Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

Please don't do this. It's awful for the children. They don't have enough time to 'settle' at either home. They don't know if they're coming or going half the time.

Even worse is parents who alternate nights at their separate homes. Every young child I know who was subjected to this was so messed up and it really showed at school. Their anxiety levels were off the charts daily as you got closer and closer to pick up time because they didn't know who was coming and who wasn't, etc.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. This is exactly why so many women stay in unhealthy or abusive relationships, even with people on MN shouting at them to LTB.

You need to do what's best for the children, in terms of both the custody arrangement and in terms of how you comport yourself in front of them.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it must be awful. But you must prioritise them and not use them as pawns in any way, however badly you're hurting.

Just let him know that you are looking forward to your free week so that you can start dating again.

He will do anything to ensure that you have no child-free time.

How old are the dc? How much hands on parenting did he do when you were together? What is the DC's relationship with their dad like? 50/50 isn't always in the best interests of the child and that's what needs looked at.

@BungleandGeorge
You write, You are perfectly entitled to let the courts decide..
If you read today's news story that I posted it is clear that Family Courts don't have the time or want to be involved in custody issues like this. Parents can choose to have a child together and from then on, except in the case of abuse, they are expected to parent together. Read the news item below
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-62272688

Pointless speculation and projection.

Terrible advise.

Don’t play games just get on with it.

Not necessarily. More likely he will meet a younger gf tbh.

How much care did he do before the split? If not much, it's highly likely this arrangement will fail and he will dump them back with you asap when he realises how much work is involved. Also fill your week with exciting, fun stuff where you possibly can - a controlling man observing this will immediately move to clip your wings and the arrangement will fail.

My ex didn't and doesn't have as much right to be the children of our marriage as much as I do. He brought nothing but chaos to the family home and never prioritised us. He always put himself first and complained bitterly about any contribution he was expected to make. Therefore I would have fought tooth and nail to prevent 50/50 and do not see him as an equal parent.

OP if he's a good father generally, then as hard as it is and I get it I really do, this arrangement will succeed and you'll all be happy and functioning healthily but it will take time to get to that point.

I'd absolutely hate this so I do get where you're coming from though.

My thoughts exactly.

Dads shouldn't be expected to give up time with their children. The OP's spouse didn't ask to be in this situation.

No. It sounds like OP thinks her kids and her ex should be punished because she wanted to divorce by having their relationships damaged by her idea of fair.

Thankfully there was none of this '50 50' stuff when I split with my youngest's dad 15 years ago. We split whilst I was pregnant and yep, he wanted 50 50. And yes, he wanted this to avoid paying maintenance and surprise surprise he was also abusive towards me

He didn't get it and he has our child every other weekend. As a result, our son has had a stable and nice upbringing - something my ex would have not been able to do on a 50 50 basis.

I know it's the 'fashion' these days but I don't think it helps children at all. They are better with a stable base and that base is usually (not always of course) with their mother

It's easy to say 'aww poor menz, only getting weekend etc' but it's always controlling men going after their 'rights' as opposed to what's best for their kids.

So I understand OP. And I'd go back to the solicitor and say you have changed your mind. Tell your solicitor you won't pursue extra maintenance - if you're in a position to do this

This isn't a sit-com, it's her actual life.

What a deeply misogynistic post. MN is horrendous at times.

In terms of custody arrangements, the only thing that really matters for children is to maintain a good relationship with both parents. There are any number of practical ways that this can happen, and it certainly doesn’t depend on parents having equal time with both parents. After all, in families where the parents are together, that doesn’t mean both parents see the children equally: one parent might regularly work away, or work late, or whatever. So the idea that a 50:50 split is the only way for both parents to maintain a good relationship is not true. It’s damaging if the drive to ensure a 50:50 split trumps every other consideration. It’s not the time that counts, it’s the quality of the relationship.

All families are different and what ends up working in practice will depend on so many factors - children’s ages, distance from the two homes to school, parents’ jobs, children’s temperament etc etc.

The single most important factor in ensuring a healthy outcome for the children is to create a positive and amicable co-parenting relationship. Acrimony and conflict between parents is incredibly damaging. The specific details of where the children live day to day are far less important than the atmosphere that is around them.

From the news this am

Too many divorce cases are going to court and the language used there is too hostile, a leading judge has said.

Sir Andrew McFarlane - who is head of family courts in England and Wales - estimated one fifth of marriage break-ups were wrongly ending up in court with one partner suing the other.

It's easy to say 'aww poor menz, only getting weekend etc' but it's always controlling men going after their 'rights' as opposed to what's best for their kids.

Again, not true at all. Do you have the stats on this? Can men not truly love their children and want to see them as much as possible without being 'controlling'. I really wish MN and women, in general, would stop with the controlling trope, it's ridiculous at best and damaging at worst.

Sorry you've had an experience with a 'controlling' man, but that's not always the case and I'd wager not even the case 50% of the time. My ex is a decent man who loves his kids. My DH is a decent man who loves his kids. Nothing about control.

Depends on their ages my 9 year old would know the days of the week and when they were going to each parents house . A very young child I agree it would be disorientating.

So the idea that a 50:50 split is the only way for both parents to maintain a good relationship is not true. It’s damaging if the drive to ensure a 50:50 split trumps every other consideration. It’s not the time that counts, it’s the quality of the relationship.

That's true, but that should not be purely decided on the wants of the mother.

Would you be happy to only see your kids every other weekend and one day after school?

Exactly what I was going to say! They are his children just as much as yours. Why was your proposed access arrangement ok, but this one not?

That doesn't make things any easier for you, of course. It will be a difficult adjustment and I'd be heartbroken too.

@CornishGem1975 I don't have the stats, I'm not a statistician. I'm merely giving MY opinion just as you're giving yours.

I don't think it's in the best interests of children (again, as I said, this is generally speaking, there's always exceptions) to have 50 50 care and I stand by that as MY point of view.

We have no idea what your ex is really like if I’m honest DH and I have lived in the same house for many years and I would hate the thought of another woman in the house where we raised the children if we broke up and I’m not usually sentimental.

You have not specified the reason for your divorce and what he is actually like with the children.

Indeed.