DH choked me during fight

[Ana0404]

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

@Dalint

Many of us have been in abusive relationships. I'm sorry you have been too but don't presume you're the only one who has been.

We know that when the going is good, it's good. Sometimes really good. Sometimes great. We know that's one reason that many victims stay - they focus on the times their partner has been 'good'.

None of this is new news and it's so patronising to assume posters don't understand abusive relationships or haven't been in them just because their view differs to yours.

A Rihanna and Eminem video putting a Hollywood veneer and special effects over a song about a toxic, unhealthy and dangerous relationship isn't in my opinion the 'most honest portrayal of DV' out there. Not by a long shot.

Sending it to a woman who has just been choked by her partner is utterly bizarre.

www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/eminems-tragic-past-explored-brutally-22859564

That's about Eminem.

graziamagazine.com/articles/chris-brown-recounts-assaulting-rihanna/

That's about Rihanna.

That song is more real than you'll ever see.

Report him to the police and leave him.

This is not a safe environment for you or for your daughter.

He could have killed you and if he is able to get out of control to that extent once , he can do it again.

Just saying sorry when he could have killed or badly injured you on purpose is not going to be enough.

You're wrong.
Showing the OP that sometimes it's loving but that it's ultimately dangerous IS HELPFUL. Telling her to leave, leave, leave, is not taking into account the dynamics of co-dependency, abuse and a fucked up love-map which makes you think that their jealousy is a sign of their love or that their abuse is a sign of their passion.
Rihanna got away. Eminem was also a victim as a child and he got away. It takes a lot to get away.

Rihanna is one of the most beautiful women in the world and one of the most talented singers in the world. Even she could be abused.
A lot of people think that it's only scum who become victims. It's not. It can be anyone.

@Dalint

A lot of people think that it's only scum who become victims. It's not. It can be anyone.

I've never thought that, before or after being abused. I honestly don't know of anyone who thinks "only scum become victims". I'm not sure where you get that "a lot of people" think that.

I believe your post was dangerously misguided and at an already very dangerous time for OP.

We'll have to agree to disagree I guess.

OP sorry for the derail, it's from a place of concern for you and not wanting to minimise anything that's happened because this is so, so serious. Especially with a child around.

Listen to his lyrics from 3minutes 30seconds.

That's what they all say.

I have been a victim and that's why I'm absolutely horrified at what you're trying to do here. Your posts are absolutely disgraceful, glamourising and justifying domestic violence. You should be ashamed.

@LivMumsnet Please can MN step up and deal with the dangerous, glamourising posts on this thread.

Jesus.

I haven't read all the replies but I bet there's not a single one urging you to stay and try to work it out.

I work in a criminal defence department. Years ago we represented a guy who was in and out of prison for assaulting his partner. She kept taking him back. Eventually he murdered her. She was only a kid, early 20s. Please leave.

Yeah. The real posts. Not the precious ones from people who come from precious lives.

Women stay. Sometimes for children, sometimes for themselves, sometimes because they have nowhere to go, sometimes because they are so broken that they mistake abuse for love.

@Dalint

You have no idea what some of us have been through, how dare you say anyone who disagrees with you has come from a "precious life".

Just like you, many of us are survivors talking to a victim. Stop making assumptions. You've got no idea about individual circumstances of anonymous posters.

You'll note I said upthread I'm sorry you've been through it too but you haven't had the good grace to say similar to anyone.

Enjoy your day.

Please could we keep this thread focussed on the OP and supporting her?

You 'made sure in the day you hadn't done anything to upset him' OP you can't live like this. He will snap and do it again, maybe not straight away but eventually. Please get out.

I'm not justifying it . I'm just telling my own experience I just decided not to give you every last detail of my situation. After us both going through counselling together and removing alcohol from the situation it stopped.

Counselling with your abuser is not recommended. OP's partner isn't doing this because he drinks, he's doing it because he is abusive.

There is an 8 step timeline in DV homicides and it is possible that OP's partner is already at stage 7.
www.dvact.org/post/do-you-know-the-8-step-timeline-in-domestic-abuse-homicides

Please get out.... I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

One of my dear friends was strangled to death by her husband. Please do not be another statistic, and please do not leave another little girl without her mother.

What would you say to your 17 y o daughter if she told you a boyfriend had done this to her?

'Don't worry it might not happen again'? Or
'Get the hell out from that relationship'

There's your answer.

I have been reading all the messages and am taking on board everything that people are saying. I think at first I thought he may have been so drunk he didn't realise/remember what he did but when he checked my neck I realised in that moment he remembered exactly what he did. Unfortunately I don't have extended family to help me and I haven't told anyone else as we have lots of mutual friends and I don't want anything getting back to him. My job isn't secure so I can't just leave. I'm working on getting my daughter out first. She was away at the time and doesn't know what happened. I'm going to work out a plan first and am trying to get a secure job so I can be financially independent.

All I hope is that op can make the right decision for her.

I will always have no tolerance for DV !!!

But didn't realise there was very little tolerance for women who have together with their husbands succeeded in ending toxic violent behaviour in their marriages.

OP I am so sorry. I just wanted to share, that I actually went to an international training session on men who 'choke' (strangle) their partners, only last week (I am a healthcare professional working in safeguarding). It is a different offence entirely to other forms of domestic abuse. It is considered a highly dangerous indicator of abuse that can and will escalate, and a potential precursor to murder.

I don't say this to frighten you, but you need to know.

Please leave and take any steps necessary to ensure your safety in the meantime. Tell the police and seek support from womens aid or a local DV support service

@Ana0404 Please contact Women's Aid as soon as you can. They won't tell you to leave, they'll just give you advice and practical support.
Tell them what happened, show them this thread.

Please tell somebody in real life, and get as much support as you can.

It may take time to get out of this situation, but bear in mind you are at risk if/when you leave. I know it's tempting to wait for the 'perfect time' to leave, but you may not have that luxury, if he feels like you are pulling away or getting stronger that can be dangerous.

I understand it's easy for strangers on the internet to say 'just leave', and reality isn't like that, but please get as much help as you can and plan your escape - Women's Aid or similar can help with advice and support.

He's not my abuser he's my husband !!!!

You sound very level-headed and sensible, OP. There is support available to help you leave. Women's Aid can advise. Please get in touch with them.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please talk to Women's Aid @Ana0404 . They will advise and support you. You say you cannot afford to leave yet, as your job isn't secure. You can't afford to wait because your life is at risk.