Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

I’d be heartbroken too OP.

We used to see our dad every other weekend and alternate Mondays. He didn’t care and left us with our new stepmum. Went on a 2 week hol with him every summer. I’d be desperate to get back to my mum.

I couldn’t leave my DC with their dad. He’d forget about them as he’d be too busy concentrating on himself.

No parent has a RIGHT to see their children. In 1975 when my parents split us kids got asked by a family judge (he was in robes by the way. Not sure what that was about) what we wanted to happen.

None of the PPs suggesting the OP should be able to dictate how often the father sees their children ARE putting the children first though. They're putting the mother first. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that their father is neglectful or abusive to the children, and you'd assume OP would have mentioned that if so. Parents have an equal right to see and care for their children.

OP - listen to me when I say this - you did NOT 'sell' your children to get on with your life - that is not what happened.

You absolutely had no choice - you had to get away from this marriage and this man for your sanity, for your ability to parent your children and your right to have a life free from control and unpleasant behaviour

Yes this is a very shit situation - but approach it as calmly as possible - deep breath - start a legal fight if you think they would be better off with you as main carer - start working towards that.

For now - your children need to believe you are okay with this - stay calm, get a therapist - and use the time you aren't with them to either do things that improve your mental health - or make more money.

This may sound macarbe but it could be worse - your children are alive, they love you, they are loved, you are their mum - they will cope, your husband might get bored and pass them back to you.

Pardon. No parent has a right to see their children?! Of course they do. In absence of abuse or neglect, that's literally what every court in the land would decide, as in this case.

My children see their dad most weekends and half the school holidays. He also comes to all school events.
But then again I'm not selfish and put the needs and what's best for my children before my own.

It's got to be better for the dc, seeing their dad fifty per cent of the time. And if it's better for them then that will help you cope without them.

I have three children in my year two class who fizz with excitement every other Friday because it's their weekend with their dad. The whole day is an absolute write off for one boy. He's like a cat on a hot tin roof all day long.

^What time is it?
How long is it until lunch time?
What about now?
If he finishes this really fast can he make his dad a card?
What time is it now?
How many minutes until home time?
Can he go at the front of the line?^

That's not how it should be. One parent swooping in every other weekend and the children longing and longing to see them. It's bloody awful.

It isn't always better. So naive to say 'it's got to be better that they see their dad 60% of the time''

The picture the OP painted of her ex makes him sound controlling and inflexible. A father determined not to pay maintenance. A husband who would not move out of the house and who spied on his ex and made her feel a prisoner.

Do people think that this guy will be a great selfless father

No parent has a RIGHT to see their children. In 1975 when my parents split us kids got asked by a family judge (he was in robes by the way. Not sure what that was about) what we wanted to happen

Things have thankfully moved on in the last forty years. It's an absolutely terrifying thought that you could split up from your child's parent and not se them again!

Parents do have rights in 2022.

They're his kids as much as they're yours, though? You will cope, you won't die. You need to develop interests outside them to fill your time when they're with their dad.

Most houses are sold and the money split now. There was a time where the mother could stay in the home and the dad would get weekends but that's not the way it is anymore.

He has to be able to have the opportunity to provide a home for the kids too.

On MN we often advise women to stay in the house, don't leave the house. Maybe he had had the same advice.

Hi op, it’s shit. My way around it was basically I knew money was more important to exH than it was to me. Therefore I forgo getting maintenance and have negotiated a pattern with the children that is 5 days per week with me. If you think your ex is doing it so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance would it be worth having that conversation with him?

A neighbour of ours has 50-50 with her ex but they don't do every week, they do a four-day, three-day routine. I think he has the kids something like Mon-Wed and she has them Wed-Fri, then they alternate weekends. So one week she has them Wed-Mon and the next he has them Fri-Wed. It sounds complicated but they soon got into the swing of it and their children are happy and settled. Maybe something to consider?

How old are your children?

I also know a family where the dad happily accepted EOW and one night in the week because he had a busy job he put first and their DC are really suffering from barely seeing their dad. The eldest has developed serious behavioural issues and just been excluded from school.

Iif a 50:50 split and if both parents are equally involved in their DCs lives and equally share responsibility and stick with it, then that is why decision made is as it is.

But to answer your question OP
How to fill your time and make the most of it when you don't have DCs with you?

Think about what you used to enjoy before you had DCs
Those hobbies and events you used to do to and love.
The hobbies you always wanted to try but had no time for
Places you wanted to visit but can't take DCs with you or you know DCs would tire easily and whinge about ...

Go kayaking , go swimming or to leisure centre, get a gym membership
Go away some weekends
Go dating
Take up art or yoga or Tia chi
Get in your car and visit cities you want to and get theatre tickets
Find single fiends on meet up groups to go with you if none of your current friends are around or free to go with you
Renovate/ decorate your new home- use the spare time as house project time

The first few months are the hardest as everyone adjusts. It after then you might feel it gets easier and that you are glad as you may feel you can be a more chilled (less exhausted) mum with this arrangement. It sounds like it's a done deal anyway so you may as well get in with it.

We don't know what he will be like, but they are his children.

Are you suggesting that people lose custody of their children because they are twats? He is still their father.

Offering four days out of every fourteen days isn't reasonable.

Nor is wanting to keep the house and the money tied up in the house while the other person doesn't get any.

He didn't say he didn't want to pay maintenance.

I'm not on his side at all, but I don't want a system where parents can't see their children if they split up.

This. I'm a massive feminist but I think assuming men shouldn't have 50/50 care as a starting point is both unreasonable and an own goal from a feminist perspective.

It's great that men want to be in their childrens lives as an equal parent.

You need to re-frame this in your own head. It's only the way you are choosing to look at this that is the problem here.

The thing is, it isn't really about whats 'fair' to the adults, it's about what's right for the children. I don't know how old they are, I've maybe missed it, but EOW and a day a week after school still allows them to have one stable base. Whereas 2 homes can be too much for younger kids. Obviously it depends on the child themselves, we don't know anything about them.

Sorry, where's the abuse?

He was a dick while they were living in the same house and getting divorced but not abusive.

I suspect that quite a high percentage of people getting divorced while living in the same house are dicks irrespective of sex because it's a highly stressful and emotional time.

I fully support the increased focus on non-physical abuse but painting every bit of dickish behaviour as abuse isn't useful.

The guy was basically sitting in his own house. OP doesn't say what 'watched like a hawk' means but she certainly doesn't suggest he was doing anything specifically controlling.