My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

[pollypolly9]

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

You don’t think there was a spark? Or there was no spark? Sometimes it’s easier to rewrite history because it just fits. If there was a spark, there might be a way to rekindle this either via couple counselling, date nights etc. Making some extra effort with each other might help so you feel more than just parents.

And if there was no spark at all, then I think you’re being unfair by dragging things on than you have already and I don’t know how you can come back from this. It’s not healthy for you to be snappy and bring up your child in this environment because it will be just become a toxic relationship if it’s not happened already. You might need to let him go so he and you can find happiness separately.

You say: "I like him, he's lovely, but I'm not in love with him. I thought I was but I realise now otherwise."

What makes your thoughts now more valid than your thoughts then? Who's to say down the line you won't "realise now" that you were thinking clearly in the first place and you do/did love him.

I would tread very carefully here and not make any major decisions because it really does sound like you could be depressed. You are in a difficult stage of life with a young child and have no real concrete reasons for wanting to leave. At the very least, see your doctor and get some relationship counselling before blowing up your whole life (and his, and your child's).

I do wonder if you've had contact with someone you fancy. This is the time when you should be enjoying the role of mother, always having something to say to interest your in-laws / blood relatives. Getting over the sleepless nights, getting your freshness back. 18 months is before the competitiveness kicks in, of who reads early; who leads; who specialises; who isn't clingy on first going to nursery.

It sounds like you rated your husband as partner material because you knew he'd be a good provider, socially acceptable and polite to you and not abusive. You must have once envisaged the nice, provided-for lifestyle...so why would you now change your colours: the proverbial leopard doesn't change his spots.....unless, unless, a different inner self has been awakened by something. Interesting you are focusing on your husband's shortfallings as you would if comparing him. You say nothing really about the quality of your life or how easy or hard work is the parenting job. It's like a whole different vista has opened up and given you another perspective on life. You'd been willing to submerge the ego for the experience of married life, and now you're all about the heart and the expression of self. I wonder if the libido, as well as the inner ego, has been awakened, and you are posting without explaining this.

I think anyone can leave any relationship they want
but personally I think a marriage takes work
you won’t feel a spark every single day forever, I think expecting it to be easy is the reason for a lot of divorces.

This!
It's all very well to tell someone that if they aren't "happy" they should leave, but it sounds as though OP doesn't even know what is actually wrong, can't be bothered trying to find out, hasn't even bothered to talk to her partner.

Maybe you should have put a bit more thought into this before you got married and had a child with this man.

MN is a strange place. People get berated for saying something quite innocuous because it might hurt someone/cause them mental distress - but leaving a decent partner and causing upheaval in a child's life is perfectly okay.

How will your life be better if you leave? What is your expectation of being a single mum - ie finances, how often will baby be with dad? Where will you live?

Being alone can be managed if you have a good support network - who are you support network?

If you are going to leave have these kind of questions answered first. Two wages coming onto a household makes life far easier than with one unless one person isn't being sensible with income.

Make your plans, make sure you can manage without a second person. Being a single parent is harder than being with a.partner unless the loss of that person will make a significant improvement on your life

I also think someone or something has turned your head. I keep hearing the Disney song ‘a whole new world’ since reading your post.

I think you would regret breaking up with someone wonderful.

My very good friend went through something very similar. After having a DC she told me she wanted to leave him as she wasn’t in love anymore. Nothing else wrong with their relationship and couldn’t fault her DH in any other department other than she just didn’t live him anymore.
Cut a long story short, 10 years and many other relationships later, she has realised that she’s just not “marriage material” and was only in “love” when the relationship was at the sparks flying/butterflies in the stomach/exciting stage. She’s realised she was the one that misunderstood this for love.

@LilacPoppy Does anyone have any advice? yes stop thinking you deserve to be happy and grow up. Remover your marriage vows put your son before yourself and focus on being the best wife you can be. He is clearly doing the above as a husband…….

this is TERRIBLe advice, awful. Why is it fair on him, her & the child? It’s not! They all deserve to be genuinely happy & if she’s not happy then that’s ok? You can’t stay in a relationship you’re miserable & depressed with just because. Their DC needs a happy Mummy & once you have that gut feeling, it doesn’t go, she said she’s depressed in this relationship so at some point, her DC will know this, you think that’s a good idea? Then her husband will know? What a great sutuation just because she ‘took her vows’

relationships split everyday, for varying reasons but to tell someone to stay in a relationship over any situation they’re not happy with is not good advice.

Brava! Couldn’t agree more!

There must be a reason....

Perhaps you don't fancy him anymore?

You can't help how you feel but I'd think this through....there is a lot at stake for all Three of you!

I've been married 9 years and three kids later I'd say I have only been in love with him for about 6 months. I don't even fancy him that often, but I suppose I don't really expect to. I'm too drained from work and the kids to feel anything much. Maybe you have higher standards.

God, this thread is depressing.

Jesus Christ this is grim

Well if he is so wonderful - then sounds like he deserves way better than a woman who trapped him in a relationship and is now lying to him every day.
So leave him and give him a chance to find a woman who deserves him.
Life is too short for a fake life

This is why I asked earlier about contraception

Friends Dd broke up with her long term partner after having just one injection of Depo.
It appears feeling nothing towards a long term partner when there was a loving relationship pre injection is something some women experience which seems to out last the injection.

This thread is so helpful and thank you to all the contributors so far. It has brought much more clarity and insight than couples’ counselling and is well worth a read for anyone who is unhappy but can’t completely rationalise why and presumes it must be marriage-based.

To some extent yes
but these are ultimately others experiences whereas marriage counselling will be specific to the nuances of your marriage and your marriage only

Good grief @Cherryblossoms85

YOU should have higher standards

Not least because your children’s standards for a relationship will be largely based on what they witness from you and their father

I'm lucky in that I adore and fancy my husband, but if I was in your position I'm not sure I'd leave right away. My mum left her first marriage for similar reasons and having had two more divorces since she regrets throwing a good one away.

If I were you I'd seek counselling, both by yourself and couples, and give you both a chance at keeping your family together before leaving and being separated from your son 50% of the time, missing every other Christmas with him, having to see your husband remarry etc etc.

@Ohthatsexciting in our case not quite, because the counsellor seemed to focus on the fact that DH ‘seemed very pleasant’ which, as others have touched on here, is the outside validation of general superficial appearances, looking at the union, rather than the individual nuances that led up to that union. These posts have made me realise I need to take more individual responsibility rather than trying to magnify faults to justify how I felt.

You had a shit counsellor.

Talkingto myselfagain Thank you for this post ,It resonates with me so much. I think so many people feel marriage is going to be like a cross between Christmas and a wonderful holiday .I feel if you are very unhappy then of course to leave .However there is no shortage of truly dreadful men on here! If you have a good un then maybe not all the excitement but a family life which can pay dividends!

I would love to hear opinions on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for over 10yrs and have two great children together.
The physical part of our relationship was always pretty good. As time has gone by it got less and less. I totally appreciate that it happens when you have kids, but to a point of it becoming more of a yearly event that monthly or weekly.

I’ve tried to sit and talk to her about my feelings and she knows that the situation isn’t great but within a week she acts like we never spoke of anything and things go back to how they were.
I always felt pushed away and really resentful sometimes that I was the one trying and it was never reciprocated. I’m the one who always tells her I love her, who always makes an effort for meals out or runs a bath for her with wine and candles.
I’m the one on the school runs because of her work times and always helping out around the house from cleaning to cooking. So it’s not like I don’t pull my weight.
I sometimes feel I’m here in a friendship context rather than relationship these days.

I spoke to her more recently (which she really doesn’t like when it’s about this kinda stuff) and questioned what was going on and told her that I love her and that I still fancy her a lot. The response was that she again knew she was always making excuses and pushing me away but not sure why. She said that it isn’t something that ever crosses her mind, and even said that there isn’t a part of me that makes her want me or that gives her any urges anymore. (Talk about kick me when I’m down)
I’m not an ugly bloke (not blowing my own trumpet) and I’m athletically built. Again
i’m self conscious so part of me worries that something about me is putting her off!

she claims she’d be like it with anyone not just me. Which I believe.
I now understand why I’m always pushed away and feel awful at times.
I can’t help but feel I’m in a one sided relationship. She says she loves me but that could be the fact we’ve been together so long and have kids.
To say I feel trapped sounds wrong. Then again I want to be here for the kids and for her of course, but I want someone who really wants me in every sense and to feel loved.

@Mrchathappy you’re more likely to get answers if you start your own thread.

Sounds like your wife may have been listening too hard to the school of thought that says it's normal to be bored and miserable when you've you've been married a while, and that you should stay as long as he's 'a good provider' and not actively abusive.

You should probably start your own thread though.