Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day.

And why should he also be forced into that?

50/50 care has no advantage and several disadvantages in terms of children’s wellbeing and welfare.

You are wrong. Both I and my DH have 50/50 care of our children with our exes, which works perfectly well with the advantage of all children getting equal time with their parents.

Quite often these arrangements seem to change ,as the Dad may meet a new partner or find a Week sole parenting harder than they thought it would be! Women seem to usually be caregivers .It may conversely work the other way and you will have a week to yourself ,Something a lot of mums would like!

How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day.

But you're happy to inflict that on their dad?

Take a breath, pull your socks up and plough on.

50/50 split is increasingly common and in all honesty I support it. Give it time and give it a chance. He sounds like an awful partner but what is he like as a dad?

If the kids don’t like it you can go back and ask for an amendment but at least give it a chance. My understanding is you now have three months to contest the decision if it doesn’t work?

You 2 have split, he hasn't split from the children. You say you believe he wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, but honestly maintenance is such a small percentage he'd be far better off financially and time wise if he wasn't actually arsed on seeing them to just pay it. Sadly you need to find a way to adjust to your new life.

They’re his kids as well and sadly this is the reality of divorce . I have been through this and it’s very hard at first but you do get used to it . The hardest part for me are the foreign holidays , mine just been away for over two weeks . Desperate to see them now ❤️

Was he abusive? How was he with the children @Lill1e ?

The first weeks will be difficult for everyone, but remember, you also need this time off to catch up with yourself, the house chores, work and rebuild your life because believe me raising children 24/7 on your own is relentless so having some time for yourself while the kids are away could actually help you to be a much better parent, as nobody can parent well when exhausted and overly stressed.

You may be surprised though… my ex stopped 50/50 and requested every other weekend as soon as I found a boyfriend, and stopped contact altogether as soon as he moved on.

This.

And you won't die. You'll adjust because you have to. Don't let your children feel any of these dramatics.

Another poster’s suggestion of 3/4 one week and 4/3 the next is a good one so you don’t have the long gap.

I'm struggling to find any sympathy for the OP really.

She wanted a divorce, he only did what we advise every woman to do and he's an arsehole for doing that?

The children are entitled to see their father and I find it a bit rich that the OP felt the father should be happy with four days out of fourteen.

You wanted to get divorced, this is the reality.

My partner shares 50/50 with his ex, and it works very well. They do half the week each and then rotate weekends so children are not away for too long. When the kids are older they might want to spend more time at one home.

Before meeting my partner I was a lone parent without shared custody while working and studying with no family nearby. It was incredibly difficult - almost impossible to meet people and date. I would have killed to share custody with another competent parent!

Pretty much this.

OP, sounds like you're desire for a divorce didn't consider all ramifications.

You'll just have to live with it now.

This. They aren't only your children. You don't have more of a right to them because you gave birth. If you wouldn't be happy only seeing your kids EOW and once a week, why should he?

I've just seen that the OP wants to tell her solicitor that she no longer wants to share custody.

It doesn't work like that OP, the children have two parents.

It gets easier. Your children have a right to spend equal time with their parents, you are doing what’s best for them, not for you.

Today's news item from the BBC about families and divorce

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-62272688

I would not have agreed to it in the first place, go to a solicitor. As you said just wants to get out of paying.

There is absolutely zero evidence for this

You can't just tell the solicitor that you don't want to share custody. You would be doing that based on how YOU feel. Unless there is a reason that your children shouldn't be in contact with their dad, then I don't really see the fairness.

She’s perfectly entitled to do this and let a court decide what is best for the children (the children, not the parents!). It really depends on the background whether that’s a good course of action which she hasn’t elaborated on. It’s not about OP being punished because she instigated a divorce, or about an equal split so that it’s fair to the parents, it’s about maintaining stability for the children and providing them with the best option. That isn’t 50/50 in all cases

Quite often these arrangements seem to change ,as the Dad may meet a new partner or find a Week sole parenting harder than they thought it would be!

Sweeping generalisation. Mum might also find a new partner or find it harder than she expects.

Why on earth are you hoping the arrangement will fail. You should want your children to have a great (and equal) relationship with both parents. Would you have been happy with him telling you that you should have access only every other weekend and i evening - i suspect not

😂 it’s misandry not to prioritise a man over his children! Have a word with yourself for god sake.

The ‘equality’ of parents is nonsense. Of course (most) mothers will have a closer, stronger bond with their babies. They were literally joined together for 9 months, and if you go on to breastfeed and be a SAHM they absolutely will be closer to mum than dad. It’s a biological system that evolved over millions of years that doesn’t care about making things equal.

You sound like you think OP should be punished for wanting a divorce?