My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

[pollypolly9]

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

Get someone to babysit, sit him down when you have lots of time and talk. Tell him you're feeling have just changed over time and it's nothing you /he has done or nothing he can do.
Try and talk about who will leave, who will stay, who'll have baby how much rather than dictating he needs to leave and you'll let him see DS EOW etc.

Ultimately its kinder for all three of you to be honest

Is your husband attractive? Were you ever really attracted to him in the beginning or were other things a factor? Desperation in wanting a family etc

I'm just no longer in love with him.

look, you don’t fancy him. He’s a nice guy but your young, not been married long and you fancy wanting and having sex in the future.

That is a good enough reason to leave. You don’t need to dress it up that he is some kind of god send. Because he’s not. The marriage is making you depressed. That is shit.

To add to this, all spark and sexual appeal also went out the window during this time.

Please give some thought to what your life will be afterwards. Do you have close family? Your own solid income? A supportive friendship group? Will you have to move house? Leave the area? Will childcare be a problem?

Having ended my marriage for a sort of similar reason (he was depressed , didn't earn money, largely ignored me, and I thought I could "find love" elsewhere), I realise I was living in cloud cuckoo land. Being a single mum raises challenges you never anticipate. Dating with a child/judgement at the school gates/staggering lack of freedom/guilt for your child etc.

If I could go back I'd tell myself "divorce in haste, repent at leisure".

I'm not saying don't, but please think it through, and know that divorce is a brutal expensive process at best.

If you have never been in love with him, then it would be really cruel to stay in the marriage and be horrible to him while he works so hard to please you. But are you rewriting history because it's convenient to decide you never loved him? Why on earth did you agree to marry him? Set up home with him? Make babies with him?

If you were once in love with him and have fallen out of love I would really slow down and stop with the melodrama that you must trash everything you have because Real Lurve is out there somewhere and your life's purpose is to pursue it. Not once you have kids, it's not. Your life's purpose becomes to give them a happy home with a wonderful father. You lucked out. I know MN hates this notion and thinks we should leave men immediately on a whim, but really, take the advice of PPs - have counselling to explore why you are turned off, and be certain he is the cause of yoru unhappiness, before you find yourself a single mother with an acrimonious, divorce, exhausted from raising DC singlehanded, in a home half the size unless you are very wealthy, all because you wanted a tingle in the groin when you glanced at him. Is your groin really more important than the rest of your life?

Hormones are all over the place with a young child, and lots of them wisely encourage you to find your husband repulsive so you don't get pregnant again too soon. Could this be part of the problem?

Is life boring? If it is, that's not his fault. Set some exciting goals and fulfil your life in all the ways it's currently failing. It's not his responsibility to make your life exciting. It's yours. Breaking up your marriage would give yoru humdrum life with small kids a much-needed injection of drama, excitement, adrenalin rush etc. But really, is that how you want to reach those feelings? Is there another way to give your life the heady rush of excitement without tyrashing everyone else's stability. Boredom doesn;t have to lead to destruction. It can lead to brilliant creativity and achievements. Just refocus where you are looking for your drama.

I may sound harsh but i have no respect for people who trash good family lives and uproot children in pursuit of a bit of short lived excitement. Very few marriages sustain permanent lust for decades. It ebbs and flows. Work at having fun as a family - all together as a single unit. Work at genuinely appreciating how good life is due to the effort he puts in.

Please think this through, take more time, have counselling.

My friend left a lovely guy, life after was not as she thought. She has lived to regret it and so have her sons. If she could turn the clock back she would.

I suspect the OP's husband is a Beta "nice guy"..

You know the type, average / ugly looking, maybe a little overweight, placid left-wing views... reads the guardian.. does everything she says..

The OP is craving a hawwt bad boi type she will find on Tinder.. (Depending on her looks level and age).

You have no idea if you'd be over him leaving you in a week. I think you need to think long and hard about this. The grass isnt always greener.

Why should he leave? He could stay and they could do 50/50, she's the one that wants to go.

I am the first to say if you’re not happy then leave but I think you need to explore WHY you want to leave.

Do you want to just be single and live alone for a while?

Or do you want to find a partner who you can have amazing passionate sex with?

If you’re unhappy absolutely leave and there’s no point wasting your life but remember the grass isn’t always greener.

Get some counselling first, single and couples. You will thank your future self if you 100% know you made the right decision when your son is going to his dads, dads new wife and dads new kids. You want to be in a position where you're happy for him and not full of bitterness and resentment.

Personally I'd stick it out till dc is school age. Those early years can really kill off a marriage.

Also I agree with the PP it would need to be you that left and you’d need to leave your child too unless he’s happy with you taking him.

It wouldn’t be fair to him or your child to uproot them because you want a different life now.

Does anyone have any advice? yes stop thinking you deserve to be happy and grow up. Remover your marriage vows put your son before yourself and focus on being the best wife you can be. He is clearly doing the above as a husband.

If he’s so wonderful I agree that you should wait a bit or have counselling to explore your feelings a bit more. I would say most couples would be feeling the strain with a 1.5 year old. It’s normal.

That’s not to say you have to stay forever if you are genuinely unhappy but you describe him so positively.

As a divorcee and single mother to two tinies, I would say it is bloody hard to single parent in ways you could never envisage (beware people urging you to leave because I can almost guarantee they are not single parents!!.
Also, be prepared that dh may well want at least 50% of LO time, and will feel that even that is a bitter pill to swallow because you initiated it.
the fist couple of years of having tinies are bloody hard on the majority of relationships. At least have a stab at improving things rather than doing anything rash.

I would look at counselling tbh.

You are describing the perfect father and partner. And saying you are just not in love with him.
You have a young child, which is changing everything within a relationship.

You are somehow wanting to get divorced byt at the same time unclear as to why you want a divorce. You dint feel that strongly about your reasons and certainly don’t feel that people around you are going to get it.

Id say, you need to sort out yourself your WHY. For yourself. And for him, so that you can actually express WHAT is an issue for you - and why it can’t be fixed!!

I'd be really sad if dh ended things with me without giving me notice/time for us to actually identify the issues and see if they are fixable.

How long have you felt not attracted to him?

He sounds like someone who will easily meet another woman and have more kids. Imagine that happening while you’re still single (hypothetically) and they have your son half the time. How do you feel about that?

I don’t believe in staying married at any cost but I struggle to encourage you to leave a peaceful and non abusive/cheating relationship with someone who is as good as you say he is. What exactly do you expect to happen to make you so much happier without him? Is it about meeting someone else? Because you might, but honestly the above scenario is more likely in my experience. A nice single dad who wants family life is more likely to meet someone and settle down quicker than a single mum, sorry but it’s true. You need to make sure you’re genuinely fine with that scenario.

If I were him I would insist you leave the property and ideally our child given that you’re the one walking out. I would at the least fight for 50/50 custody. Are you ok with losing half of your child’s childhood in order to have a more exciting relationship? The answer may be yes, but this is the stuff you need to really make sure you’re ok with before you set off a bomb under all your lives.

You sound bored and like you’re having a bit of a crisis. Perhaps he is the problem and all your problems would be solved if you split, but you want to make damn sure that’s the case because you are breaking up your child’s family unit and that’s not something to take lightly, regardless of how flippantly some posters on here encourage people to leave their marriages.

Why didn’t you think of this before having a baby with him? So much more to it when there’s a child in the mix.

If you’re unhappy and you have been for a while, and you’re quite sure it’s not pnd related, and there’s little sexual chemistry etc. etc. well then none of you will be served very well by remaining in this marriage.

But there’s no way of separating without hurting him I’m afraid. And the best reason you can give is that you don’t love him.

My DP's ex wife divorced him for this same reason. He was devastated to begin with and ended up pretty depressed for several months. However, he did bounce back from it and they are both in new relationships now. They are good friends and co-parents and he admits she made the right choice for everyone. His mum hated her for a couple of years but they get on ok again now! They had a young child together who has coped well with the split.

I've always thought her decision was extremely brave. Better to split now and set him free to meet someone who really loves him.

Did I miss the bit where I said kick him out and dictate what hours he can have the child?? Or did I literally say

Try and talk about who will leave, who will stay, who'll have baby how much because he might be better placed to move, she might be, he might work on a oil rig or be a SAHD. None of US know what's the best action right now

And I also clearly said
rather than dictating he needs to leave and you'll let him see DS EOW etc.

I really feel so bad for your husband. How would he feel if he read you’d be over your marriage in a week. Especially given his efforts have earned him the right to be described as wonderful. I think he would make this easier for you and leave you if he knew your true feelings. I’m so sad that he’s been having to bear you snapping at him, and he hasn’t known the true reason. Please stop what you’re doing to him and get some treatment.

You need to talk to your husband OP. It's not fair on him, he deserves to be with someone who wants him for him. It sounds as if he'll find someone ok. Bairns still young enough not to be too much affected and will adapt to the new way of life.

I agree with @goldfinchonthelawn