Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

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Hi everyone just wanted to come back on here as I’ve thought about doing it a lot lately and need advice from other moms in my situation. You’ll see from my OP that I posted back in July 2022 worrying about how I was going to cope with sharing my kids 50/50 with my ex. It has been going on since August 2022 and I’m not finding it any easier. I’m not able to enjoy my week without them cause i miss them so much and since then I’ve met someone new and so when I’m spending my week with the kids, even though I try to do as much as I can just the 3 of us I’m mostly worrying about them thinking I’m replacing their dad. Now I know people will say it’s early days with my new partner but I’ve know him 20+ years so I do know what kind of person he is but i feel like I have failed my children and that kills me from the inside out. I have a lovely new home for them which they said they love and they seem really happy to be with their dad every second week but my whole world has been turned upside down and it’s just getting worse. I’m not getting over this at all. My ex is also in a new relationship so even contemplating going back to him for the kids sake is out of the question. That would make me very unhappy but I would do it to be with my children every day. Has anyone got any advice on how I can see this through and what I should do??? I’m absolutely devastated without my kids they were my life every day before the split. I rarely went out, just to work and spent all my time with them. So did their dad to be honest but he had hobbies like golf and football I had nothing only them. I’m not feeling sorry for myself cause overall I’m a much happier person since I left the marriage which I know is good for the kids but when will this pain in my heart go away????

Hi everyone just wanted to come back on here as I’ve thought about doing it a lot lately and need advice from other moms in my situation. You’ll see from my OP that I posted back in July 2022 worrying about how I was going to cope with sharing my kids 50/50 with my ex. It has been going on since August 2022 and I’m not finding it any easier. I’m not able to enjoy my week without them cause i miss them so much and since then I’ve met someone new and so when I’m spending my week with the kids, even though I try to do as much as I can just the 3 of us I’m mostly worrying about them thinking I’m replacing their dad. Now I know people will say it’s early days with my new partner but I’ve know him 20+ years so I do know what kind of person he is but i feel like I have failed my children and that kills me from the inside out. I have a lovely new home for them which they said they love and they seem really happy to be with their dad every second week but my whole world has been turned upside down and it’s just getting worse. I’m not getting over this at all. My ex is also in a new relationship so even contemplating going back to him for the kids sake is out of the question. That would make me very unhappy but I would do it to be with my children every day. Has anyone got any advice on how I can see this through and what I should do??? I’m absolutely devastated without my kids they were my life every day before the split. I rarely went out, just to work and spent all my time with them. So did their dad to be honest but he had hobbies like golf and football I had nothing only them. I’m not feeling sorry for myself cause overall I’m a much happier person since I left the marriage which I know is good for the kids but when will this pain in my heart go away????

I’m glad you’re happier now then you were back then, I’m glad your kids are happy with the set up and love their new home. I don’t know what to suggest. At the end of the day, as you know, this isn’t about you or your ex, it’s about your kids and it sounds like it’s going the best it can for them. Do you talk to the kids at all when they’re at their dads? Is it worth getting some therapy or talking to a professional about coping mechanisms?

The pain will go away when you stop focusing on your pain and focus on what your children are getting out of being with their dad, from having a man role model that cares for them to having a mum that can fully focus in making her time with them wonderful as she has some time to recover and catch up with chores and herself when they are away.

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around the divorce that may be best discussed with a therapist.

Your kids will be fine. Kids adapt. What is likely to hurt them now is your anxiety which they will pick up on. They need your support and positivity. They need to know you're fine without them, you miss them naturally but pining for them isn't healthy. They will grow up and move out before you know it believe me. What they need now is a caring supportive mum who has her own life as well as enjoys them. You have the best of both worlds really. You haven't messed up your kids but you do need to deal with this anxiety and negativity for their sake as well as yours.

I have tried a few different therapists and have found one I like so have been speaking to her for a while now. I speak to the kids every day when they’re at their dads. We call or FaceTime and text all the time. My GP has me on medications but nothing seems to be helping

Have you talked about your childhood in therapy? I'm wondering if the intense anxiety and feelings of failing your kids come from your own experiences as a child that need working through.

Other than that, sometimes they only way to deal with anxiety is to distract yourself. Find some groups to go to, classes to join. I know it's not easy when you have a week on, week off childcare arrangement, but there should be flexible online courses or local groups that you can dip in and out of? Make a life for yourself away from kids and dating during your own time. Do some meditation to help the anxiety. There's great stuff on the insight timer app.

Your kids will be fine. It's how their parents manage arrangements that makes the difference. They need your positivity.

OP I know how this feels. It is natural to miss your children. Depending on their age, may I suggest a couple of things that helped me too - when it moved to 50/50 I really didn't know what to do with myself. Finding stuff I enjoyed doing was a real life saver. Honestly, try it. The 2nd one is completely your choice to do - I stopped trying to talk to my children as much when they were with their dad - I still text frequently but daily contact kept me in a position of missing them and I was also taking away their time with their dad. Some weeks are still tough for me, but I know that I am a better parent if I have a full life with and without them - because I am happier. Letting go of the sadness took time but I promise, you will get through this.

Also, as mine have got older (early/mid teens) they don't want to spend as much time with me or their dad even when they are here! Friends, extra activities with school, spending time in their bedrooms - they won't stay with you for ever and that's part of growing up. That's why building your happiness is important too.

You are not a bad mother if you enjoy time away from your children either!

Time. That's all that will heal you

The pain will go away when you stop focusing on your pain and focus on what your children are getting out of being with their dad

This. Until you can do this as a bare minimum, you are in no position to imagine you can make decisions 'for the sake of the kids'.

We do 50/50 but do a 2/2/3 arrangement. I wouldnt want week on, week off and nor would my dd. But she was young when we separated. As she gets older she wants to be with me more. Thing is, once they're past 12...they've a legal right to state a preference and be listened to.

For a start you need to stop the daily FaceTimes. It's intrusive of their time with their dad and also not good for your dc to feel they have to do this and know you are sad. Keep your new partner to the week they are at their dad so you can focus on them when they are with you. Join a club or exercise class. Agree some therapy might help too

You know what @Spottycarousel i have often thought of this myself. Both my parents are deceased and although they were fantastic parents who always had our back, they were elderly and set in their ways. Especially my mom. In the back of my mind I have a voice constantly telling me how disappointed in me she would be to break up my family and deep down she would think less of me. I was on my own growing up in the house with both of them although I do have siblings and I always had to do the right thing and be a good girl. It was like I craved approval. Then I met my husband and he was the most critical person I’ve ever met even more than my mom (who I adored btw) but even now I always think of what comment my ex would make about things I do or if I’m running late or do something wrong as everything always had to be done perfect by his standards too. I feel like he still has a say in my life and what I do. I don’t know why I feel like this as my kids do seem happy. One is 18 and the other is now 10 both girls. They really do like my new partner although he doesn’t get involved in their lives much and we always do things as a threesome when they are with me. I’ve known kids of friends who left their marriage and moved their kids straight in with their new boyfriend and girlfriend which didn’t seem to harm them but I also look around and see soo many happy couples and families and feel guilt I couldn’t keep that going for my kids. I don’t know what kind of help I need. I will have to speak to my gp again as my health and appearance have declined rapidly in recent weeks x

Have you always fretted about your children growing up and leaving home? I know you are sharing custody with your exh, but even if you'd stated together your children would leave at some point.

I probably should try to reduce contact during their week at their dads @Tiger2018 it will be so hard but I’ll try for their sakes

Honestly I’d play him at his own game. Get on the dating sites and start going out for dates in the evenings. Try and relish your child free time. If he’s that bothered by the thought of a new man in the family home he’ll be trying his hardest to make sure you don’t have the time to date and those kids we’ll be delivered back to your doorstep quick smart.

Not obsessively like now but I do think about it and know I will miss them desperately but it’s something that can’t be helped I want them to grow into strong minded and kind adults and don’t want to have done anything to prevent them turning out like that

She already has a new man. And her ex has a new woman. Her children are happy spending a week at their father's. Why would you want the op to lessen her children's happiness? That's certainly not what the op wants.

Op, I think you sound far from being a bad mum. You sound fantastic. Despite the pain it's giving you, you're putting your children's happiness before your own. You mum might have been disappointed that your, and her, dream of family life didn't work out as you both expected it would, but she'd be super proud of how you're handling yourself now.

So toxic. Also, have you even read the thread? Or even just the OPs updates??

Put the kids first. It has to be about them. Whatever happened in the marriage and why you ended and remember you chose to rightly or wrongly, put the kids first. They will thank you more than you ever know for putting their happiness first. Two many people put their own happiness first but we lose that right when we have kids. They need you to allow them to love you both. Of course you will miss them but we all have to let our kids go in time anyway. The biggest reward is when they come back because they love you and want to. They will always need you especially if they know how much you love them and want their happiness above all

It’s about the kids rights, not anyone else. I have been through this as a child and I am still so hurt by being weaponised to make one person feel happy. Btw that person is still a narcissist.

I agree, it’s a horrible assumption

That is such a huge assumption. My dad wasn’t great but I loved him dearly and my mother used me as a weapon to hurt and try and erase him. 50 years on the pain still haunts my relationship with her. All I know is she put herself first and continues to do so . The damage is lifelong

Just mirroring the OP surely who is only concerned with herself and is actively wishing her children to suffer so she gets what she wants

"I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much"