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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hot/cold man. What do I do?

108 replies

strawberryc · 26/07/2022 17:14

He will one minute be really full on and loving, affectionate, makes me feel really special and amazing. Then with no apparent reason why, he suddenly becomes really cold and distant, barely communicates with me and stops calling/texting when we usually speak on the phone daily. He mentions being busy at work sometimes, but a lot of the time even when he is busy he calls me on his commute etc and makes some effort.

our time together is always lovely but I’m feeling exhausted and anxious with him swinging from hot to cold all the time - I feel like I never know where I stand. We spent the weekend together, and since Monday we have barely spoken at all, and my last message was left on delivered at 10am today. There is literally no chance he has not been on his phone since then.

Am I being over sensitive, or making an issue out of nothing? I don’t want to sabotage things while things are still in the fairly early stages (months), but I’m also finding it tiring when one minute he wants to speak 24/7 and the next minute, I’m lucky if I hear from him at all for a whole day.

thanks in advance 💐

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 26/07/2022 17:17

A whole day is not a long time. Chill out - sounds like he does all the right things when you are together. You can always message him - just a simple "How's it going today?" Whatever you do , don't come across as a bunny boiler - otherwise reckon it will be fine

Fabswingers · 26/07/2022 17:21

I only know one guy who does this and the reason he goes cold is because his busy messaging his other girlfriend. His purposely ignoring you as you can see his on his phone, he has options. That’s what happens with the guy I know anyway.

Goawayangryman · 26/07/2022 17:27

I would dump, run and consider you've had a lucky escape. The only person I knew who did this sort of thing was a complete narcissist.

This is how you train dogs. It's called intermittent reinforcement. Also known as "treat em mean to keep em keen".

At this stage it should be 100% fun and adding to your life, not making you into an anxious mess.

Goawayangryman · 26/07/2022 17:29

And please do not ignore your intuition. It's telling you this man makes you feel anxious and insecure. If this is not usual for you in relationships then it ain't you, it's him.

MorrisZapp · 26/07/2022 17:33

Don't come across as a bunny boiler? Wtf??

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 26/07/2022 17:39

Relationships are supposed to make you feel good, not anxious. I think that alone should tell you something.

Orgasmagorical · 26/07/2022 17:39

This won't get any better, OP.

It's nice when you're together because he is making it that way, it suits him to have happy times. Why would he upset you when he's in your company? He would have to deal with that and it would be too much like hard work for him.

If you try to talk to him about it he'll come up with some excuse but the behaviour won't change. It's intentional.

What do you do? Listen to your feelings and take control. If this isn't what you want in a relationship you should end it.

SnowyWinterDays · 26/07/2022 17:53

Agree with all the above

Whitehorsegirl · 26/07/2022 17:55

Dump him.

You don't need that kind of constant uncertainty in your life. Whatever his issue is don't waste your time on him...

Original poster
strawberryc · 26/07/2022 18:00

Thanks for all the replies. I don’t want to come across as being needy or intense, but I have never had this issue of feeling uncomfortable with any previous relationships.

so for the past two weeks we have been speaking all day everyday through text (initiated by him), speaking for hours on the phone daily, again all initiated by him. As well as lots of talk about the future, how much he is into me; etc

this was leading up to us spending this weekend together. Then the second we parted ways after the weekend, it’s been almost radio silence, one word replies, any attempt I make to chat properly he shuts the conversation down by taking 24h to reply (with a one or two word response), and no phone calls at all when he was phoning me daily previously.

it just feels like there is no middle ground. I really do like him and feel a ‘connection’, but I’m wary of getting too caught up in him if this is a preview of what a long term relationship with him would be like.

he never stays distant for long - within a week or two he comes back with the intense communication. It’s all throwing me off.

thanks again for the replies, if anyone has any tips for how to handle this I’d appreciate it - is it worth trying to discuss it with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryc · 26/07/2022 18:02

I know it might sound a bit dramatic, but when he goes cold and seems ‘off’ I have a horrible knot feeling in my stomach, and find myself checking my phone quite often to see if he still hasn’t responded.

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 26/07/2022 18:04

ManAboutTown · 26/07/2022 17:17

A whole day is not a long time. Chill out - sounds like he does all the right things when you are together. You can always message him - just a simple "How's it going today?" Whatever you do , don't come across as a bunny boiler - otherwise reckon it will be fine

Ah, thank god the Menz are here to put us right 💕

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 26/07/2022 18:04

Your relationship sounds suffocating. You've had the weekend together, but you text each other daily?

I think you need to try to play him at his own game - don't be readily available for a chat, don't reply to his texts straight away, give each other time and space. If he really likes you, he'll pursue you.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/07/2022 18:06

That’s really awful behaviour on his part. Not ok. You could ask him about it - but I doubt it will change.

It’s making you understandably anxious. Dump.

EinsteinaGogo · 26/07/2022 18:06

OP,

Feeling anxious and off balance, waiting for titbits and scraps, is no way to start a relationship.

He's love bombing you then putting on the brakes to make himself feel good.

He is NOT a good bet for a relationship,

godmum56 · 26/07/2022 18:09

strawberryc · 26/07/2022 18:02

I know it might sound a bit dramatic, but when he goes cold and seems ‘off’ I have a horrible knot feeling in my stomach, and find myself checking my phone quite often to see if he still hasn’t responded.

this is how fruit machines work.

Original poster
strawberryc · 26/07/2022 18:10

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 26/07/2022 18:04

Your relationship sounds suffocating. You've had the weekend together, but you text each other daily?

I think you need to try to play him at his own game - don't be readily available for a chat, don't reply to his texts straight away, give each other time and space. If he really likes you, he'll pursue you.

I can see why it might sound that way, but I have a couple of close friends as well as him who I text throughout the day, it’s mutually enjoyable for us - if the man I am seeing had the same communication style from the start with minimal texting I wouldn’t be so fussed, it’s the big shifts which are making me feel uncomfortable.

I will definitely take a big step back and not be so available for the calls/texts when he inevitably ramps it all up again in a few days. It’s just starting to feel like a lot of hassle even having to think about this sort of stuff, when it’s meant to be the exciting/fun part!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 26/07/2022 18:11

the way you handle it is the same as fruit machines. You stop playing and walk away.

Ihavekids · 26/07/2022 18:11

We don't know the guy. We don't know you. We can't possibly answer this meaningfully.

It's definitely possible that after an intense time together he might need to withdraw a bit to come back to himself. I do this. It's only fair to let him do this and give him space, we're only talking a couple of days.

But, also, your instincts might be telling you something... I've had boyfriends do this to me and sometimes, not always, it means I'm more into them than they me.

The only way to set your mind at ease is to ask him. In a non accusatory way. A few months is long enough to be comfy asking questions like this. If he's a decent gut he'll give you a proper answer and set your mind at ease.

Good luck.

SquirrelSoShiny · 26/07/2022 18:13

Goawayangryman · 26/07/2022 17:27

I would dump, run and consider you've had a lucky escape. The only person I knew who did this sort of thing was a complete narcissist.

This is how you train dogs. It's called intermittent reinforcement. Also known as "treat em mean to keep em keen".

At this stage it should be 100% fun and adding to your life, not making you into an anxious mess.

This 100% it's classic narcissistic behaviour.

Roundthetwistyroad · 26/07/2022 18:22

It's the highly addictive panic pursuit relationship model - he comes on strong and feels great, woman reciprocates, man suddenly feels panic and backs off, woman still keen, man backs off even further, woman eventually gets fed up/less interested at which point man goes into pursuit mode. Hit repeat.

It's not an enjoyable way to have a relationship even if the good times are really good. I would look for someone who can consistently deliver and makes you feel secure. These highs and lows are horrible and will eat away at your self esteem.

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 26/07/2022 18:24

How old is he OP? How long have you been seeing each other and have you had the exclusivity chat?

Dominant · 26/07/2022 18:27

I would find this fine if I knew he genuinely had a busy and hectic life as I don't like intense daily texts early in a relationship because it doesn't leave much to miss or talk about. If you have children or share a home it's a different case because there might be things you need to communicate about.
The issue is that this isn't how you like to be treated so it doesn't matter that I find his pattern ok, you're not ok with it so I would either speak to him about it or end it and tell him why.

frozendaisy · 26/07/2022 18:30

Stop being so available when he decides. His reaction should be all you need to know.

CruCru · 26/07/2022 18:30

I think the issue is more that when he’s blowing hot, he is so intense (you mentioned him wanting to talk 24/7). This sort of intensity is difficult to sustain and is quite unhealthy.

Honestly? It would do both of you some good for you to focus on some other things - go out with your friends, take a short trip abroad, put in some more hours at work, take up running. If your instinct is to respond the moment he messages you then try to pause a bit - not to play games but more to pace things a bit.

If you think he is playing silly games with you then yes, I’d walk away.