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Original poster

DH choked me during fight

357 replies

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 08:51

By the way, this is NOT a "fight";

He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me.

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 08:53

Read your posts again op and see them with our eyes. You spent all day trying not to say anything to him that would trigger him.... Thats not a normal or healthy relationship, that's abusive.

This too.

How much of this is your dd around?

She's going to be affected in her thinking about what is normal in a relationship.

Huntswomanonthemove · 27/07/2022 08:54

On top of him trying to strangle you, this comment is scary. This man is controlling you and next time you don’t say anything to upset him, he will kill you.

I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.

BeeAFreeBird · 27/07/2022 08:55

You’ve got this. Trust yourself. Plan. Find support in the right places (women’s aid).

Sending love x

Devotedcatslave · 27/07/2022 09:04

What would you be saying to your DD if it was her in this relationship with a "lovely man" who strangles her? Because if this continues to be normalised for her, it likely will be in a few years time. I'm sorry OP. I know this thread must be a hard read for you right now, and it is easy for us to tell you to leave, but not easy for you to do. I hope that you are still reading though, and that at some point you can gather the strength to get out.

GrandRapids · 27/07/2022 09:05

So you love him and want to stay with him and will therefore have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life so as not to upset him.

Come on OP. Surely you can see how ridiculous that sounds.

He already has a history of pushing you, now he's ramped up to strangling you. Where do you suppose it's headed next time?

I appreciate this is very difficult for you but you cannot stay with this man. It would just be utter madness to continue. He's not the father of your child thank goodness, you can essentially just walk away from him.

Onlyhuman123 · 27/07/2022 09:34

I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.

Sounds like anything kicks him off. You shouldn't be worrying about your words or actions when around him, that really isn't 'normal'. He's an abusive bully and you must leave him before you or your DD receive worse treatment or he kills either one of you. How terrifying for you. Please get some help and remove him from your life.

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 27/07/2022 09:48

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 08:44

Him getting you to do some violence to him in retaliation is not a justification of anything and actually is an attempt to get you to accept violence as an ongoing and reciprocal element of your relationship.

That's 1 ressjn for it, but the main one, imho is that he knew he was in the shot if op (or someone else) reported the strangulation... there may gave already been marks on ops neck, there may not have been but he knew there might end up being bruises in time ..... and he was trying to set up the "evidence" of a two way fight, of his actions being self defence.

(I actually have a feeling this is not his first rodeo and he may have ended up dealing with the police for similar before).

True fact!

That's seriously manipulative. Run OP.

Dozycuntlaters · 27/07/2022 09:50

I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong

So you have to live your life walking on egg shells making sure you don't upset him. That's a draining way to live and shows that you know how volatile he is. Statistics show that if a man strangles you (because that is what he did) there is a massive risk he will kill you.

What are you showing your 17 year old impressionable DD? How to have a relationship because believe me, to her all this abuse will be normalised and the chances are higher of her going on to be in an abusive relationship herself. If you can't get out of this situation for yourself, do it for her.

Be your best friend, be your rock, be your supporter. What would you tell yourself to do? Get out, and don't look back. Good luck x

IncompleteSenten · 27/07/2022 09:53

If you do decide to stay, make sure that someone official knows he tried to kill you and that he has a history of verbal and physical abuse so that if / when he does go on to kill you, he can't claim it was a single incident, wildly out of character and get off with a suspended sentence or claim it was 'sex' gone wrong as the abusive bastards are starting to claim now.

Also consider writing a letter to your daughter to be given to her after your death.

Mollymoostoo · 27/07/2022 10:12

For those telling OP to leave, more women are killed when trying to leave their partner. OP you need to get advice

You can contact womens aid or other local helplines and get help to make a plan. You need to start by getting your own bank account and some cash, legal documents and passports and other important items out of the house.
Find out about refuges because some won't take adult children.
This is escalating and will get worse. I have been there and ended up in court after he threatened to kill me and kidnap our son (he told his new gf this ironically)
Be careful that he is not reading your browser history, clear browsing data and cookies and be safe. Don't share your plans with DD if there is a chance he will find out.

Mollymoostoo · 27/07/2022 10:13

IncompleteSenten · 27/07/2022 09:53

If you do decide to stay, make sure that someone official knows he tried to kill you and that he has a history of verbal and physical abuse so that if / when he does go on to kill you, he can't claim it was a single incident, wildly out of character and get off with a suspended sentence or claim it was 'sex' gone wrong as the abusive bastards are starting to claim now.

Also consider writing a letter to your daughter to be given to her after your death.

This. Tell your GP and take photos of any injuries. Also consider your drinking habits as you might need to drive if this happens again.

pinkyredrose · 27/07/2022 10:19

Get rid of him, you're not safe around him. If someone did this to your daughter what would you say to her?

MrsKeats · 27/07/2022 10:27

I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him
I find this line so chilling-so what has he done in the past that has made you afraid of him?
I am echoing all the other posters in saying that you have to leave and call the police. Next time you could be killed.

Blackheathmom · 27/07/2022 10:31

Ofcourse it isn't easy, because you have love for him and any change is hard, it's easier to assume he won't do it again etc

But you must understand that what he did, under the influence or otherwise, is crossing the line - significantly and is very dangerous

It is very likely to happen again and you may not be lucky this time around

So you do need to gather the courage to leave, and if he confronts you after you have left, you must say that you have had to do it after he crossed a line and you could have died

Please do it. This isn't a minor matter. You are in danger

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/07/2022 10:48

LooseGoose22 · 27/07/2022 08:15

The other thing is the hitting himself and urging you to hit him.

At very best (!) it means he's unstable.

At worse, and most likely, he was trying tk get you to injured him or to make injuries on himself to blame you for if you (or anyone else) called the police.

That is very very calculated and sinister. He was instantly thinking about how to frame you and try to make it look two way how to get away with it .. even drunk, that's how calculating and self serving he is.

i wonder if he has managed to bruise/ scratch himself? And if he has told friends or colleagues that OP gets into rages - she's really unpredictable, he's not mentioned it before because, he loves her and anyway he's embarrassed - a bloke shouldn't be frightened of a woman . . .

But it's getting worse and more frequent and he doesn't know what to do . . .

He could be lining a defence up for himself here so that if he kills/seriously injures OP or her daughter, there will be "witnesses" to her unpredictable, violent behaviour and how much he has suffered.

Or perhaps there is another woman and he's trying to look like a really good man who is staying with this mad bat because of the child etc, he can't leave while her mother's like this but as soon as XYZ happens etc

I know there's a LOT of speculation here, but this is a violent and manipulative man - such people are capable of anything.

mummymeister · 27/07/2022 10:53

I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.

NO ONE not a single person in a normal relationship has to do this. NO ONE. You have been conditioned by him to accept that this is normal behaviour and honestly it really really is not. He is violent and it is escalating. He will kill you or your daughter if you stay. This is down to you to stop because he wont or cant. People that love each other dont do this EVER

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 11:00

OP, you absolutely must leave him. I'm so sorry. He could have killed you.

The choking is of course the deal-breaker (pushing you and throwing things should, in fact, have been a deal-breaker alone) but the other stuff you mention - suddenly shouting and ranting about nothing, screaming and hitting himself in the face - is also incredibly disturbing. This is not a man who lost his temper. This is a man who had a dangerous, possibly even psychotic, episode in which he lost all control or semblance of normality. You need to get away immediately. Seriously.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 11:14

Hopeandlove · 26/07/2022 21:18

Next time he will kill you. Report it to the police, get a non molestation order and get him away from you and your child.

he will kill you next time or the time after - don’t wait

This.

You need to get out now. Call the police and then women’s aid

monkeysmum21 · 27/07/2022 11:15

It seems you are not ready to leave him, otherwise, you would have done it the following day.

Focus on your daughter to find the strength you need. Think about how her life would be if you were killed...or she was dead. Sorry for being brutal, but it is imperative you get that man out of your life.

All the best

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 27/07/2022 11:16

Hopeandlove · 26/07/2022 21:18

Next time he will kill you. Report it to the police, get a non molestation order and get him away from you and your child.

he will kill you next time or the time after - don’t wait

This

Raul57 · 27/07/2022 11:18

LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bloodybluemoon · 27/07/2022 11:27

This such an eye opening thread op. If something like this happened to me, I would've written exactly the same post as you thinking of giving another chance just like some of the posters who have but has experienced it yet again but remember, they were lucky and you might not be next time. Unfortunately for the unlucky ones, they are now dead as the next chance they gave or was too scared to leave was lethal. It isn't normal for you to tip toe around him because you have previously experienced being abused in other ways and you already know what he is like. Your relationship has reached a new level where you and your daughter is now swimming in life threatening dangerous waters. Please listen to everyone on this thread and plan to leave secretly and quietly.

DotBall · 27/07/2022 11:38

If you don’t leave you’ll just be another sad statistic reported in the next days news and forgotten about by all but your immediate family and friends within a month or so.

Harsh, but true. You really must plan to leave, mean it and do it. Sending you strength and resilience x

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/07/2022 11:56

Please leave him, this was the final straw Ebat ended my 9 year abusive relationship and recently a teacher who lives near me has been strangled to death by her husband. This is a real threat. Please just leave.