Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

Of course you are going to be feeling awful, it’s really really hard right now, and sounds like you have had a really tough divorce which you must also still be reeling from. I have been there.

My ex and I have divorced 5 years ago and have 50/50 custody. I absolutely didn’t want to not see my kids and it was really difficult, and still can be hard not being with them day to day. I worried that ex wouldn’t be great having to manage them on his own in his time but actually he totally stepped up and has mostly been great with them.

I did some reading at the time and there’s research showing that, from all the kids with separated / divorced parents, those who spend time equally with both are better adjusted and do better in life than those who don’t. This is providing both homes are safe and loving. Kids are better off knowing both parents want to spend time with them equally rather than growing up believing one parent is less interested in seeing them. Didn’t make not seeing them less hard for me but helped to believe it was ultimately better for them.

Ex and I do however split the week rather than do a whole week with/ without them. it may be worth talking to your ex about this- a week is a long time for the kids to go without seeing either parent, as well as long for both of you to not see them.

To help me, I made sure I made lots of plans for my child free time- first nights my 2 best friends came round with lots of wine! I work full time so that helped and at weekends I made plans to go out in day / evening, visited free galleries, walks around town, staying with friends who live away and so on. Lots of times I did this on my own too. Kept busy. Also having some space, peace and time to get over the horribleness of the last year or so if the marriage and the divorce was helpful.

Once we had fallen into a routine and we had all got used to it, I actually realised not having the kids all the time can be a good thing for me too. I still miss them when they are not with me but I have a good life and so do they.

if yours are old enough to have phones then you can still have daily contact- I have a WhatsApp group with my two so we can message together as well as 1:1. If the kids need me they call and we can talk things through on the phone. Ex and I are relaxed enough with each other now that I can go over and see them in his time and sometimes we do stuff altogether.

Sorry, long post, but wanted to share to say that it can be ok, and you can get positives from a shit situation. Take a massive breath and make a plan for yourself- you will be ok x

I agree with this. I live in a country where the standard is 50/50 in the last decade or so and the starting part. Maintenance is still paid on top of that as we do it based on a discrepancy in income plus special expenses are shared pro rata like childcare etc. Most men still opt for 50/50.

It’s not easy, but try to appreciate the time you have without them too. Single parenting 24/7 is really hard. Relentless. The best thing you can do for the
children is to co parent I’m a friendly amicable way. You won’t feel
like doing it now, it’s too raw, but down the line is the way forward. If you can your ex can be ‘friends’ for the sake of the children, it makes their lives much much easier.

If you think the dad only wants 50/50 to get out of maintenance then this set-up won't last very long and you'll probably end up with them back with you and he'll see them at the weekends like most dads.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots I disagree , there has been support on this thread but also some very real and practical advice. It is wrong for the op to assume that her dc father would simply go from seeing his dc every day to 4 days a fortnight.
We only know what the op has supplied us with, nothing to suggest he is a bad or unloving father.
unfortunately this is the reality of her situation and the drama of “I’m going to die without seeing my children” needs addressed in order that her emotions are not transferred to her dc.

Yes, putting the children’s best interests first = misandry.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots

There is very little information in the op to suggest the partner is abusive. Even the no maintenance comment is a suggestion from the op to the father's motives but plenty of threads advise separating partners not to move out of the family if they want to have joint custody.

Ok he insisted the house be sold but that also means both parties can rehouse fairly and it always going to be awkward living together during a separation.

There's an automatic assumption on by some posters that they are separating due to abuse, and the only reason the dad wants 50:50 I'd to get back at the OP rather than caring about his kids.

This is blatant misandry and perpetuating harmful sterotypes

My kids went to ex one night in the week and Fri-Sun which was hard. I got a part time job, spent time with family/friends general kept busy. We alternated Xmas too, the first year I didn't have them I volunteered in a homeless shelter. Ex got bored of the 4 nights within a year and switched to every other weekend and one night in the week. When they hit teens he moved away and only saw them about once a month. Now they are adults he sees them ever few months. Never paid maintenance. If you think it's about money and you can afford not to have it you could offer him less time with kids but say you won't chase him for maintenance.

Yes, putting the children’s best interests first = misandry.

One way of putting it. Another is equal access by dad = harmful to his own kids = misandry.

You'll get through this and it will be okay.

Make lots of plans for your week. I do days not weeks but I joined a gym and hang out there all evening doing classes, in the sauna etc

If you want to piss your ex off, nothing better than really enjoying your free time. In future you will see what a gift he has given you. A whole week to relax and rediscover your pre-child you, socialise, date if you want to. Eventually you will meet someone else and this childcare pattern will be very good for balancing time with the kids and time with your new partner. You can go away on holidays without childcare issues. So many advantages.

I would keep telling him what a great idea of his it was and how much you are enjoying your free week. He is so clever etc.

You have all of my sympathy op.
The replies here very harsh, but my x was cut from a similar cloth and I predict you will end up having the dc 80% of the time.

X

Ps, agree with the poster before my previous post. Enjoy your free time as much as you can. For you first and foremost, but also, with his mindset right now he sees having the children as a win, if you enjoy your free time and don't hide that you enjoyed the break, he'll be dialling back on the shared custody before you can say "but I can't this week".
X

@ArcticSkewer

Why should she want to Piss him off for wanting to be a father to his own kids? She left him remember?

I would not have agreed to it in the first place, go to a solicitor. As you said just wants to get out of paying. X

So sorry there has been some nasty responses.

I’m two years on from separation and learning to cope without having the kids all the time. I won’t lie, the early days were pretty awful. Here’s what I’ve learned for weekends without kids:

• Avoid parks - anywhere with kids


• Go to the cinema late on sat / sun


• Plan all your shopping and meal prep on those weekends


• find friends who are in the same boat but be prepared that they’ll drift in and out of your life as new partners come on the scene.


• reach out to GP if you start becoming depressed

Id also say that my ex barely ever manages to have the kids for a full weekend. So on paper it’s 50:50 but in reality I have them far more. I don’t mention money etc to keep the peace & just enjoy being with my kids.

Or he loves his children as much as OP does.

Did you ask the kids what arrangements they would be happy with?

your children have a right to spend equal time with both parents

both parents have to accept they are no longer together and will have to both have periods of time without their children

better to focus on parenting together somehow and organising your life so you move on with this arrangement

it’s a good job you get to see them more than eow and one night in the week

Because she thinks he's just doing it out of spite and to avoid paying maintenance?

Living her best life on her alternate week off is win-win.

She gets time to date, go to the gym, on holiday, socialise, and if he is doing it for any reason other than to spend time with his kids, that will annoy him more than ever and he'll soon find a way to reduce the hours. If he's genuine, he won't even notice and will like the praise

Men are very easy.

Every other week is actually a much better arrangement for op as he can't easily change it subtly. No 'oh I can't do this midweek' or 'can you collect them after school, it's no big deal'

There’s absolutely no way for anyone to know this.

So many women think children are primarily theirs, and that they should stay in the same home, with all the kids, with the same money, basically just the father lifts out but everything else remains with the mother.

Exactly this. Awful replies on this thread!