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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hot/cold man. What do I do?

108 replies

strawberryc · 26/07/2022 17:14

He will one minute be really full on and loving, affectionate, makes me feel really special and amazing. Then with no apparent reason why, he suddenly becomes really cold and distant, barely communicates with me and stops calling/texting when we usually speak on the phone daily. He mentions being busy at work sometimes, but a lot of the time even when he is busy he calls me on his commute etc and makes some effort.

our time together is always lovely but I’m feeling exhausted and anxious with him swinging from hot to cold all the time - I feel like I never know where I stand. We spent the weekend together, and since Monday we have barely spoken at all, and my last message was left on delivered at 10am today. There is literally no chance he has not been on his phone since then.

Am I being over sensitive, or making an issue out of nothing? I don’t want to sabotage things while things are still in the fairly early stages (months), but I’m also finding it tiring when one minute he wants to speak 24/7 and the next minute, I’m lucky if I hear from him at all for a whole day.

thanks in advance 💐

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 26/07/2022 18:33

Roundthetwistyroad · 26/07/2022 18:22

It's the highly addictive panic pursuit relationship model - he comes on strong and feels great, woman reciprocates, man suddenly feels panic and backs off, woman still keen, man backs off even further, woman eventually gets fed up/less interested at which point man goes into pursuit mode. Hit repeat.

It's not an enjoyable way to have a relationship even if the good times are really good. I would look for someone who can consistently deliver and makes you feel secure. These highs and lows are horrible and will eat away at your self esteem.

Yes really watch out for this OP. Some of us are more vulnerable to it than others. I have ADHD and it does crazy shit to my dopamine. I have to really watch out for it.

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 26/07/2022 18:36

strawberryc I've got 2 sons - neither of them married but have girlfriends - and they both tell me that they cannot bear "needy" women. It's difficult to not check your 'phone etc., if you're used to being in touch every day. The man you've been seeing is trying to exert a level of control over you - and it appears to be working. Let him know that you're seeing friends/family, having a nice time without him and that you're independent and enjoying the single life. He'll come running.

Fabswingers · 26/07/2022 18:39

You seriously need to Google intermittent reinforcement and get lost down that rabbit hole.

The poster who said about the fruit machine could not have hit the nail on the head any better!!!

goldfinchonthelawn · 26/07/2022 18:43

As PP have said, I would need breathing space after a weekend together. I might need downtime and find constant texting too much after being together all the time. Not a sign I disliked a man I just need breathing space, and a relationship where we have to text all the time would drive me nuts. Lots of people like to be able to focus 100% on what they are doing in the moment, so at work, even at lunch break, or during a night with mates, he might just want to be in the moment, no reflection on how much he likes you.

But if you think he is playing mind games, I would be tempted to mirror his behaviour. Don't make contact. Keep very busy indeed doing other things you love to do, so your life is full and interesting - catch up with friends, go to a fitness class, a movie/gig/comedy show etc. If he gets in touch don't reply for several hours, keep the reply very short and if he questions it say you are run off your feet at the moment.

If he's a waste of space he might start chasing, might sulk or might lose interest because you are not playing his game according to his rules, which is: you get keener, he gets meaner. If he's a good man he will respect that you too can be very busy, just as he is and will send warm texts asking you to give him a call when you are free.

Fancydancer1934 · 26/07/2022 18:49

So you had a great weekend (lots of sex no doubt) then he went under the radar hmm ......

lking679 · 26/07/2022 19:30

If I showed you the text chain between my husband and I you’d think he only had a yes or no button on his phone. But he was like that from the start. It took me 6 months to settle into things with dh when we started dating but I always had the impression he was a good egg who’d be a nice boyfriend/husband and I was right.
take him at his word he’s busy/feeling like he needs his own time and see how things go and how he makes you feel in person.
I also wouldn’t be so available for texts and calls if they can then suddenly stop, doesn’t sound like a good way of communicating for you two if he can run hot and cold on it!

AhAgain · 26/07/2022 21:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/07/2022 21:15

You’re not happy
It’s very early days.
You might like him but you don’t sound compatible
I’d just end it and look for someone I am compatible with

seaUrchinOne · 26/07/2022 21:23

Men are like this when they just want something casual rather than having to put an effort into a full time relationship. He enjoys a weekend with you, but during the week it's out of sight/out of mind.

Be honest and say this communication style isn't for you.

Goawayangryman · 26/07/2022 22:19

What's his relationship history OP? What's yours?

He will know the short shrift makes you feel bad. He will be getting something out of giving you short shrift. The talking about the future and saying how into you he is; that, as someone else has said, is love bombing. This guy is bad news. I promise you.

Butterfly44 · 26/07/2022 22:36

I will say this.

Don't ignore how you are feeling. You have intuition for a reason and yours senses this doesn't feel right. It's not fun to feel anxious and if this sounds like it's repeated... not a one off. I'd cut losses and move on to a relationship where you aren't made to feel like that.

lightisnotwhite · 26/07/2022 22:46

for the past two weeks we have been speaking all day everyday through text (initiated by him), speaking for hours on the phone daily, again all initiated by him. As well as lots of talk about the future, how much he is into me; etc

Text book WRONG. Why are you letting him talk for so long? Why is he controlling your day. Where are your boundaries? You are busy , you have a life and other friends. He is not “god” until he’s happy yo commit long term to you (and confirmed this by both word and deed). Take back your control.
As you saying later post you text your friends endlessly. He is not not “ a friend”. He is a man you want to have an intimate relationship with.

pixie5121 · 27/07/2022 00:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

lightisnotwhite · 27/07/2022 05:58

@pixie5121 you’re misrepresenting TalkingToMyselfAgain. Texting “ all day everyday” is not the same as checking in by text daily or a chat by text at bedtime.say.

Everyone is interested and excited at the start. Look where it’s got the OP. It’s like eating cake. Fabulous and delicious but eat one slice at a time. Eating the whole cake isn’t healthy or good for you, regardless that’s it’s what you want to do and feels nice at the time.

bofski14 · 27/07/2022 06:09

When it's right, there are no mixed messages. When a man is into you, really into you, there is no doubt. No checking the phone, no anxiety, no wondering when you'll hear from him again.

I've been exactly where you are. A whirlwind, love bombing experience that went on over the phone for months that after a weekend away left me out in the cold. Paragraphs of gushing compliments and talks of future plans turned to one word answers and silence for days, lies about losing my number. It STILL bothers me and it was years ago. I never had an answer. All I can surmise is that he wasn't that into me. And that's fine. But it shouldn't leave you feeling bad about yourself or on edge.

Pull back. Don't check in with him. Be easy going when he does get in touch but also busy, busy, busy. If he knows you're waiting on his whims, you'll never be his priority.

Good luck!

JollyHippo · 27/07/2022 06:23

I've been there too. My quest for answers led me to this:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. Natalie Lue has some good articles on exactly this (search for the 'hot and cold' articles

JollyHippo · 27/07/2022 06:25

reclaim www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

JollyHippo · 27/07/2022 06:27

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

Hope it's done it this time!

garlicandsapphires · 27/07/2022 06:37

I suffered the most terrible anxiety going out with a man like this. It was like an addiction. I’d urge you to reconsider the relationship before you get in too deep.

Cornflakegirll · 27/07/2022 06:51

I was involved with a man like this, he pretty much love bombed me and would then withdraw, rinse and repeat. It left me utterly confused and bewildered and I felt totally at sea. Looking back there were many narcissistic tendencies in him, but mostly he just wasn’t that into me.

Embarrassed to say I had a moment of clarity and broke free after a year a half of this hot/cold behaviour!

Two months later I met my husband and couldn’t believe the difference in our relationship. It was so straightforward, it proved to me that I wasn’t needy or needing to ‘chill out’. First man still reached out a few months later though - ha!

Please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on this man. You’re worth so much more than this.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 27/07/2022 07:26

My last partner was a bit like this - in his case it was an inherent emotional unavailability and almost as though he needed to pull away after our weekend together so there would be a lull for a few days, then the build up would intensify again ahead of our next meet. I described him in the end as the “perfect part time pop up boyfriend”. The inconsistency gave me huge anxiety even though he’s a really decent guy. We’ve remained friends and I recently asked him when the last time was he fell in love or told someone he was in love with them - he couldn’t remember. I realised above anything else I do need to be with someone capable of uttering those words, no matter how great their other qualities.

Do you get any emotional declarations from him?

HelenHywater · 27/07/2022 07:32

I don't know OP. I've been out with a narcissist who was a bit like this, and also with a different man who was quite avoidant. Either way it messed with my head, and I steer clear now of anyone who makes me feel anxious.

I think you don't need to diagnose him, it's about how you feel. And it isn't normal to feel anxious - I've since dated people who don't make me feel anxious with their messaging or behaviour. So I'd step away if I were you. I also think it's dangerous to get into game playing territory with these men, testing them, because they don't really change - it's better just to move on imo.

C0mfyChairP0se · 27/07/2022 07:36

It's not needy or intense to say look, mixed messages don't work for me.

We're hardwired to connect so to be taken down off a shelf for a few hours then ignored until HE decides it's time to reconnect, that's going to trigger your anxiety so it doesn't work for you. Tell him this doesn't suit me. Hot at the weekends, cold all week, not what I'm looking for. Good luck

It's not needy or intense to be thinking about what you want out of a relationship or what you want out of life.

Don't fall in to step with his agenda because you think it's needy to have your own agenda!

By your logic he's the needy one, he needs things his way.

lothermand · 27/07/2022 08:06

The knot in the stomach is classic anxiety. Speak to him about the situation, if it does nothing else, it will relieve the 'knot'.

You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain by speaking to him about your feelings. You are afraid of losing the good times, but you are prolonging the agony by hanging on to them..

youlightupmyday · 27/07/2022 08:09

What a wanker to withdraw like that. Not someone I would trust a future with...