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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

193 replies

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 15:33

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

OP posts:
SuperdrugKeysDemon · 22/07/2022 15:38

I’d be annoyed, but mostly concerned for his safety and pleased that he got back to the accommodation safe. The cash thing sounds like it could be legit but are you implying that you think he paid for sex and is lying about spending it on alcohol?

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 15:45

@SuperdrugKeysDemon it was definitely the main cause of my anxiety. I was quite worried for his safety. Now I know he's safe however, his story is so patchy and he keeps saying he doesn't remember... And I genuinely don't know what to think re cash. He could very well have bought alcohol but it jusy doesn't make sense as he was using his card at the bar without a problem before?

OP posts:
Runningupthathill01 · 22/07/2022 15:47

Hmm I would be suspicious about his convenient lack of memory.

watchagunado · 22/07/2022 15:52

Where did he go op ? I hope he hasn't took money out to go to a strip club . This is how my friend ended up leaving her partner of 10 years

Livpool · 22/07/2022 15:54

I couldn't get worked up about this and I wouldn't be checking bank transactions either.

If no other issues then I am not sure what else to do but move on

Oblomov22 · 22/07/2022 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fidgety31 · 22/07/2022 15:56

You sound very controlling with all this checking up on his every move during a night out .
i wouldn’t put up with this level of questioning .

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 22/07/2022 15:58

I wouldn’t get worked up about it either. He got drunk and now has a hazy memory and presumably a sore head. I find it a bit weird that you’re looking at bank statements and googling the bar he was in for opening hours. Are there other issues going on?

Lochroy · 22/07/2022 15:58

Why does MN always assume an affair. I'm surprised no one is shouting LTB already.

Seriously, have you never been out, got drunk and forgotten things. I'm not proud of it, but I had a big work do in a hotel at Easter. Thought I was moderating my drinking and conscious I'm about 15 years older than the grads. But hey, alcohol has a strange way of you only realising how much you've had once it's too late sometimes. I don't remember the last 30 minutes or so of that evening.

Sometimes it really is perfectly innocent even if grown adults should know better.

Lochroy · 22/07/2022 15:59

Sorry to be clear that's 'you' collective, not directly the OP.

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 15:59

@watchagunado he went to a mid-sized city in Europe. You know what? I'd rather he told me that (and I'd probably be fine with it) than him saying he doesn't remember.

OP posts:
ohblowmedown · 22/07/2022 16:01

There's no valid reason I can think of to get £100 cash out, when you've spent most of the evening buying drinks on a card. I would be pretty suspicious too OP (either that he was buying drugs or sex) I can't believe the number of posters apparently not bothered!

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 16:01

Just to clarify as a couple of people have pointed it out - I had to log in to the bank account for something completely irrelevant. Not to find dirt. It just grabbed my attention as it's quite a high amont of cash that we normally wouldn't take out everyday!

OP posts:
Franca123 · 22/07/2022 16:04

If he's generally a good guy and you trust him, I wouldn't have looked into any of those things you did? Looking at the bar's website? Bank statements? If I was on a boozy work trip and my partner quizzed me like that with no cause, I'd be freaked out and angry. Do you suspect him of infidelity? If so, ask him that. Don't piss about talking about cash machine withdrawals. Ask him outright. If you think hes capable of paying for sex why are you with him?

Ilikewinter · 22/07/2022 16:09

Do you have a reason not to trust him? If not then reading your post you ....
Heard from him at 5.30pm then rang him a fews times that evening.
Tracked internet banking transactions.
Googled the name of the bar to see what time it closed.
Questionned him about the cash.
Questionned him about the transport home.

If he has form then yes I agree to question him, but if not then I think its totally over the top, I be proper peeved off if my DH questionned me like this as its almost an interrogation!

DrMorbius · 22/07/2022 16:10

If it's only £100 it's not prostitutes.

Bookworm20 · 22/07/2022 16:11

His changing of details and then convenient lack of memory seems a bit of a red flag tbh.

If it was such a blur he wouldn't have first said about lift with collegue and then tram. He would of simply said, god I can't actually remember.

I'd be questioning the cash taken out also, as why do that if you're in the same bar all night and your card works fine? Why leave the bar to get cash. Did he have any cash left on his return?
My first thought would be he went to a strip club.

Can you tell what time the fast food transaction was? and what time the cash was taken out? As only thing that may redeem him is if he purchased a last drink in the bar which shows as a time just before it closes and then getting cash to pay for food, and the fast food transaction after that, which he then paid for by card, which may explain why he got back at 12.30am if they were buying food at 12 for example.

Surprised he hasn't come up with the classic of he got cash out for a mate/collegue to borrow. guess he hasn't thought of that yet.

RedWingBoots · 22/07/2022 16:13

ohblowmedown · 22/07/2022 16:01

There's no valid reason I can think of to get £100 cash out, when you've spent most of the evening buying drinks on a card. I would be pretty suspicious too OP (either that he was buying drugs or sex) I can't believe the number of posters apparently not bothered!

Because he went to another little bar with a couple of his colleagues that doesn't accept cards. (I've been to places in foreign cities that don't.)

They then started buying rounds as in the British way, he then got so drunk he forgot what happened, threw up and had to be escorted home by one of his colleagues.

And now he's too embarrassed to tell you he acted like he was 20 again. This is the kind of crap the men I know tend to do.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2022 16:13

I'd be annoyed that he'd potentially lost this cash or been splashing it about and wasting it, but your lack of trust suggests you're thinking drugs, sex workers etc.
Do you have any reason to assume that he'd spend money on that kind of thing?

RedWingBoots · 22/07/2022 16:15

@Ilikewinter I got told off the other day from coming home after going out too early and sober. 😂

slowquickstep · 22/07/2022 16:16

If the bar took card why the need for cash ? Lap dance club, brothel ? He is lying and you know it.

Oblomov22 · 22/07/2022 16:16

£100 isn't a large amount to take out.

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/07/2022 16:17

He's an adult aboard on business and you were concerned after less than 7 hours no contact when you know he was going drinking with colleagues? I'd be fuming if my partner expected me to check in like some teenager. I'd be embarrassing to have a partner phoning me repeatedly in front of colleagues and certainly won't answer and have to reassure them I was an adult and fine.

And going through bank account the next day to check up on my spending would also be totally unacceptable to me.

Sounds like he was doing card rounds in the bar which then may have gone cash only to cover up a lock-in at the bar (lots of countries have very lax adherence to official closing times - even happens in the UK, shock horror). You have no idea how much cash he still had the next morning.

He was back at his hotel by 12.30 drunk enough to have a patchy memory already. Not surprising that he has even less memory after sobering up.

Unless there's a huge back story of him cheating before, he was an adult on the piss and you're checking up him like you're his mum. And it's enough for your trust to be completely gone? Completely gone cos of a drunken piss-up!!?

WidgetDigit2022 · 22/07/2022 16:19

ohblowmedown · 22/07/2022 16:01

There's no valid reason I can think of to get £100 cash out, when you've spent most of the evening buying drinks on a card. I would be pretty suspicious too OP (either that he was buying drugs or sex) I can't believe the number of posters apparently not bothered!

Same.

And if he was blind drunk, I'm surprised he could remember his pin.

The only possible acceptable reason is he spent it on a cab home. But I'd expect someone to remember that?

Herejustforthisone · 22/07/2022 16:20

Paid for sex and is lying by saying he can’t remember anything?

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