.

I hope he doesn't murder your daughter while you're at counselling.

A lot of posters on here are talking about the not breathing aspect and it is important but it's the snapping of the bones of the neck and larynx that you are equally at risk of dying from. Look at the atlas and axis bones of the neck online. They are very fragile. If they snap and you get instant medical attention, you could survive but you are more likely to be thrown back down onto a bed, the floor or into a corner after and that is what is likely to kill you.

I was choked by an ex. I left immediately. I wish now I had called the police.

Op, you'd be advised to leave even if this waa an out of the blue attack with no build up/background.

But it's not. You've said he's pushed you, more than once by the sounds of it .... that is domestic violence. You shouldn't bd being pushed in your home by anyone, let alone a larger, stronger person. Even a push could result in a bad injury or worse, if you hot something or fell.

The throwing things is another typical domestic violence behaviour. It says "I'm going to damage/destroy this object ...youre lucky it's not you, but it could be you. I'm a big, powerful, angry being and I can do this, I "can't" control my anger & aggression".
Does he throw things that he values highly? Does his favourite/previous stuff ever get damaged?

So there's a history of this - which you shouldn't have ever been subjected to (let alone your teenage daughter if she witnessed any of it) and now he's escalated to even worse.

and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him

This struck me, you are living your life trying not to annoy your husband because you are afraid of him. You must not forgive him for this. He is dangerous. I'm sorry you are going through this but you must get yourself and your daughter away from him.

The other thing is the hitting himself and urging you to hit him.

At very best (!) it means he's unstable.

At worse, and most likely, he was trying tk get you to injured him or to make injuries on himself to blame you for if you (or anyone else) called the police.

That is very very calculated and sinister. He was instantly thinking about how to frame you and try to make it look two way how to get away with it .. even drunk, that's how calculating and self serving he is.

There is nothing to stop this happening again. Nothing at all. And in the heat of the moment, this is how your partner behaves. And he will do it again. No doubt about it. But next time he may leave your child without a mother. For the sake of your child and yourself you need to get out. There's no coming back from this. Report this abuser now. The police can help you and your child find somewhere safe to go until he is dealt with. Please do it for your child even if you won't do it for you.

Alcohol just brings out qhats in there, lowers inhibitions so people do what they're inclined to do. Even if he stopped drinking (which most people would not do successfully) he's still the sane person underneath. And that is a person who is OK with assaulting their smaller, weaker partner (the pushing), breaking stuff in their home and creating an atmosphere of stress, and - on thus occasion, seriously assaulting them in a way which, even accidentally, could kill them. A drunk person is even more unaware of thru strength, pf the pressure they're using than a sober one.

His first thought and action after strangling you was self preservation- not your welfare - self preservation.. hence he tried to get you to hit him and/or started hitting himself to try to get some injuries on his face for any possible police visit.

I don't think he even meant "I shouldn’t have done that to you" specifically, more "I shouldn't have done that because I could get in serious trouble for it, if police are called our, and I may have left bruises on her neck". Incriminating bruises.

So I better get some marks on me to make it look two way , like "self defence".

I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him

Oh, @Ana0404 this is so bloody sad. How long have you been walking on those eggshells? I hope you woke up this morning determined to be gone as quickly as possible.

I have been in your situation.
it only continues to escalate.

get out now while you can.

we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.

Oh, @Ana0404 - you shouldn't have to be like this in your own home, with a man who is supposed to care about you. Can't you see how you are creeping about like a mouse trying not to attract the attention of a cat? Your life must be hell - never knowing if he is going to flip over nothing - or at least over nothing that you areaway of.

You say you love him - you don't. You love the man you thought he was, the man you think he could be if you can only love him enough - YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE HIM ENOUGH.

He won't change no matter how much affection and care you shower on him because HE DOESN'T WANT TO. If he cared he wouldn't do this. If he really couldn't control his temper (he can - does he do this in front of family? neighbours? anyone? - I'll bet not) he would get help with it.

Perhaps things happen at work that upset him - but he doesn't address the situation with the people involved - he comes home and attacks you.

Perhaps he is just a bully - who knows? Whatever it is YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE IN DANGER.

I'm sorry for "shouting", but you really, really don't seem to appreciate how very dangerous this man is. Think of your DD, even if you are prepared to suffer this yourself - don't put her through this distress and fear. And don't teach her to accept abuse, because that is what you are doing.

This is really serious

I'd recommend you contact Womens Aid for advice

And, be aware that when a woman leaves / tries to leave, is one of the most dangerous times. Probably best / safest to do that with support from professionals eg refuge accommodation

It's an extremely example but his train of of (and remains actions) straight after he strangled you reminds me of a case in my hometown, when a domestic abuser (or course there'd been a build up, there rarely isn't) set up a fake crime scene after he murdered his wife. It was the 80s and people still used open pans to fry chips etc. He (and you have to wonder at his intellect) set up a scene trying to make it look like his wife had been seriously injured and died on a domestic accident involving burning oil. I think he'd strangled her or broken her neck and the post mortem established that and he did time. Note, he did time he's probably out abd living his life now. She however, is not.

But hid priority was self preservation and faking a crime scene. And your h's priority, even drunk, was also self preservation and faking a "crime scene" (injuries to his face).

It took 2 wks to get a grudging apology, this is an escalation of existing behaviour , do you think he's not really "like this"; he is. There is clearly something very skewed, very fucked up, very entitled, very nasty behind his front.

*It's an extreme example but his train of thought ..

The getting you to hit him thing is just a way of seeking justification.

In his mind: I strangled her, she hit me back

So we're even.

No. Your actions are not even or anywhere near equivalent and the situation will never be. EVER.

His violence can result in your death.

Anything you do that upsets him is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the same ballpark.

Him getting you to do some violence to him in retaliation is not a justification of anything and actually is an attempt to get you to accept violence as an ongoing and reciprocal element of your relationship.

You don't want to be pulled into his way of dysfunctional thinking. You want out. You need a healthy relationship.

You say you love him - you don't. You love the man you thought he was, the man you think he could be

This too.

But he's not that man.

He's an abuser.

He's dangerous

It doesn't matter that it's not all the time it's never all the time; how many women would stay if it was.

Him getting you to do some violence to him in retaliation is not a justification of anything and actually is an attempt to get you to accept violence as an ongoing and reciprocal element of your relationship.

That's 1 ressjn for it, but the main one, imho is that he knew he was in the shot if op (or someone else) reported the strangulation... there may gave already been marks on ops neck, there may not have been but he knew there might end up being bruises in time ..... and he was trying to set up the "evidence" of a two way fight, of his actions being self defence.

(I actually have a feeling this is not his first rodeo and he may have ended up dealing with the police for similar before).

*That's 1 reason for it, but the main one, imho is that he knew he was in the shit if op (or someone else) reported the strangulation...

Oh op, the fact you said that you made sure you didn’t upset him that day suggests you often have to modify your behaviour to keep him happy and not anger him, that in itself is very telling.

I know it’s hard, I know you love him, but this is a man who attempted to kill you. He acted without provocation and you have no idea when something like this, of worse, will happen again. The thing is, once it has happened, the likelihood of a recurrence is very high, this sort of behaviour has an escalating pattern. I know you can’t imagine it ever happening again, but you could never have envisaged it happening this time.

You truly need to get yourself and daughter away from this man for both your safety. I wouldn’t tell him anything as that could be very dangerous, but I would make plans to leave immediately. This is not a healthy or happy relationship, you are with a dangerous man.