My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

[pollypolly9]

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

Read the dating threads
because that’s the reality of what it is like being single

If I’m being brutal I suspect you are in your late twenties early thirties desperate for a child / marriage
Got the first guy that agreed to this and you realise that he isn’t what you want any more

or you got what you want a baby and no longer need him

Mr nice guy is probably boring dependable and not exciting to you - he probably never was but you overlooked this to get what you want

That’s fine but at least own your choices and mistakes

When you have spent a few months / years on dating / shag sites and really had to deal with the dregs of male society your EX DH will seem like Brad Pitt & George Cloney rolled into one

The fact you are unhappy can’t be ignored but you speak of him so highly. Can you go for counselling as a couple or as an individual? Don’t make any rash decisions.

I am a massive advocate for leaving a relationship for any reason however in this case I would probably try couples counseling first, even if it's just a case of getting all your cards on the table, also because you have a child I think it's worth going down this route first. At least if you end things after the counseling it won't be a massive shock out of the blue for him and you'll have time to properly tell him how you've been feeling too. You can also tell your family that you tried if you're worried about that fall out. x Sorry you're feeling depressed OP.

This. Think very very carefully before you set a bomb off in your life. He will get over it and will meet someone else. That person will become part of your little boys life. My exhusband left me when our children were 3 and 2. He didn't love me, the spark had gone. He couldn't bear to be anywhere near me . He was consumed with what he wanted/ didn't want and that he just had to get away from me. He didn't consider the life long consequences of his actions . Its very much not gone the way he dreamed it would but my life turned out to be 1000x better. You shouldn't stay if you have explored every avenue but there is also the chance that you will live to regret it.

I had these exact feelings . Even when I found out I was pregnant I felt sick to my stomach as I didn’t want to be with him . Was actually baffled how I even got pregnant 🤔as sex was nearly non existent. I hated him touching me . After baby was born those hormones came in and I loved him for about a week lol. After that I was just sitting thinking to myself is this my life. He was doing nothing wrong he was providing for us and a decent guy , brilliant dad but irritated the life out of me . I moved out . Seen other people. Didn’t give him a second thought for months. THEN slowly started to miss him. Wonder was he seeing other people . Realised he was my best friend and all I wanted to do now at this stage was have sex with him after so many years of finding it repulsive . I went back. He then couldn’t get over the fact I had been seeing other people .He left me. It really gave me a kick up the bum. It all hit me like a ton of bricks what have I done ??? To this day It still haunts me. We got back together again only briefly after a lot of persistence on my end . but the damage was already done . Be careful what you wish for op.

“Honestly, I think you need to do a lot more work here before you pack up and leave. Yes, everyone is allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, but if there is nothing actively wrong (abuse, lies, etc etc etc) and there are children in the mix, I think it is incredibly selfish to just go "I'm not happy so I'm off" without first putting in some serious work to discover why you're not happy and what can be done to fix it. Have you even spoken to your partner about your unhappiness?”

^This.

You are describing yourself as depressed and everything you say about your situation confirms that. I think you need to tackle the depression - it is unwise to make major decisions when you are depressed.

You have come to the conclusion that your OH is the source of your depression - that you feel about him as you do because of how he is - he no longer excites you, but nothing and no-one will excite you when you are depressed - that is what depression is about.

Seek proper treatment and when this has done its work think it through once more.

I agree - this is what my ExH did. To the casual observer - and indeed the close observer (i.e. me) - there was nothing wrong in our relationship. We didn't have kids but were ttc and making lots of other plans for our future. He decided he didn't want to be married to me any longer and only told me once he'd made up his mind. There was another woman in the mix too - but he would swear blind she wasn't the cause of it, we just weren't compatible.

It worked out fine for him - he married the OW and they now live abroad and have 2 kids. While I won't say it ruined my life, it took a very, very long time to get over and I've never had another relationship and missed out on the chance to have kids of my own (it was 16 years ago).

You might not but the majority on this site would, whatever is happening within a relationship is almost always not the woman's fault.

I know this is an odd question but have you ever had contraception Depo Provera

not sure you can leave someone without hurting them but at east then hell be able to find someone who will love him

I don't agree with this analysis. Most respondents have rightly given the OP both barrels

@pollypolly9 you sound like a good person, it won’t be easy but you and your husband could go on to be very happy in subsequent relationships. I had a friend do this and I had so much respect for her.

people online jump and tell you to leave but you will be the one dealing with the bills and missing your children half of the week.
Sex and romance are fleeting. Marriages are a life commitment. Who says there is a stream of 'just perfect' men out there waiting for you? it sounds like you have post natal depression. Dating and the leftover men out there aren't great. You have so much already with a man who is a great father and not abusive. This idea of disney love is so untrue. The man you have is so right where it matters, you need to help yourself feel better through therapy and a dose of reality. not through dumping him and breaking up a perfectly good solid marriage. Marriage means sacrifice.

Don’t act in haste OP, it’s a huge decision, that will affect so many lives, but mainly those of yours, your child’s and your husband.

If course if being married is making you miserable, it understandable to want to split. But first, check there aren’t any other factors that are making you feel like this.

You are parents now, that changes the dynamics of a relationship, you are no longer two, you have responsibilities.

I hope you have someone close in rl, that you could discuss your feelings with. Good luck.

If he's everything you say he is, he won't be single for long

I went through something like this with my OH - thought he was amazing as a person but felt guilty for staying with him when I didn’t have the feels anymore. They came back. shrugs. Now I count my lucky stars that I didn’t walk out when I felt otherwise…

I have to disagree sorry. You loved him enough to bring a child into this world not that long ago. You loved him once there must be reasons why that's changed. If I had a young child with someone who is essentially a lovely person I would be doing as much as I could to try and reconnect first. Could you try some counselling to try and get to the root of what's going on

Poor guy. It sounds like you dont work. Time to get over 50% of everything and move on eh😎

I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely!

Well, as people have said, you don't necessarily need a reason over and above your unhappiness, but I would be willing to bet there is one, neverthless.

I think that often our gut is way ahead of our ability to articulate problems in a rational way, and that, coupled with your oddly gushing praise and wonderment at his loveliness makes me suspect that actually this is a man who everybody else believes is lovely, while you experience him rather differently but don't trust yourself to be right about him.

Does he undermine or gaslight you? You seem to think that he's a fabulous parent and partner, while you yourself are a mere bit-part player in your life together. Is that how he makes you feel? Does he make you doubt your judgement about other things? Does he make you feel bad about yourself? Like others, I'd suggest counselling as a route for you, but I think you should enter into it with the aim of respectfully exploring your own feelings rather than desperately hoping it will help you find a reason to stay in your marriage.

Do you have a pattern of unconscious self-sabotage?

Because if you do, then you'll know why you want to leave.

Some people can't bear to be happy, because they've never known what it is to be happy as a child and the moment they get happy, they'll do something to blow it apart.

Some people need drama, excitement, horror to feel alive - it's all they knew as a kid.

So be careful. You may be unconsciously seeking drama when it's actually the worst thing you could possibly do.

Also, I'm a bit worried you have a notion of perfection in your head.

No relationship is perfect. Are you sure you've not got a Disney fairytale going on? Because I'd say for 99% of the population they don't exist.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants Thank you. I'm sorry you had a horrible experience with your ex. I'd never advise anyone to stay with someone who was violent - one of my sons left his ex (and their 2 children whom he sees every week) because of her violence to him, and her heavy drinking. He had a breakdown and had to have extensive counselling to come to terms with having to live apart from his children but is ok now (she's still a horrible person and has been unable to maintain a steady relationship with the various boyfriends she's had since). Take care x

Personally, I would stick it out for a bit longer. A baby throws a grenade into most relationships, and for me it was about 3.5 to 3 years before we recovered at all.

Having stuck those years out, several times now as they happened after each baby, I love my husband more than ever. Marriage has sunny seasons and shady seasons; be careful not to leave in a shady season if the sunny ones are worth staying for (abuse/misery aside, obviously).

Some excellent advice on this thread.

I am a big advocate of leaving an unhappy marriage, for any reason. I've done it myself. But there were no kids involved and my DH was, frankly, intolerable a lot of the time.

My second marriage is different, we have three young children and the stakes are therefore very very high. Luckily we are really happy, but no, I don't find him the most thrilling man ever on a day to day basis, I'm sure he'd say the same about me. We're not ripping our clothes off or being spontaneous and glamorous or even remotely very interesting most of the time.

But as almost all the pp's have said - we work at it, we find the joy and the humour in small things, we try to carve out some time for ourselves and each other, we keep friendship at the core of it all. He's a generous, kind and caring person who loves me and loves our children and treats us all really well. Honestly, that is very very hard to find. Don't throw that away.

I have friends go have left their 'ok' but boring marriages and regretted it. Don't be up there without trying everything to save what you have built. Not to be old fashioned, but the vows you made should actually mean something.

This was me op. I just fell out of love with my h and carried on for longer than I should. I felt awful having the conversation but I knew he deserved someone who could make him happier than I was as did I! We have 2 dc and I felt awful for splitting our family up but it was for the best and they now see their dd a lot more than they used to and have a lot more quality time with him because while we were together he just took for granted how much I did. We’re on good terms now.