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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is wonderful, but I want to leave

158 replies

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:09

Hello!
Has anyone been in the situation where their SO is really a wonderful person, but you're just not happy?
I just don't love him anymore. He's amazing with our 1.5 year old, he provides for us and is a perfect father.
I'm just no longer in love with him.
There's no one else, its not like that, I just have tried for a long time to muddle through when really I just want to part ways.
I've tried to be stoic about it for my son's sake, but it just makes me depressed and listless. I feel like a terrible person when I've got such a nice life with him, but I know if he left me I'd be over it in a week.

But how do I separate without hurting him?
I have literally no reason to leave, he's lovely! Has anyone split up with their SO's amicably? What reason could I give?
I hate the thought of hurting him, and of creating upheaval for my son. How would it even work when we have such a small child together?
Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
ThirtyThreeTrees · 22/07/2022 17:25

Stop snapping at the poor guy, isn't not his fault you don't love him.

Did you ever because it doesn't really sound like it? He deserves better.

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 22/07/2022 17:26

Honestly? You had a child with him - to break up his family because you are not just into him anymore is a bit selfish. Having a child means gaining certain responsibilities and this is one of them

(See statistics on children raised in single parent families - I wouldn't put that on my kids unless I absolutely had no choice ie abuse, infidelity etc)

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 22/07/2022 17:27

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2022 16:28

I think you should do some counselling to explore your feelings before you make any permanent decision.

Having young children is tough on everyone’s romantic relationship. Sometimes the love isn’t gone, it’s situational. Sometimes of course it is gone, and then you can decide to part ways but if he has no indication you’re unhappy, you can’t pinpoint what’s happened and you’re conflicted about it, then counselling will help you whatever you ultimately decide.

100% agree with this

onelittlefrog · 22/07/2022 17:27

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:23

Thanks for your responses. I just feel awful that he's worked so so hard to make a perfect life for us and our little boy and it will have all been for nothing. Both our families will absolutely hate me for this also. They won't understand.
And my baby is so young, I feel like the worst mother in the world doing this to him.

I think you need to work with a counsellor to reframe how you are seeing this.

Just because something has reached a natural end doesn't mean it's 'all for nothing'.

Nothing lasts forever. You've had a good relationship and are ending it on amicable terms, which is more than many can say. An achievement and surely you will walk away with some nice memories and not to mention yoru little boy which came out of it.

What on earth is wrong with that?

This is all to do with the way you look at things.

Coffeaddict · 22/07/2022 17:29

MaxOverTheMoon · 22/07/2022 17:05

Get some counselling first, single and couples. You will thank your future self if you 100% know you made the right decision when your son is going to his dads, dads new wife and dads new kids. You want to be in a position where you're happy for him and not full of bitterness and resentment.

Personally I'd stick it out till dc is school age. Those early years can really kill off a marriage.

I agree with this

ReneBumsWombats · 22/07/2022 17:29

You say you weren't in love with him before but thought you were. What's changed?

Purplehonesty2 · 22/07/2022 17:31

I agree - try and get some counselling and see if you can fix things first.

What if you end up on your own forever - would you be happier?

What if the next guy you meet starts off lovely and then ends up being a massive twat. There are a lot of them about!

You've given up your "wonderful" husband and ended up being even more unhappy.

After having kids it does take its toll and you may be feeling differently because of that.

I wouldn't rush into anything and try and fix what you have first.

If you can't, then you know you have done your best.

In your shoes I would stay because there are some real arseholes out there and you sound like you have a good one!!

SecretVictoria · 22/07/2022 17:32

Why on earth did you marry him if you had “never felt the spark”? That’s so unfair. Did you just want a baby and he was a nice guy who would give you the family you wanted?

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/07/2022 17:32

Remember, the grass is greener where you water it!

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 22/07/2022 17:32

THIS:

MolliciousIntent · Today 16:30
Honestly, I think you need to do a lot more work here before you pack up and leave. Yes, everyone is allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, but if there is nothing actively wrong (abuse, lies, etc etc etc) and there are children in the mix, I think it is incredibly selfish to just go "I'm not happy so I'm off" without first putting in some serious work to discover why you're not happy and what can be done to fix it. Have you even spoken to your partner about your unhappiness?
It's also worth noting that you might be in a chicken-and-egg scenario with regards to depression. Many years ago, I thought I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend (now DH). I just didn't feel the same passion, interest, attachment etc etc... Eventually, that sense of apathy snuck into every area of my life. After a while, I went to the GP, who put me back on antidepressants. Took me 3 weeks to be in love with DH again.

isthismylifenow · 22/07/2022 17:38

How long have you been married? Sorry if you said but if so I missed that.

Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses every day. It's bloody hard work at times.

I'm divorced. And a single mother to two. It's not an easy ride OP, and divorce is one of the most difficult things I have encountered. I'm through the other side now, but it's not something to be taken lightly.

Are you not perhaps missing some lost youth? Things you thought you may do before x age and now you are living a normal life that doesn't seem all that exciting anymore? It happens. A lot. But is it worth throwing away what you have to go search for that with no guarantee of finding it.

My advice would be do to to counseling. On your own first. Then take it from there.

kc431 · 22/07/2022 17:40

I think you really need to think about WHY, and also be realistic. That “I want to jump your bones”/fanny flutters doesn’t last more than a couple of years in any relationship - most long-term relationships boil down to having common interests, mutual respect, same values and being able to laugh together. The honeymoon period is called that for a reason. You could leave and still be unhappy but single. You could find another bloke and feel exactly the same about him in 5 years time. When I catch myself feeling like this, it’s either because I’m bored or unfulfilled in work/hobbies, or me and DH haven’t been spending quality time together. I would at least talk to him and try and fix what you have before just leaving.

SirVixofVixHall · 22/07/2022 17:42

NoSquirrels · 22/07/2022 16:28

I think you should do some counselling to explore your feelings before you make any permanent decision.

Having young children is tough on everyone’s romantic relationship. Sometimes the love isn’t gone, it’s situational. Sometimes of course it is gone, and then you can decide to part ways but if he has no indication you’re unhappy, you can’t pinpoint what’s happened and you’re conflicted about it, then counselling will help you whatever you ultimately decide.

I agree with this. Of course you may just have gone off him, but sometimes this can be hormonally driven after having a baby, you can just be absorbed with your baby and disengage. It might not be a permanent state of affairs. Would be good to work through that and be sure before making the leap.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/07/2022 17:43

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 22/07/2022 17:32

THIS:

MolliciousIntent · Today 16:30
Honestly, I think you need to do a lot more work here before you pack up and leave. Yes, everyone is allowed to leave a relationship for any reason, but if there is nothing actively wrong (abuse, lies, etc etc etc) and there are children in the mix, I think it is incredibly selfish to just go "I'm not happy so I'm off" without first putting in some serious work to discover why you're not happy and what can be done to fix it. Have you even spoken to your partner about your unhappiness?
It's also worth noting that you might be in a chicken-and-egg scenario with regards to depression. Many years ago, I thought I had fallen out of love with my boyfriend (now DH). I just didn't feel the same passion, interest, attachment etc etc... Eventually, that sense of apathy snuck into every area of my life. After a while, I went to the GP, who put me back on antidepressants. Took me 3 weeks to be in love with DH again.

I agree with this.

I'm not in favour of pressuring people to stay if they're unhappy, certainly not if there's abuse or something really terrible. But in this case, you are right in that intense parenting phase and likely losing yourself a bit, and depression most certainly can manifest this way...apathy about EVERYTHING. I do think that, given he's a good man and you have a small child, you ought to try out some other possibilities first.

OneFootintheRave · 22/07/2022 17:45

pollypolly9 · 22/07/2022 16:23

Thanks for your responses. I just feel awful that he's worked so so hard to make a perfect life for us and our little boy and it will have all been for nothing. Both our families will absolutely hate me for this also. They won't understand.
And my baby is so young, I feel like the worst mother in the world doing this to him.

You would have to accept that he would be hurt.

Staying with someone who you are only going through the motions with however is pretty crap. Surely he deserves someone who wants to be with him.

What's all this "I feel like the worst mother in the world " business? I hear so much of this on here when mums think about leaving. There are thousands of mums out there sadly who beat, abuse and worse. You would not be the worst by any means.

Washermother33 · 22/07/2022 17:48

lots of good sense on here OP - don’t be rash - get counselling / talk to a trusted family member and try to be nice to him while you figure out what to do . Life is not a fairytale and prince charming doesn’t exist . A wonderful man is actually quite an achievement.

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 22/07/2022 17:49

I realise I must be old-fashioned, but relationships need to be worked at, and nurtured. Things change drastically when a child comes along. Romance, passion, time alone together, all get put aside. Too many people (predominantly women) are prepared to call it a day and split with a man who has supported the family financially, been involved with the childcare, done his share of housework, etc. Why? Because they are bored/feel the "spark" has gone/can't appreciate a decent man. I've been married for 42 years, and he often bores me so much (and vice versa) but he's reliable, dependable, caring, generous, supportive, etc. He's always been a great dad, now a great grandad. We go out for meals, try to spend time chatting about our day, we go out for drives, or watch a film together - not thrilling, but I can trust him, know that he still loves me at my fattest, oldest, and when I was very ill last year. Do you really want to go it alone?

Macaroni1924 · 22/07/2022 17:50

I’ve only been married 16 years but I can tell you that I haven’t always felt the spark or closeness that we usually have. Sometimes it fades or goes completely but it always returns. Things get in the way work, health, money and most of all children but you pass through and come out the other side. Marriage is hard work and when young children are involved the whole dynamic changes. Less time for each other and most chat revolves around the kids. When children are at a tricky stage the pressure can be quite intense and impact moods and feelings.

If you are 100% sure then you need to go with it and bite the bullet. Yes he will be hurt but he also deserves to know how you feel and the chance to find someone who can love him the same way in return. Don’t worry about family they will need to accept it, you are an adult capable of making your own decision.

If there is any part of you that feels it could work then speak to him, explain how you feel and go to counselling. At least then you can say you tried everything. You never know it may be just what you need.

nopuppiesallowed · 22/07/2022 17:51

Many years ago I read an article about a man in a situation similar to yours, OP. A man had an amazing wife but he just didn't love her any more. No feelings. Nothing. The counselor gave him the following advice...Pretend that you absolutely adore your wife. Give her gifts. Take her out. Spend quality time with her. Keep telling yourself (and her) how wonderful she is. Keep a list of her good qualities and look at it often. Give this 6 months and at the end of it see if anything has changed.
I have never been friends with anyone who has had an 'even' marriage. Perhaps there are some women who can honestly say they have always adored their husbands but I have never known one. We're all human and living with another human without falling in and out of love with them isn't possible as far as I'm aware. Please don't assume that bailing out now is the only option. It's not.

Oblomov22 · 22/07/2022 17:58

Agree with others. Don't give up yet. A good man is hard to find. I've been married 20 years and Dh is a diamond. But it's very much highs and lows, sometimes closer, sometimes I felt distant, sometimes I really didn't like him that much, sometimes I adore him so much I don't know what to do with myself. All normal.

LittlePearl · 22/07/2022 18:02

I remember feeling exactly like this when my children were small. I honestly felt there was no future for us (in terms of my feelings for my OH) I didn't feel any attraction to him and just felt trapped.

I didn't let him know how unhappy and stuck I felt but I did let on that things didn't feel great for me. We both really made an effort to address things, including a marriage enrichment workshop, really communicating about our deepest feelings, and (for me) actively choosing to appreciate him and love him with my behaviour, not just my heart.

Little by little things began to change. We have now been together 38 years and he is everything to me. I look back and feel so grateful I didn't walk away.

I would just say be very sure before you give up on a guy who, from your description, sounds like a keeper.

EngTech · 22/07/2022 18:02

I would leave as you are unhappy as it sounds like the grass is greener on the other side

That way, you can look for someone that makes you happy and your OH can move on 👍👍

Good luck finding a new partner but be prepared for a few problems if you are a single mum

VioletInsolence · 22/07/2022 18:05

I’d think very carefully. Being a single parent is truly awful. It isn’t really natural for humans to stay together forever. Not many women will find their partner sexually attractive after a couple of years and after the menopause suddenly no one is particularly attractive. So eventually you’ll be back in the position you’re in now.

Eunorition · 22/07/2022 18:07

It's a bit weird, really. Why did you have a kid with him in the first place? What will your new single life look like? Are you personally comfortably wealthy with good career prospects? Single mothers overwhelmingly drive poverty statistics, so I assume you have a great plan not to become one. Is the allure of messing his life up with 'mum'/dad's new boy/girlfriend ' disrupting his home life so strong?

I think you need to figure out how you got to this point and how best to get out of it based on what's best for your son, not you. "I'm a bit bored now" isn't really enough to choose a divorced life. Everyone's bored. Everyone's boring. You make it work. That's being an adult. Life isn't Love Island.

MushMonster · 22/07/2022 18:12

You will not like what I have to say.... more of the same.
If he is wonderful, then do not leave.
Give a little shake to your head!
You married him, so you loved him and fancied him then.
You will not find any greener grass.
You can make your life what you want with him.
You are not missing a good hisband and family. You got that.
You are missing something else. Find what that is.
Maybe some me-time, hobby, career, friends.... you can get that and keep your family.