Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

OP please ignore some of these horrible posts -@MooPoo89 people don’t leave a marriage for no reason, it takes a lot of courage and strength to start from scratch, please be gentle in your comments as we know nothing of what the marriage was like and why the op left.

OP - as long as there is stability and a regular routine in both homes the children will adapt. Your ex may step up and co-parent well with you so as long as there is no reason not to (eg abuse) you can at least try this arrangement. If you are confident it is just to avoid maintenance then I would let him know that now separation/finances are sorted you are keen to all move on and won’t pursue him for any money, and if you are right I’d imagine having them the full 50% of the time will dwindle. In the meantime you will have good and bad days when they aren’t with you, fill your time as much as you can with people and activities, you won’t feel like it but it’s far better to be distracted than sat at home alone.

Op in the nicest way, find a hobby. You won't die. Maybe a week on week off wasn't the best, there are other ways of doing 50/50.

I don't personally think it's fair to "offer" the other parent EOW because it's not like the mother owns the kids and allows the dad to see them, although a lot of mumsnet seems to think they do.

Most women wouldn't accept EOW so why do we expect men to? We woilsnt say a woman only wanted half the time to not pay maintenance, would we? No.

Sorry you are having a difficult time OP. Try to focus on making this split and the new arrangements as easy as possible for the children. They are the priority. Try to spend the time doing something positive that you couldn’t do with them being around. Good luck going forward.

Yeah but it’s not about the man or woman it’s about what’s best for the children

I have no idea of the legalities of the situation and i agree with other posters that their dad has a right to see them BUT i understand how you must feel.

I have 6 children and the though if only seeing them 1 week out of 2 would be heartbreaking i have cared for them and held them every single day since they were born in a way my dh hasnt - obviously i dont know the arrangements you had with your dh.

My kids would find it really difficult to go in between homes regularly like this as 2 of them have autism and even if they didnt it would be awkward changing where you live every week surely. I think i would insist that the kids stay put in their house and you and dh swap out weekly rather than them. That way you both get to see them and they have some level of stability.

My ex husband left me a few years ago and did not want 50/50 with the kids, agree to see them only every other weekend because as he told me he is entitled to have a life on his own. Only agree to take the kids for holiday 2 weeks out of his 6 weeks holiday. It took me a year to have him to take the kid one evening during the week, he much prefer to pay maintenance than having to spend more time with his kids but he consider himself a great dad. At the moment his new girlfriend has 3 kids around same age than ours and he spent roughly the same amount of time with his next girlfriend,'s kids than his, the kids don't talk to each other when they meet except for my youngest withher youngestt are they are same age. My only consolation is now because he spent more time with the new girlfriend and her kids he had put on a lot of weight, really a lot of weight, same for the girlfriend .it is hard to be separated from your kids, that they are going to have first experiences when you won't be there for it but the new partner of your ex will. It is heartbreaking

OP initiated divorce doesn't equal abuse of any kind. I can't see any reason in the initial post to assume he is unfit father. It is normal to want an even split in the divorce, it is normal to want to be an equal parent to his kids. Bad husbands absolutely can be great fathers. We don't know why they got divorced and unless he was abusive to kids there is no reason to assume he won't do a good job parenting them 50% of the time.
The only advice here to OP is to try to control your separation anxiety in front of the kids. It must be hard enough for them without their mother proclaiming she 'will die' if they go away to see their father for a week. Don't burden them with your emotions on the subject.

When a divorce/separation happens why does it generally come down to 'my husband is abusive' and 'my wife is mentally unstable'. There is often a lot of acrimony - hurt parties, emotions running high etc. that it becomes all together too easy to use and spin any behaviour to fulfil a narrative and justify your take on the situation. It's understandable but unfair.

Why women think they should have the house, the children and money from the partner is beyond me. There are two parents. It isn't automatically right that the man be the one to have reduced contact. There are plenty of men I know who love and care for their children - I want to say as much as the mum does but that paints a narrative that men shouldn't be expected or have to love and care for their children. Why is it accepted children come down the ladder of importance for a dad. The bonding for a dad can be as strong and the need to spend time with children as visceral. Isn't it time to change that expectation and give dads the chance of 50/50

I agree with the previous poster who said that it paints the wrong message for sons as they grow up and, perhaps, come from a home where the dad has moved out. If the expectation is that the dad ought to be OK with eow and one night a week, doesn't that teach the next generation that dads aren't as important? Isn't it time to break the chain?

Mums should't automatically be the default parent.
Dads shouldn't automatically be expected to give up time with their children.

@ErinAoife

Yes but OP is actually the reverse of your situation - she is the one who left her spouse and wants him to have far less time with the kids not more.

Have you taken into consideration the school routines?

With this in mind exh and I have the following;
Mon - Fri dd lives at mine( including staying Fri night)
2 weekday evenings he picks her up to spend time and do tea then drops her off for bath and bed time.
Weekends are that I take DD swimming Saturday morning, then around 2/3pm she goes to her dad's until Sunday evening. Every other weekend he picks her up straight from swimming in morning, so I get 2 Saturdays a month where I spend much more time with her and get to have a nice weekend day out with her before taking her to her dad's.
So although she lives with me, the morning routines for school do not change, and she still sees her dad twice a week for tea after school and stays 1 night at the weekend but spends nearly all Saturday and Sunday with him.
Some weekends he will ask if he can have her Friday night (such as this weekend) and I'm more than happy, some weekends I have a family event and so I'll have her longer.

The main thing is keeping the school routine the same. And it keeps out work routines the same. We use a childminder for wraparound care.

On this basis I have claimed no maintenance, we both pay half childcare fees for wraparound and he will happily pay half costs for things like uniforms and clothes on an ad hoc basis. Most the time I don't ask to be honest.

Could you do something like this?

Could you not do a different schedule to one week on one week off ? Like one week you have Monday , Tuesday Wednesday , the next you have Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday. I wouldn't be happy with one week on, one week off.

This. You won't die either. You will adapt over time and learn to enjoy your time to yourself. Please don't show any indication of these dramatics to your children. Send them off with a big smile

Sorry but you have no evidence of any of that. For all you know, the OP is an overly dramatic narcissist. This is not about her or her ex - it is about a father who wants to spend time with his children. According to the prevailing MN mantra, if he wants his children he's only doing it for the money, and if he doesn't he irresponsible and a bad parent. But women who want to hang on to their children are good mothers (never doing it for the money). Really, making children a battleground for divorce is bad parenting on both sides! There are two parents and equally shared parenting is both fair and responsible. Absolutely nobody dies because their children spend time with their other parent.

What has been the arrangement up until now about who cares for them? How old are they, old enough to have a preference? You don’t have to agree to the arrangement if you don’t think it’s in the interests of the children. Generally a court would look at what is best for them in continuing a stable home life, rather than ensuring it’s ‘fair’ to the parents

@Lill1e
My cousin done this, but the week she had them dad got them on and Friday night and the week he had them she got them on a Friday night could you maybe do that.

Me and oh had a really really bad fallout a few years back that he moved back with his parents. He smoked a lot of weed and done absolutely nothing with ds who wasn’t even 1. I done everything. Even getting up every hour with ds and he would sleep through(was like I was a single parent) tried talking to him multiple times about how I felt n about stopping smoking. I eventually cracked went nuts to the point a neighbour called the polis. To start he only got a few nights because I knew his mum was there(she done night shift so was only twice a week) he’d also given up the weed and was actually doing the stuff he should have been doing with ds from day 1 so we agreed he could have him every other night. I had terrible mum guilt to start with but was great in the long run. I got back to college and was able to see friends more often. When we started talking again he admitted he felt bad and that he had missed out on so much with ds. I also think if a father is able and capable they should get to see their kids as much as possible. After all they helped create them. I felt that way before I met oh. I also have older ds who’s dad wasn’t there at-all couldn’t give a monkey’s. Have male friends who’s exs don’t let them see kids just because they fell out, and would die just to be with their kid and the mothers play games ie. Only lets them have their kid because the can’t get a babysitter. Me and oh eventually got back together and now have another ds and I could not ask for a better dad for my kids now he’s sorted himself out. Oh doesn’t even drink now

Yes. I'd prob prefer that.

So sorry OP. It must be so hard for you.

Is he an engaged enthusiastic dad or will he just stick them in front of the tv with a takeaway?

"I will die not being able to see them every day." No. No you won't.

"should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody." Eh? What does that stupid suggestion achieve?

This is the reality of breaking up a marriage, OP. I did it too, but waited until the children were old enough to choose whom they wanted to spend their time with. I couldn't even countenance the idea of not being with them every day when they were younger. Not that this helps you, but I sympathise.

My understanding is that 50:50 isn't great for children, so it's possible that the arrangement will change once it's actually happening.

Who has done the majority of the childcare until now, OP? If it's you, you can very reasonably argue that this status quo needs to be maintained. If it has largely been shared, then 50:50 would be the most likely outcome. If your ex husband has done most of it, he could reasonably try to push for you having the children EOW and one night per week. The previous arrangements play quite a big role.

See how it goes. I know it's not the same but when my DS used to go on holiday with my DF I used to work extra hours and do stuff so I could bank the time for when he was back.

When your ex has his week he does everything that week. All the appointments, all the parties. He parents them. He may be good at it.

If he isnt or if he gets a girlfriend he may want a different arrangement.

sorry you're feeling so raw about it all OP, but tbh selling the house so you can both make a fresh start seems like a good idea to me. And for the children 50/50 with 2 engaged parents is a good base to start from no matter how much you think you will die without them (that is a huge pressure to put on your kids, i hope you're not saying that to them or conveying that to them in any way)

I believe that children need stability and security

Stability? 50/50 with a predictable plan is stability.

OP, I think you adjust but it takes time. Read The Co-Parenting Handbook (or similar).

I’m the opposite as my ex only has DD EOW and refuses to do more or pay proper maintenance. It makes it tricky to earn money as I work school hours, school holidays are all on me, socialising, exercising and dating is hard as I only have 2 nights a fortnight to go out. It’s for a few short years but it isn’t easy this way round either.

There are advantages for everyone when the workload of parenting is properly shared. I would find things to do when your kids aren’t with you and you will be fine… whether it be work, exercise, social stuff or some combination of all of them!

Many children prefer to have a base rather than being moved from one house to another every week. This is also the main reason why contact becomes more irregular during teenage.

A 50/50 agreement only works when both parents are in good terms and putting their children first, a parent who is not pleasant, who is doing 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance or exercise control over kids and ex is going to cause more damage in a 50/50 situation than if the contact time is less.

OP, how old are your kids? I suggest you are there for them and enjoy your time with them as much as you can, DS and I had a magical time when we were together as I could concentrate fully on him having completed all chores and pending stuff while he was with his dad. Both parents should conciliatory if they kids have a problem with the other parent but also be there ready to stand by the kids if things go badly and it is not in their interests having so much contact with the other parent, wether that is mum or dad.

After a very ugly custody battle my ex and I settled on a split where I had them 8 nights out of 14. I found it very hard at first and to be honest I was very worried about them because he had been abusive towards me and had a very bad temper. They were 3 and 5 at the time. So I know how hard it is and I can't tell you that it will be easy at first. It has been 9 years and my kids are absolutely fine. They know we both love them and that they are our priority. They have a good relationship with both of us. Not seeing them every day is something you get used to over time. For me it has actually made me a better parent because it is not as relentless - being a single parent is not easy and having a break made me more patient and kind. I do get upset when I read commenters saying that splitting custody is bad for kids - how do they know this? What's it based on? Is having a father who is around once in a while and pushed to the edges good for kids? I have seen so many kids whose fathers step away and that is really bad for them. Knowing they have two parents who would each love to have them all the time and that this is the compromise is comforting to my children. And having happy, loved, settled children is comforting to me. And the break is a bonus, now that I am used to it.

OP I hope this is helpful - it is coming from someone who has been where you are. Take care of yourself.