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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hot/cold man. What do I do?

108 replies

strawberryc · 26/07/2022 17:14

He will one minute be really full on and loving, affectionate, makes me feel really special and amazing. Then with no apparent reason why, he suddenly becomes really cold and distant, barely communicates with me and stops calling/texting when we usually speak on the phone daily. He mentions being busy at work sometimes, but a lot of the time even when he is busy he calls me on his commute etc and makes some effort.

our time together is always lovely but I’m feeling exhausted and anxious with him swinging from hot to cold all the time - I feel like I never know where I stand. We spent the weekend together, and since Monday we have barely spoken at all, and my last message was left on delivered at 10am today. There is literally no chance he has not been on his phone since then.

Am I being over sensitive, or making an issue out of nothing? I don’t want to sabotage things while things are still in the fairly early stages (months), but I’m also finding it tiring when one minute he wants to speak 24/7 and the next minute, I’m lucky if I hear from him at all for a whole day.

thanks in advance 💐

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 28/07/2022 15:35

You need to watch Drifters (it’s on All4 and is hilarious). There’s a character in that called Hot & Cold who displays all the characteristics you describe. First appears in the second series. If nothing else you will laugh and get some good lessons from one of the female characters on how NOT to behave around men like that!

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/07/2022 19:36

Good job. Just block him now to avoid him trying to hoover you back in with some tale of woe.

pixie5121 · 28/07/2022 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Watchkeys · 28/07/2022 19:49

Lots of people can text from work without having a poor work ethic, @pixie5121 . Lets not argue.

Horological · 28/07/2022 19:51

OP, you've made the right decision.

In situations like this there is no need to try and work out which person is 'wrong'. Neither of you is wrong.

If any relationship makes you feel anxious and unsure then it's not the right relationship. Good relationships make you feel good.

Goawayangryman · 28/07/2022 19:53

Yes to guarding against the hoover attempt. It always comes sooner or later. It's not because they think you are special and can't stay away, when they do. It's because they think they are special and someone cutting them off creates serious cognitive dissonance, they can't fathom why anyone would stay away from them...

I hope you find a nice uncomplicated bloke who you have something in common with. I genuinely think a big massive klaxon should go off regarding anyone who you seem to have a deep or intense connection with. Normally it's because one or both of you are unhinged. A healthy relationship has plenty of fizz but without the intensity of these clusterfucks. I speak from experience as a veteran cluster fuckee 😁

Original poster
strawberryc · 29/07/2022 19:07

hi all, just a rather disappointing update - I had a message from him this afternoon, over 24h since I sent the message saying things didn’t work for me.

He said that he has been really busy, and that I need to ‘get a grip’ and stop being so dramatic and needy and sabotaging things.

I don’t plan to reply, not worth the energy, his arsey message has just proved that things wouldn’t have worked between us.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/07/2022 19:14

I can see why that seems disappointing, but also, it's a good sign in terms of your instinctive boundaries being in the right place. You already knew something wasn't right, and now he's proved your point to you.

Sorry OP. It's a let down, but better long term. I hope you have a good weekend Flowers

FOJN · 29/07/2022 19:18

Wow, looks like you dodged a bullet.

If your text ending things didn't mention his hot and cold communication then his text today reveals he knew exactly what he was doing and now he's trying to gaslight you. If he genuinely has been busy he would have shown some awareness and sent a text saying sorry he was not being as communicative but he was very busy. I would also argue that if it took him over 24 hours to respond to a break up text then he's too busy for a relationship.

You now know he was a closeted arsehole. Stick to your plan not to reply to him. If you give him another chance he will know he can ignore you when it suits him and then be disrespectful and dismissive if you raise it as an issue.

Original poster
strawberryc · 29/07/2022 19:36

Watchkeys · 29/07/2022 19:14

I can see why that seems disappointing, but also, it's a good sign in terms of your instinctive boundaries being in the right place. You already knew something wasn't right, and now he's proved your point to you.

Sorry OP. It's a let down, but better long term. I hope you have a good weekend Flowers

Thank you, I’m sure once I get through this initial disappointment, it will feel like a lucky escape! 😂

planned a few nice things for this weekend so I don’t sit around dwelling and feeling sorry for myself - I hope you have a good weekend too.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryc · 29/07/2022 19:41

FOJN · 29/07/2022 19:18

Wow, looks like you dodged a bullet.

If your text ending things didn't mention his hot and cold communication then his text today reveals he knew exactly what he was doing and now he's trying to gaslight you. If he genuinely has been busy he would have shown some awareness and sent a text saying sorry he was not being as communicative but he was very busy. I would also argue that if it took him over 24 hours to respond to a break up text then he's too busy for a relationship.

You now know he was a closeted arsehole. Stick to your plan not to reply to him. If you give him another chance he will know he can ignore you when it suits him and then be disrespectful and dismissive if you raise it as an issue.

nope, my text ending things didn’t mention the reason - I didn’t want it to turn into a back and forth, so I just kept it short and sweet and said it wasn’t working for me.

I have no doubt his behaviour was intentional - it was like a cycle which he kept repeating, with initially being very full on, talking about our future, telling me how much I meant to him etc, then suddenly withdrawing completely and being really cold towards me. It was confusing and unpleasant, but I’m glad to have realised this now rather than a few months/years down the line.

I definitely won’t be responding to him, I don’t have any desire to speak to him again at all, especially after receiving his nasty message today.

OP posts:
Cornflakegirll · 29/07/2022 20:17

What an arse!!! You’re well rid!

He’s shown you who he is and you haven’t invested too much time and energy!

Great!

Time to move forward. Good luck!

Aubree17 · 29/07/2022 20:31

My experience with men like this is they are suffering from depression.

Just my experience .......

pixie5121 · 29/07/2022 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

seaUrchinOne · 29/07/2022 23:19

Interesting you didn't mention why you were ending but he seemed to know why and blamed you for it.
Sounds like a selfish man that it needed to be all on his terms, impossible to ever build a relationship with someone like that.

pixie5121 · 30/07/2022 14:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

billy1966 · 30/07/2022 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

He's a nasty piece of work who was absolutely deliberately behaving badly to ascertain how much shit you would take.

The truth is you took a lot before you ended it.

Reflect on that OP, and learn from it so you can protect yourself from the many arseholes that are about.

Well done on ending it.
He may well try and pursue you again, for the challenge.

SquirrelSoShiny · 30/07/2022 16:39

Yes I definitely think there will be a hoover attempt at some point, maybe even after some time. There will either be a 'OMG I made such a dreadful mistake losing you' or some tale of woe where he is the victim of ... They're really very predictable.

C0mfyChairP0se · 30/07/2022 19:06

I dated a guy like this and he was always distant after we'd spent time together apart from one time he knew I was going to a town I used to live in to catch up with old colleagues and we had a lot planned over a few days. That time, he was following up with texts and checking in. Finally, but only when I was busy!!
Made me see him for who he was.

Original poster
strawberryc · 03/08/2022 09:44

Hi all, thanks again for the replies. He definitely isn’t a nice person, I gave him the benefit of the doubt the first few times he suddenly went cold, but this time it seemed more obvious it was intentional.

I haven’t been in contact with him - I ignored his message blaming me for things, he then sent a 👍🏻 👍🏻 emoji into our chat yesterday which I didn’t reply to either.

I dont expect to hear from him again but if I do I won’t be responding.

it’s a shame he he turned out this way, I felt like we were getting close and possibly had a future, but I don’t realistically want a future with a man who is so manipulative and inconsistent 😔

I am going to take a few months out of dating and then hopefully find someone nicer!

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/08/2022 10:04

I'm really glad you chucked this guy. He might try and worm his way back, but don't allow it.

Original poster
strawberryc · 03/08/2022 10:27

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/08/2022 10:04

I'm really glad you chucked this guy. He might try and worm his way back, but don't allow it.

yeah i wouldn’t be surprised if I get a random grovelling message in a few weeks or months, checking if I’m an option for an ego boost or an easy shag if he’s bored, or something along those lines 🙄 I don’t intend on ever responding, as much as a miss the company and the nice side of things, the reality of who he is is pretty shit!

OP posts:
Solosunrise · 03/08/2022 10:58

Well done OP!
There was a brilliant thread a while back started by a poster who's long term partner dumped her by text.
She was amazing- it obviously devastated her but she just never replied. He jumped all sorts of hoops to make her engage again, and she just...didn't.
I think she updated a good while later, to let us know she'd met somebody much nicer.
I was so impressed!
I hope you meet somebody who is worthy of you!

billy1966 · 03/08/2022 11:30

@Solosunrise ......what a thread, and what a woman that poster was.
A fantastic read.

Maybe someone will remember it.
I can clearly.

He dumped her out of the blue and she took him at his word.
A great woman. What a fxxking headcase he had hidden himself to be.

Well done OP.
Men like him that want to play manipulative games are head fxcks to be with.

To be avoided at all cost.
Complete time wasters.

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 03/08/2022 13:16

Well done OP!!! I'm in the same situation with a hot and cold person at the minute. Been going on for nearly 9 months! Can't believe I've been sucked in like this and the anxiety on a daily basis is exhausting! It's awful and I wish I had the stength to get out sooner but here I am hoping for things to get better on a weekly basis trying to make sense of the behaviour. The amount of videos I've watched to help me get out is crazy and I just feel sick on a weekly basis. Never makes any plans for the next week and I'm always wondering what is next.