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Original poster

Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

352 replies

Lill1e · 24/07/2022 00:34

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 24/07/2022 00:38

He has a right to see his children

Spend some time with close friends or family the first few times?

He will also still have to pay maintenance given he is clearly the NRP if he is only seeing them every other weekend. Put a claim in with the CMS. Unless you’re not from the UK

TeapotTitties · 24/07/2022 00:39

My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it.

To be fair, I'd have none of that either, I mean would you?

Would you be happy to only see your kids every other weekend and one day after school?

I'm sorry things are difficult for you, I remember being in exactly your position 23 years ago but we all got through and I can honestly say, it was hard for me to swallow my own emotions and put the kids first but that's what I had to do in order to raise 2 well rounded adults who weren't caught in the middle of their parent's squabbles/divorce.

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 24/07/2022 00:40

You get used to it just full your ‘off’ week with interesting things you couldn’t do if the kids were there.

LampLighter414 · 24/07/2022 00:43

I misread that the agreement was made for every other week so ignore my comments about maintenance. However do spend the first few times keeping busy and in the company of people who can offer some support or just listen to how you are feeling.

Stichintime · 24/07/2022 00:49

Many years ago I had a similar arangement. Every other weekend and every Wednesday night. This felt pretty fair. Also gave me the opportunity for a social life. You'll miss your children, but so will their dad.

Stichintime · 24/07/2022 00:50

So sorry, misread your post. Please ignore!

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 24/07/2022 00:51

Also if your employer is flexible, I work more hours the week the kids are away so I have more time with them when they are with me.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2022 01:10

Obv we don't know if he's a shit, disengaged Disney Dad who'll ignore them half the tien, but generally it's not unreasonable that a loving parent would want to see their kid more than EOW and dinner once a week. I'd also refuse it in his shoes.

How old are the kids? Is a week at a time best for them or could then do say four days at each so it's less, time from each parent?

Floralnomad · 24/07/2022 01:13

They are his children as well and he is as entitled to spend as much time with them as you do . Just because you no longer have feelings for him he is your childrens father .

FuchsAndMöhr · 24/07/2022 01:24

Stichintime · 24/07/2022 00:49

Many years ago I had a similar arangement. Every other weekend and every Wednesday night. This felt pretty fair. Also gave me the opportunity for a social life. You'll miss your children, but so will their dad.

How is it fair?

Would you have said it was fair if you were the one having every other weekend and one evening after school 🤷🏼‍♀️

Walkden · 24/07/2022 01:42

"How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day"

But you had no problem inflicting this feeling/ pain on their dad!

CJsGoldfish · 24/07/2022 01:47

No, you won't 'die' not seeing your children for a week. You will, however, make THEM desperately unhappy and confused if you project this onto them. Which you will absolutely do with this level of drama and emotion.
I know it's not easy but you need to look at it as an opportunity. For YOU. Sure, it's not how you wanted it to be but it is how it is so start looking for things you can do for yourself in that time.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 24/07/2022 01:49

I absolutely do not agree with a lot of the replies, they are all about ‘his rights’ - awful really - what about the children? 50/50 care has no advantage and several disadvantages in terms of children’s wellbeing and welfare. Which is the main thing, not your partner’s ‘rights’. We have no rights, only responsibilities.

StanleyBostitch · 24/07/2022 01:55

Make sure you let your friends and family know how you're feeling and get them to help you plan stuff to do during those first few times when the kids are with their dad. Movies, dinners, coffees, trips to a market, sorting out cupboards, walls. long chats on the phone. Something every day that will help fill in a space. After a while you will adjust and then you'll find that you plan stuff automatically during that time, eg you'll go to book an appointment and you'll pick a day/time when the kids aren't with you and that will help give you things to do. Hugs OP, it's a tough time.

Walkden · 24/07/2022 02:02

"Which is the main thing, not your partner’s ‘rights"

Blatant misandry.

Floralnomad · 24/07/2022 02:03

CherryBlossomAutumn · 24/07/2022 01:49

I absolutely do not agree with a lot of the replies, they are all about ‘his rights’ - awful really - what about the children? 50/50 care has no advantage and several disadvantages in terms of children’s wellbeing and welfare. Which is the main thing, not your partner’s ‘rights’. We have no rights, only responsibilities.

It’s not about his rights , it’s about the rights of the children to spend equal time with both parents . Just because we are mothers it doesn’t give us more right to have time with our children .

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/07/2022 02:56

Horrible husbands are not usually wonderful fathers. He is using his "right" to his children to control you. I am sorry for you and more sorry for the children.
But don't lose hope. He may get a girlfriend or remarry and not have time for his first family. Also, he is unlikely to be able to handle the day-to-day parenting.
Will he take time off from work to take them to the dentist? If they get sick during his week will he stay home or get a GP appt? What about school projects and afterschool activities, such as swimming or clubs? If a birthday falls during "his week" will he arrange a party with invitations, catering, etc.
Chances are he will either defer the event until your week - "Annabella has a toothache. Make her an appointment." Or he will do nothing. "No, I won't take you to an 8am swimming lesson on Saturday. I want to sleep in. Just watch tv or something."

Keep a detailed written record of all these events and screenshot all the emails you get. Then go back to your solicitor with evidence that the children need the stability of a permanent home.

vodkaredbullgirl · 24/07/2022 03:16

My ex had ever other wkend because he decided to move hundreds of miles away. It didn't last more than a year.

SD1978 · 24/07/2022 03:20

The assumption that men don't want to see their kids and only Persue 50/50 out of spite and monetary gain I find really great to swallow. I understand you're upset, but he is also their parent, and going to two nights and one evening a fortnight isn't fair and shouldn't be the accepted norm. It's up to you to find a way that works for you to do things on your week off- work or hobby but assuming it's out of spite or that you won't cope, you will.

MarshaMelrose · 24/07/2022 03:22

Horrible husbands are not usually wonderful fathers. He is using his "right" to his children to control you. I am sorry for you and more sorry for the children.
Will he take time off from work to take them to the dentist? If they get sick during his week will he stay home or get a GP appt?

But he might say the op is a terrible wife. (Sorry op - I'm sure you're lovely). The op has the children 50% of the time. Is she trying to control her husband? Her children might love their father and enjoy being with him. Just as they do their mum.
My father worked and my mum was a SAHP, but he still occasionally took me to the gp and he always took me to all my dental appointments. Fathers are perfectly capable of caring for their children.

deflatedbirthday · 24/07/2022 04:20

Would it work to do 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next. Still 50/50 but less of a gap between you each seeing them?

lickenchugget · 24/07/2022 05:20

CherryBlossomAutumn · 24/07/2022 01:49

I absolutely do not agree with a lot of the replies, they are all about ‘his rights’ - awful really - what about the children? 50/50 care has no advantage and several disadvantages in terms of children’s wellbeing and welfare. Which is the main thing, not your partner’s ‘rights’. We have no rights, only responsibilities.

Thankfully not the view of the courts nowadays. There are plenty of advantages to 50/50. There will always be some disadvantages; it’s a split and will never be absolutely neat, but children don’t belong to their mother.

lickenchugget · 24/07/2022 05:21

Walkden · 24/07/2022 01:42

"How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day"

But you had no problem inflicting this feeling/ pain on their dad!

Absolutely.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 24/07/2022 05:24

OP you'll be fine. Yes you'll miss them but you'll find other things to do to fill your free time and they will get to live between both parents which is a good thing.
you've been through a horrible time and can't see the wood for the trees but you'll be fine.

manysummersago · 24/07/2022 05:34

No advice OP but I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m sorry you’ve had such shitty replies lamenting the unfairness of it all to the poor controlling abusive man.