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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

158 replies

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:09

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:12

Well obviously you are going to hurt him, you have to accept that.

but you say he’s “wonderful” , but clearly he’s not your kind of wonderful. As to describe yourself as feeling depressed about the relationship is serious.

Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:13

I have literally no reason to leave

you have a very very very compelling reason to leave. You are profoundly unhappy!

Laura346 · 22/07/2022 16:16

You do have a reason to leave him. You don't love him. Love is the main reason people should stay together. Not children and not security.

Also he deserves to have someone love him as much as you deserve to have someone you love.

Do you both a favour and end it before it becomes years wasted and an inevitable heartache

onelittlefrog · 22/07/2022 16:20

'What reason can I give?' implies you are really uncomfortable with this and feel like you need some kind of half-truth to justify it. You don't 'give a reason', you have to tell him how you truly feel.

Unfortunately, this is just the way life rolls sometimes. It's really sad when it happens, but it does. There doesn't have to be any fault or a big drama or 'reason' for a relationship to come to an end.

Perhaps try a bit of counselling to talk this through so you can come to terms with it. The best way to do it is of course by telling the truth in as gentle a way as you can, but it will hurt him, and that will be hard to cope with if you are amicable with him, so talking to a counsellor will help you cope with those feelings. You can't avoid the hurt but you can get support to help you through it.

It's important to be true to yourself (and to him). You can't stay if you know it's over.

Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:23

Thanks for your responses. I just feel awful that he's worked so so hard to make a perfect life for us and our little boy and it will have all been for nothing. Both our families will absolutely hate me for this also. They won't understand.
And my baby is so young, I feel like the worst mother in the world doing this to him.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 22/07/2022 16:25

What we're your feelings like before you had the baby?

I ask because DS put a massive dent in our relationship, at that age he wasn't sleeping and me and DP never got any time together so naturally we grew apart.
You speak positively about him so would counselling coupled with some focused time on two of you help rekindle things?

If not then as others said you don't need a reason to leave a relationship, you can just leave.

Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:26

What do you mean “worked so so hard”
have you had no role to play?!

Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:28

Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:26

What do you mean “worked so so hard”
have you had no role to play?!

I have, but he's done so much more than me, and really sacrificed a lot. He looks after us both so well.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/07/2022 16:28

I think you should do some counselling to explore your feelings before you make any permanent decision.

Having young children is tough on everyone’s romantic relationship. Sometimes the love isn’t gone, it’s situational. Sometimes of course it is gone, and then you can decide to part ways but if he has no indication you’re unhappy, you can’t pinpoint what’s happened and you’re conflicted about it, then counselling will help you whatever you ultimately decide.

Thursday37 · 22/07/2022 16:29

What changed in the time since you decided to have a child and now? How long have you felt like that?
I ask, because the first two years of a child are the hardest on a marriage, so depending on how recent this is you might want to leave it a bit longer to see if your feelings change. You also haven’t said what you’ve done to try and change things.

I’m from a family where everyone is divorced at least once, I think unhappy marriages are bad. But I also think vows need respecting and people owe it to their child to try everything to sort things before ending a marriage (not where there is any sort of abuse or infidelity).

My oldest friend left her lovely husband on a bit of a whim and 15 years on is more unhappy single than she was married. It’s a gamble if you don’t really understand what’s wrong. Turns out it wasn’t her marriage. She has much regret!

Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:29

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:28

I have, but he's done so much more than me, and really sacrificed a lot. He looks after us both so well.

Show quote history

Do you mean financially?

feeling depressed and unhappy would - does it boil down to you not being sexually attracted to him?

MolliciousIntent · 22/07/2022 16:30

Honestly, I think you need to do a lot more work here before you pack up and leave. Yes, everyone is allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, but if there is nothing actively wrong (abuse, lies, etc etc etc) and there are children in the mix, I think it is incredibly selfish to just go "I'm not happy so I'm off" without first putting in some serious work to discover why you're not happy and what can be done to fix it. Have you even spoken to your partner about your unhappiness?

It's also worth noting that you might be in a chicken-and-egg scenario with regards to depression. Many years ago, I thought I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend (now DH). I just didn't feel the same passion, interest, attachment etc etc... Eventually, that sense of apathy snuck into every area of my life. After a while, I went to the GP, who put me back on antidepressants. Took me 3 weeks to be in love with DH again.

Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:30

Coffeaddict · 22/07/2022 16:25

What we're your feelings like before you had the baby?

I ask because DS put a massive dent in our relationship, at that age he wasn't sleeping and me and DP never got any time together so naturally we grew apart.
You speak positively about him so would counselling coupled with some focused time on two of you help rekindle things?

If not then as others said you don't need a reason to leave a relationship, you can just leave.

I don't know really. I don't think there ever was the spark which there was for him, from my end.
I like him, he's lovely, but I'm not in love with him. I thought I was but I realise now otherwise.
I feel like if this was a few years down the line it wouldnt be so bad, but we've only so recently had a child together, I feel ashamed of feeling this way.

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:30

To not be sexually attracted to someone is absolutely a valid reason to not want to be married to them.

Pyewhacket · 22/07/2022 16:31

Poor guy. He deserves better.

Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:31

Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:30

To not be sexually attracted to someone is absolutely a valid reason to not want to be married to them.

To be honest, I'm not attracted to him sexually. I wish I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:32

Pyewhacket · 22/07/2022 16:31

Poor guy. He deserves better.

i agree

OP posts:
optimistic40 · 22/07/2022 16:35

I was in this situation and had recently had a child (child was 18 months old when we split up). He is a good man but I didn't have the "right" feelings. It had got to the point where I found him extremely irritating and I was always walking into another room, rolling my eyes and feeling like screaming. I didn't like ME when I was with him. Anyway, we broke up and yes... he was really hurt and there was a tough few months or so. Several years have now passed and everything is fine.

Original poster
pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:38

optimistic40 · 22/07/2022 16:35

I was in this situation and had recently had a child (child was 18 months old when we split up). He is a good man but I didn't have the "right" feelings. It had got to the point where I found him extremely irritating and I was always walking into another room, rolling my eyes and feeling like screaming. I didn't like ME when I was with him. Anyway, we broke up and yes... he was really hurt and there was a tough few months or so. Several years have now passed and everything is fine.

Thanks for this. Yes this is how I feel sometimes, I can be very snappy with him because of the irritation. I feel horrible doing that

OP posts:
Ohthatsexciting · 22/07/2022 16:39

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:31

To be honest, I'm not attracted to him sexually. I wish I was.

Show quote history

Sex aside

do you enjoy his company? Ie if he wasn’t your husband. You laugh together, share interets etc like same kind of holidays

Prunel · 22/07/2022 16:41

I think anyone can leave any relationship they want
but personally I think a marriage takes work
you won’t feel a spark every single day forever, I think expecting it to be easy is the reason for a lot of divorces.

for that reason id explore other options first
could it be motherhood
could you be depressed
are you healthy and fit and sleeping enough?
can you work on your relationship
hes doing a lot for you but is he doing what you need?
have you tried counselling? either couples or individually

obviously it’s up to you if you want to bother, no one has to stay anywhere they’re unhappy

Ladybug14 · 22/07/2022 16:43

What made you think you were in love with him ?

Prunel · 22/07/2022 16:44

If you do decide to leave you can’t do it without hurting him

but you don’t need a reason because you don’t need to ask for his permission

RandomMess · 22/07/2022 16:45

How was it before you got pregnant and then had your baby. I would want to be sure that this isn't a PND or hormonal issue.

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 16:47

I have literally no reason to leave

Your feelings count for nothing at all, then?