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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

158 replies

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:09

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Lili132 · 22/07/2022 18:19

kc431 · 22/07/2022 17:40

I think you really need to think about WHY, and also be realistic. That “I want to jump your bones”/fanny flutters doesn’t last more than a couple of years in any relationship - most long-term relationships boil down to having common interests, mutual respect, same values and being able to laugh together. The honeymoon period is called that for a reason. You could leave and still be unhappy but single. You could find another bloke and feel exactly the same about him in 5 years time. When I catch myself feeling like this, it’s either because I’m bored or unfulfilled in work/hobbies, or me and DH haven’t been spending quality time together. I would at least talk to him and try and fix what you have before just leaving.

This is so not true for majority of couples. Yes - the initial excitement wears off but if there is love in the beginning then it grows deeper rather then completely going away. Of course if both partners put an effort.
There are also memories that keep people going and remind them of the good times.

Being with someone who you never loved in a first place is completely different then just honeymoon stage ending.

SizzlingInTheBakingHeat · 22/07/2022 18:22

Did you just want a baby or something and dive right in? Did you ever actually fancy/love him? If you didn't there's nothing to rekindle, however if it's a case you've had a baby and feelings you once had have faded it could just be circumstances rather than not loving him/wanting to be with him. You can obviously leave someone even without a reason.

CPL593H · 22/07/2022 18:23

kc431 · 22/07/2022 17:40

I think you really need to think about WHY, and also be realistic. That “I want to jump your bones”/fanny flutters doesn’t last more than a couple of years in any relationship - most long-term relationships boil down to having common interests, mutual respect, same values and being able to laugh together. The honeymoon period is called that for a reason. You could leave and still be unhappy but single. You could find another bloke and feel exactly the same about him in 5 years time. When I catch myself feeling like this, it’s either because I’m bored or unfulfilled in work/hobbies, or me and DH haven’t been spending quality time together. I would at least talk to him and try and fix what you have before just leaving.

I agree with this. Marriages ebb and flow and you are still adjusting to being parents. I would never say "you must not leave" but in the circumstances you describe, some time and real thought is definitely called for I think.

Blahblahblahblah99 · 22/07/2022 18:24

optimistic40 · 22/07/2022 16:35

I was in this situation and had recently had a child (child was 18 months old when we split up). He is a good man but I didn't have the "right" feelings. It had got to the point where I found him extremely irritating and I was always walking into another room, rolling my eyes and feeling like screaming. I didn't like ME when I was with him. Anyway, we broke up and yes... he was really hurt and there was a tough few months or so. Several years have now passed and everything is fine.

This is me currently, only my children are older and I haven’t plucked up the courage to leave yet.

There is nothing wrong with him we e been together 10 years but I need to get out.

Just need to bite the bullet it’s not fair on either of us to continue how we are.

Heresince2006 · 22/07/2022 18:29

know that divorce is a brutal expensive process at best

I can't now remember which PP said this, but it's absolutely right. I am divorced, and I left my ex husband only because there finally came a point where staying would be even worse than leaving. But I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy, or on any child.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/07/2022 18:29

The same thing happened to my sister many moons ago but having a baby changes you as a person and your whole lifestyle, so take your time and talk things through with your husband and I would go for counselling as maybe he is feeling similar as relationships do change and takes a few years to get back on track. My sis stuck it out and now after more than 30 years together they are best of friends and are very happy and the grass is not always greener if looking for excitement. Not staying you should stay in an unhappy marriage but look deep inside yourself first as maybe you just need to find something that makes you happy, a hobby etc as cannot expect your partner to make your whole life happy. I did leave my ex partner when our baby very small but he was violent so a different situation. Wishing you the best but just take time and don't rush into anything as it is difficult bringing a child up on your own.

SunniestSunshining · 22/07/2022 18:31

Why did you marry him if you didn't have a sexual spark?

Why did you have sex with someone you don't fancy, and create a little human if your feelings weren't there for your H?

Was he just a sperm donor for you?

Your haste (and it is haste when you have a baby) to leave your H and have a change of heart suggests you don't really know who you are or what you want- or you'd not have married and had a child in the first place.

It's very common to feel you aren't in love with someone when the first flush of love has worn off and been replaced with nappies and sleepless nights.

But if you never did love him, you did him a huge disservice.

So...why did you get married? There must have been something that attracted you to him OR was it that he was a man who came along and was willing to provide you with a home (I notice you emphasise how hard he's worked) and a baby?

It does come over that way.

How old are you?

You definitely need counselling because to marry a man you didn't have a spark with must surely show you either didn't know what you wanted, or you did, and just used him as a temporary provider.

AtseneGatnalp · 22/07/2022 18:33

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 22/07/2022 17:49

I realise I must be old-fashioned, but relationships need to be worked at, and nurtured. Things change drastically when a child comes along. Romance, passion, time alone together, all get put aside. Too many people (predominantly women) are prepared to call it a day and split with a man who has supported the family financially, been involved with the childcare, done his share of housework, etc. Why? Because they are bored/feel the "spark" has gone/can't appreciate a decent man. I've been married for 42 years, and he often bores me so much (and vice versa) but he's reliable, dependable, caring, generous, supportive, etc. He's always been a great dad, now a great grandad. We go out for meals, try to spend time chatting about our day, we go out for drives, or watch a film together - not thrilling, but I can trust him, know that he still loves me at my fattest, oldest, and when I was very ill last year. Do you really want to go it alone?

This is a lovely post, and very true. But you can only really appreciate it when you're older and your children have grown up. I wish that my husband had been even vaguely this side of tolerable, because being a single parent is very hard, and facing old age without a reliable rock isn't much of a laugh either.

Eunorition · 22/07/2022 18:35

Don't expect Mr Nice Daddy to stay that way forever, either. It's not uncommon for them to drop their 'first' kids like hot potatoes when the new girlfriends baby comes along. He isn't going to patch up what you broke.

You will also encounter a higher than average number of dickheads on the dating scene, as awful men look for vulnerable, unconfident women and they find them amongst single mothers. Obviously plenty will spot these men immediately for what they are. And plenty do not. The nice ones are out there but you'll be wearing through a lot more shit.

3luckystars · 22/07/2022 18:40

You should go to counselling.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/07/2022 18:47

TakingToMyselfAgain your post nearly made me cry. I would have stayed with my ex partner all those years ago but he was violent and other things. My son now grown up and am happy single but lovely to hear your story and it is very wise and very too what you write.

Pickingmyselfup · 22/07/2022 18:50

I was in almost exactly the same situation 2 years ago and it's been 2 rocky years of up and down mentally for both of us. He was a twat at times, I was a twat at times, we did separate for a bit to get some breathing space. Every time I saw him I ended up in tears because I didn't want to lose him but I was struggling living like we were doing. I had no sex drive, he was being a sex pest and we were just at loggerheads.

It's taken several months, a total U turn for both of us and a lot of counselling but I do feel like we are willing to put all of our efforts into making this work. Deep down it's not that I never loved him but I was having a massive identity crisis after lockdown. I didn't feel like I was achieving anything and I was just stuck and I put a lot of the blame on him and he took a lot of my wrath during lockdown.

It's not going to be a walk in the park, we will still disagree on a lot of things but we need to remember to keep communication open, see things from the others point of view and see if we can reach a compromise.

Whenever we were discussing separating completely I always had this niggle in the back of my head that it was the wrong thing to do and not just for practical reasons but emotional because he is my best friend.

If you genuinely don't think you will be happier without him then I think you need to really give things a proper shot and explore either together or on your own what exactly the issue is. A lot of ours stemmed from kids, boredom, lockdown, the majority of which are temporary. The kids will grow up, hopefully we won't get stuck in a lockdown again and long term relationships are boring but it's up to us to go with the ebbs and flows.

Good luck, it's a horrible position to be in but you will come out the other side one way or another.

Elsiebear90 · 22/07/2022 18:58

Genuinely good men are hard to come by, especially when you’re a divorced single mum. I would work on your marriage first before throwing in the towel, there must have been something that made you marry and have a child with him, unless you really were just settling the whole time.

FreyaStorm · 22/07/2022 19:02

I think you’ll live to regret it.
Realistically, can you do better? Try to be objective.

SpiderVersed · 22/07/2022 19:05

It's early days in your parenting journey and it's very, very common for things to drift apart at this stage unless you are consciously prioritising your relationship.

I suggest some couples counselling for a while to see if this is a phase you can move past (and have a happy satisfied life) or if you're better off apart.

SunnyNunny · 22/07/2022 19:06

DH's ex felt the way you did. Said had been feeling like that for ages when she finally spoke to him while pregnant with their second baby. Broke his heart at the time. But better late than never. It meant he is now in a happy relationship, loves someone who loves him back, the children live with us 50:50 and we are going to have another DD soon. He has said as much as it hurt at the time it is the most loving thing she could have ever done. Imagine being stuck in a marriage with someone who doesn't actually like/love you.

She seems happy too. Still single as far as I know.

Tigertigertigertiger · 22/07/2022 19:08

I was in your position .
i left
I regret it every day and dream about him all the time.
that was over 30 years ago.

the grass was not greener after all.

ChinBristles · 22/07/2022 19:09

How would you feel if you found out he had cheated?
How would you feel if he died?

Grass is always greener. I myself am sitting alone on a Friday night with no-one to give a toss that I worked late and haven't eaten.

Beautifullyunconventional · 22/07/2022 19:12

This makes me really sad, the fact he’s so lovely.
ive been through this but I had pnd, I came out of it eventually, but I didn’t like my partner, his touch grossed me out and I felt like I didn’t love him anymore. Then we went through something and it bought us together, we both tried and we made it work, I couldn’t imagine my life without him now, but I could then.
I do think it’s different for you though, it sounds as though it cannot be resuscitated. You need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, and when someone is so lovely it’s so hard to leave them, it’s so hard to hurt them. My heart goes out to you, you’re not horrible because you’re not in love with someone anymore.

Tigertigertigertiger · 22/07/2022 19:13

a close friend left her very lovely husband who was loyal and a great provider ( friend did not work outside the home , they had a lovely life ) for exactly your reasons. No spark. Not in love.
got a huge settlement financially upon divorce as he had been such a hard worker. Didn’t want a lifetime with someone she wasn’t “ in love with “ . Wanted to meet someone she could love “properly “

she’s been on her own ever since. ( 15 years ) and very lonely

ChinBristles · 22/07/2022 19:18

Having said all that I was with someone for 9 years who I didn't have a spark for (I was very young) and I'd still rather be alone than with him (nice though he was). But I don't have a child to think about.

Don't stay if you will be tempted to cheat tho, obvs.

speakout · 22/07/2022 19:24

You have had some really insightful posts OP, and just wanted to give support too.
Your feeling are very valid and important, suggestions to ignore or buckle down are probably unhelpful.
Sorry If I missed how old you are- but like Talkingtomyselfagain I am at the other end of a long relationship, gown up kids, my Oh and I have a similar relationship.
The fact that you are not happy can't be ignored though- no matter how lovely your OH seems.
Sometimes it is hard to find clarity, understand our feelings it all becomes a big muddled mess.
I would strongly urge you to seek some support- you may be depressed, so that needs investigating.
Speaking to someone outside your situation will help you see things more clearly, relationship counselling, personal counselling having some space to give voice to feelings will help- no matter what decision you come to- do it from a place of strength.
No one here can tell you which decision is the best one, but make sure you are deciding from a place of personal strength.

Pebble55 · 22/07/2022 19:42

The responses on this thread are frankly hilarious.
If a man wanted to walk out on his family it would be all 'all men are bastards', 'why do men think childcare is optional' etc. etc. Here a woman wants to walk out and it's all 'seek clarity, get counselling, you poor thing'

You lot are a bunch of unashamed hypocrites

Beautifullyunconventional · 22/07/2022 19:44

If a man had written it the way she had I’d never react the way you’ve just said. Everyone deserves to leave if they’re not in love anymore.

JudgeJ · 22/07/2022 19:44

Pyewhacket · 22/07/2022 16:31

Poor guy. He deserves better.

Totally agree, do people expect things to stay the same in a relationship as it was on day one? Children change the dynamics inevitably for all couples, the grown up approach is to adapt to the changes as you mature. Personally I think it's very selfish to take the attitude that 'I'm the only one who matters and I am willing to destroy my family for that'.