DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

Now he’s escalated please be aware you forgive he’ll do it again

mine did and I was lucky to escape with my life. My neck and chest where bruised for months. I fought back as I knew he meant to kill me that day and I didn’t want to die as I knew he’d get off saying whatever crap to the cops as he’d already started with the she’s mad she’s not right with the family and friends. Also the pure evil in his eyes to.

I thought also I wasn’t being abused as he’d never done this before but I always made sure I didn’t anger him (on eggshells) but he changed the goal posts all the time so I’d have to second guess him it never works. seriously it never ever works.

now plan your exit even if it means going to a refuge just to get away.

He was scared because he knows he nearly killed you. That he could do it again. Leave.

Reading this, you're living on tiptoes trying not set him off. You're living on tip toes trying not to do anything 'wrong'.

This is not a happy life.

Please get some help to get out. Please.

He could so easily have killed you and orphaned your child. There WILL be a next time, because this is an escalation of previous abuse, shoving and "throwing stuff" . Throwing stuff is using a weapon, right?

IF there was a time for discussion, apology, real remorse, and his sworn promise to seek anger management treatment, it was the very first time he pushed you. HE DIDNT. Too late now. Now he is escalating, becoming more disinhibited, losing control. You have to get yourself and your child away from him.

He's crossed a line with no going back; you will never feel safe again, wondering if the next bad mood, or the next sex, will escalate to violence, force and strangulation.

It's particularly horrible that he was urging you to hit him back; that is a real giveaway he was sexually turned on by throttling you and seeking some sadomasochist sex fantasy. Bet he's been watching BDSM or rape porn.

You have to leave. You also have to make a formal report to the police so that there is a RECORD of the danger he poses to you and your teenager.

If you do decide to stay, make sure that someone official knows he tried to kill you and that he has a history of verbal and physical abuse so that if / when he does go on to kill you, he can't claim it was a single incident, wildly out of character and get off with a suspended sentence or claim it was 'sex' gone wrong as the abusive bastards are starting to claim now.

I'm sure he'll be enthusiastically hitting himself as well, since that's what he's done this time (as well as trying to get op to hit him in case the police/a doctor etc could identify his injuries as self inflicted).

His first thought was to try to set up his defence.

I don't think "I shouldn't have done that" referred to anything to do with decency/concern for op. It was "shit, she'll have bruises on her neck".

Oh yes, he was certainly trying to get her to injure him. He'd have ensured he had lots of pictures.

It's chilling.
If she doesn't get out, we'll be reading about her at some point.
She needs help to leave safely.

You need to leave him

My father was violent towards my mother and when I reached my early teens it was my turn.
How do you know he hasn't hurt her already? Because she hasn't told you??
I didn't tell my mother as I didn't expect her to help me - It turned out that I was correct in that assumption-when there were clear signs that I needed her to be the adult.
The posters here are correct when they tell you this situation will have an impact on your daughters future - but also on your relationship with her in ways that you cannot see right now.
Please don't be that mother Ana-you have a duty of care - and of love, towards your child to remove her from this situation- how dare you think otherwise.
You need a great deal of support right now and there are agencies that will provide that for you.
I know that it feels like it is, but this isn't love anymore.

Oh dear. This has gone the way of usual posts about DV where the perfect people in perfect marriages know nothing about DA.

Dear Lady. It is an extremely difficult situation to get your head around. None of what happened to you is your fault. When my ex first assaulted me, my natural 'need' (for want of a better way to describe it) was to tell him what had happened to me as he was my best friend and he would have been my rock. But I couldn't, because he was the person who did the awful things to me.

It's somewhat dangerous advice to advise that the next time, he'll try to kill her. It doesn't necessarily happen that way. The abuse can vary. It may go from the strangulation back down to verbal abuse and coercive control for a while. Then it can be a push/shove/things being thrown. It doesn't follow a precise pattern.

OP can you emotionally and financially stand on your own two feet? That may involve poverty for a while. That's the truth and reality. If you leave, you need to plan it and do it for once and for all. Going back is extremely dangerous.

I presume that you have read the stats on how much in danger you are. The posters saying that he could kill you the next time are not exaggerating.

I'm so sad that you're going through this. I didn't realise how much I had lost who I was until I finally got free. For me, I stopped loving my ex after the first beating. I stayed many years after that first beating though. When I left the relationship (I tried many many times) finally, I realised just how much of a shell I was. I was no longer me. I was afraid to be me.

You and your daughter are precious young women and you don't deserve to live in fear. Either of you. The most hard-hitting but ultimately effective advice I ever received was in relation to my daughter. It was 'you would lay down your life for her; you would take a bullet for her; can you stay alive for her?'.

If you can look at the financial side of things, family support, housing, refuges, Women's Aid, police etc., you can plan things better. You need to do what is going to work for YOU. It doesn't matter if everyone here would have left lol. They're not living in your life. They don't know anything about your life, your financial situation, housing etc.

They are correct that he could escalate to murder at any point. You're in that much danger. Police don't need proof. They don't need to see marks on your neck. You don't need to make a complaint against him. You can simply ask to speak to them and for advice. You're not handing over control at any point. At any point, you can choose to go back. You can also get support to leave and to stay gone. I know that your heart is breaking. It's awful.

I just wish you luck.

I don't usually post either . I had a similar experience with my hubby. I don't believe all men should be classed as killers because of a one off altercation. In my case I was eventually diagnosed with perimenopause with the worst type of rage and it turns out my husband was suffering from depression. We decided to remove alcohol completely from our lives and discuss any problems calmly. I could not just simply end my marriage because of sudden changed behaviour. I know there are women experiencing domestic violence and it is horrendous. But it seems unfair that if a man hits out or loses it the reaction is to simply get rid ! But if a women has menopausal rage at her husband he should understand and stand by her. There may be underlying causes and alcohol is usually involved. I think you should discuss it with him .

Does this video look familiar to you?

I woke up this morning & wondered if you were still alive.

I hope you are.

I hope you go to the police or womens aid or your family or anywhere today & get help.

I hope your child still has a mother.

I hope you still have a child who is alive & not at risk of harm from this man any more.

I could not just simply end my marriage because of sudden changed behaviour

This is not
sudden changed behaviour, it's an escalation of previous/established behaviour.

Why the fuck are you glamourising domestic abusive on a thread where a women's life is on the line? WTF is wrong with you?

In my case I was eventually diagnosed with perimenopause with the worst type of rage and it turns out my husband was suffering from depression

Op is not raging at or attacking her op.

The say of the attack she spent the evening trying not to set him off/walking on egg shells.

She says he starting ranting, she moved room to get away from him/get out of his vicinity and he followed her, pushed/held her down and strangled her.

Are you reading a different thread.

I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.
You made sure you had done nothing wrong that day to upset him. You are, as others have said, walking on eggshells just in case you do or say something to upset him.
It must be really hard reading all these posts about who your partner actually is. He isn't the person you fell in love with, or not the person he told you he was back then. I hope you are working on getting you and your dd away from him. Accept all the help you can get and good luck 💐

It's not in any way glamourizing it? Rihanna is a very well known victim of DV. Eminem saw his mother abused. Their collaboration is to show how it really is. It's insidious. It's horrendous. People assume it's bad all the time. It's usually not. It's a brilliant video to depict why women stay.

You will only understand the video if you've been a victim.

But it seems unfair that if a man hits out or loses it the reaction is to simply get rid ! But if a women has menopausal rage at her husband he should understand and stand by her.

That would be a different thread, wouldn't it.

Op is not a menopause woman raging at her husband.

Also who says a menopausal woman's husband should understand and stand by her if she's raging at him?? Who said that? Where is your evidence that the majority of women on mn would say that? Because in my experience, they wouldn't.

I am not going to comment on your situation here, because this is a thread about an OP who has been strangled by her husband and is in clear, evident danger.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviour where physical violence is one feature, usually coming after a period of months or years of coercive control and psychological abuse. It can of course include different behaviours and abuses such as sexual, financial, etc.

By the time it gets to the stage the OP describes, the situation is critical.

If you read the thread and notice how many posters are trying to convey that level of risk, posters with lots of experience of dv and the dynamics involved, including police officers, you may understand how unhelpful and irresponsible your comments are.

Watch the video again. It shows it escalating to him burning the house. Threatening to kill her. It's probably the most honest portrayal of DV I've ever seen and you have to have experienced it to understand the dynamics of it.

What a dangerous message this is.

But it seems unfair that if a man hits out or loses it the reaction is to simply get rid!

He CHOKED her. This is one of the biggest risk indicators for men who murder their partners. Even if he never did it again (this is highly unlikely) this is not a risk OP should even consider taking, especially with a child.

But if a women has menopausal rage at her husband he should understand and stand by her.

If a woman choked her husband and posted on here, 99% of people would say she was an abuser and he should leave her immediately. I've seen women post saying they've slapped their husband in anger and they've had their arsed handed to them on a plate.

You're saying this as if the people who accept female violence are the same ones with zero tolerance for male violence.

Some of us don't think that violence, much less choking, has any place in any relationship - regardless of the sex of either party. Especially if children are involved.

This is horrific to read. Will you still love him when he starts abusing your daughter? Or does he already but you can ignore it because you love him?
Seeing a counselor is a positive step. You need to leave him ASAP.

If you cant 'get' the video the lyrics Rihanna repeats with sarcasm is 'I love the way you lie'.