Hot/cold man. What do I do?

[strawberryc]

He will one minute be really full on and loving, affectionate, makes me feel really special and amazing. Then with no apparent reason why, he suddenly becomes really cold and distant, barely communicates with me and stops calling/texting when we usually speak on the phone daily. He mentions being busy at work sometimes, but a lot of the time even when he is busy he calls me on his commute etc and makes some effort.

our time together is always lovely but I’m feeling exhausted and anxious with him swinging from hot to cold all the time - I feel like I never know where I stand. We spent the weekend together, and since Monday we have barely spoken at all, and my last message was left on delivered at 10am today. There is literally no chance he has not been on his phone since then.

Am I being over sensitive, or making an issue out of nothing? I don’t want to sabotage things while things are still in the fairly early stages (months), but I’m also finding it tiring when one minute he wants to speak 24/7 and the next minute, I’m lucky if I hear from him at all for a whole day.

thanks in advance 💐

In my opinion if the phrase

”play him at his own game” comes in then this is not a long term relationship.

My main memory of me and dh getting together is that it was easy. There were no complicated bits where I didn’t know what he was thinking - he told me! There was no “is she annoyed at me” when I was busy with work - because I had already said “can’t see you tonight - I have to get my problem sheet done” (we were students).

Complicated dramas and “will they, won’t they” are brilliant for a Rom Com, a soap opera or if you are 17 and passing notes in physics.

They are not for adults in real life.

Cold is the real him, hot is when he wants something

I had a guy like this.
I was addicted to the feeling of excitement / rejection.

It was awful. Wish I'd ended it sooner because the highs weren't worth the lows.

Some guys are just like this.

I completely agree. There is an easiness when things are right. But I also think that it could be misunderstanding, at an early stage, of how the other person operates. I had a boyfriend years ago who I was utterly besotted with, But when I'm at work, I am in work mode and can't think of anything else. He used to ring me at work on my lunch break and i was monosyllabic and couldn't get off the phone fast enough. Unintentionally I kept him keen by treating him 'mean' but it was only because I'm not good at jumping from one focus to another. So if OP eases up a bit on the texts and waits to see how he responds, that's a reasonable act to work out whether she's misunderstood how he operates.

It’s just starting to feel like a lot of hassle even having to think about this sort of stuff, when it’s meant to be the exciting/fun part!

I could not be doing with this. I'd politely end the relationship and wish him well. I'm too old for silly game playing and can't be bothered with someone blowing hot and cold. Either he wants a grown up relationship or he doesn't.

Life is too short to be feeling anxious/over thinking things. Just end it and move on.

It doesn't really matter what he's doing, thinking, feeling, the fact is you don't like it, it's upsetting you and it doesn't suit you. You are not compatible.

Am I being over sensitive, or making an issue out of nothing

There's no high authority to decide if an issue should be an issue or not. You have to decide for yourself, according to your own emotions, whether it's an issue for you. You can't be over sensitive, because there's no level of sensitive that's 'correct'. If you're sensitive about something, you're sensitive about it and that's part of who you are. If you respect who you are (i.e. if you have self respect) you respect your feelings, rather than what anybody else (including MN) says.

If you need steady contact in a relationship. then that's what you need. There's no right or wrong about it. If he offers an incompatible relationship style, and it really bothers you, then you're not compatible with each other.

'He's right/I'm wrong' or vice versa isn't the way forward here. 'He does it one way and I prefer another' will serve you better. He's not offering what you need. Explain to him how you feel, and let him decide to change what he offers. If not, leave him behind.

On its own, not replying to a 10am text by 5pm shouldn't be a big deal.

Blowing hot and cold, love bombing one minute then being standoffish and cool the next, is not good. The '24 hour' texting and being on the phone all the time sounds sufficating by itself. Then throw in the days of being cold, and it sounds like either he is doing this on purpose to mess with your head and exert some control. Whatever his reason, it's making you anxious and exhausted, so this is not a good relationship.

This is the best this relationship will ever be - it's the start, the 'best behaivour' time.

Unless you want a hot and cold man who makes you anxious, dump him.

"Connection" means fuck all. Behaviour is everything.

What does 'fine' mean, though? Fine as in 'reasonable', or fine as in 'not upsetting for OP'?

Obviously the man hasn't broken any laws, but if OP isn't happy with how he behaves, she needs to get that message across to him so they can work it out, or leave the relationship.

@Mumoftwoinprimary I knew you were a physics student when you mention problem sheets!

Hi all, thanks for all the replies, it has been really helpful for me to read other peoples perspectives.

I didn’t hear back from him in the end, I sent a message this morning just checking in and seeing how he was, very light and friendly. He gave me blunt one word replies, I spoke about possible weekend plans and he did the same with non committal, short responses, and showed zero interest - didn’t ask how I was or anything like that.

he definitely is acting ‘off’ but I have no idea why. I’m debating if it is worth asking him if we should end things here - after our conversation this morning he has left me on read again, so I don’t expect to hear back from him unless I restart the conversation again. But I feel like I’d rather draw a line and ‘end’ things than leave communication open for him to pop up again when he feels like I’m worth his time.

I didn’t hear back from him in the end, I sent a message this morning just checking in and seeing how he was, very light and friendly. He gave me blunt one word replies, I spoke about possible weekend plans and he did the same with non committal, short responses, and showed zero interest - didn’t ask how I was or anything like that.

Right, so it's not healthy you still want to date someone who isn't kind, interested and looking forward to seeing you.

he definitely is acting ‘off’ but I have no idea why.

He's not interested OP and you're wasting precious time and energy on him.

He can't pop up again in a few months if you block him.

If you want to send a message first saying "it's not working for me, but all the best", he's either going to agree (so you're where you are now already) or he's going to say things that imply he'll change and you'll continue this dynamic where you're the chaser and he's the chased. Based on your posts that could continue for quite some time and end up further damaging your self confidence. But I understand some people never block anyone without saying something first,

However, certainly don't send a message "asking" him if you should end things! Why is that his decision? Why are you a passive participant in this?

It sounds like you may have a history of thinking that men are the prize and it's your role to persuade them to stay with you / make sure you're what they want even if it means tying yourself up in knots. It's not healthy and ultimately won't make you happy.

When a relationship is happy and healthy, both partners feel calm about their connection. Not anxious, stressed or feeling they're much more invested than the other person.

Ah bless you
Don't ask him if he wants to end things. Just end things. He's shown you who he is. No need to explain, just say it's not working for you.
This sort of behaviour becomes a pattern. It's no way to live! Listen to the posters who've been here before.
I had a similar relationship between my two marriages and let it go on for too long. Luckily during one of his 'going dark' periods, I met the man who I've since married. I've never experienced that anxiety knot with him. As a previous poster said, it just felt easy.

(The ex still popped up a few times, till I told him to sling his hook. And yes, I had to block him!)

Also to the previous poster who asked about previous relationships - I have had two long term relationships, both ended amicably. He has had a lot more relationships, and has spoken negatively about the ones he has mentioned, and how his previous partners were unpleasant/unkind etc.

Thanks for the responses, I am going to end things. I just feel quite disorientated because we did have a really nice weekend, and everything felt great communication wise for the couple of weeks before then, several lovely dates etc.

he has done this before where he has suddenly seemed really standoffish despite there being nothing noticeable changing. It is making me feel anxious and I know this isn’t a relationship I will ever feel secure in.

part of the reason I wanted to ask him if we should end things is I suppose I would like some sort of explanation or communication from him about why he has suddenly gone cold on me, but I know there isn’t any real point behind that, he will probably deny it and it’ll make me feel worse and more confused.

thanks again for everyone who took the time
to reply. I’ll end things today, and it wouldn’t even surprise me if he ignored that message too. 😕

Thank you for this - it’s definitely the reality check I needed!

Not a rough ride. Just finding someone who doesn't have that behaviour pattern. A lot of people do, but many don't.

Just like anything else, OP needs to make sure that if she has a partner, they are compatible in the ways that matter to them. She doesn't need to put up with someone not contacting her during the working day if that's not what she wants.

I can completely understand this viewpoint - him not texting while at work wasn’t the issue in itself, it was the big random shifts in communication.

My last relationship was with a man who was never really on his phone and we barely texted, that was fine with me as I felt secure in the relationship. With the current man, he switches up quite suddenly, and it leaves me feeling a bit off.

Yes, it's the inconsistency that's bothering you, isn't it, rather than the gaps in communication. It makes sense. We all like to know where we're up to, and we all understand the unsettling feeling of not hearing from someone when you usually would.

I think finding someone who doesn't leave you feeling a bit off is the key!

exactly, I sent a brief polite message explaining that I didn’t feel things were working out between us. I don’t expect a response to be honest and have deleted his number, but I feel better now I am not left in limbo waiting for him to reappear.

You are better off without this jackass. Glad you have finished it.