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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't remember a night out abroad

193 replies

Mulberryl · 22/07/2022 15:33

Hi all,

My husband went on a work trip last week. One night he said he was going to a bar with his colleagues.

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times. He finally phoned me at 12.30am saying he'd just come back to the hotel. He sounded quite drunk.

Next day I was going through our bank statement and saw that there were a few separate transactions at the bar to the value of 4-5 drinks. Then there was a fast food transaction and finally £100 cash was taken out at an ATM that night...

He insists he stayed at the bar throughout the night. The bar's website suggests it closes earlier than midnight. When I ask him this he says he doesn't remember. I ask him why he took cash out, he first said 'because it was easier than buying drinks with cash than my card'. It didn't make sense so I questioned further and he then said he didn't remember why he took the cash out. He says as he was drunk maybe he thought it was a good idea.

There's also discrepancy about how he got to the hotel. He says that he was given a lift by a colleague, then said he took the tram... When I ask further he keeps saying that he doesn't remember.

My trust is completely gone. I cannot for the life of me hold him accountable. He keeps saying he doesn't temember a thing.

I also find it infuriating that he got blackout drunk in a country neither of us are familiar with in a business trip.

My husband is English, whereas I'm from a culture where people are more possessive. That's why I'd like to take a step back and not react to any jealousy sort of stuff immediately. But the whole thing is too much to take in.

I wanted to ask you lovely people what you make of it. Would you also be upset/angry or not think much of it? Thanks!

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 22/07/2022 16:49

OP if your husband was going to cheat on you he could easily choose a colleague.

And while you may presume you know his sexual preference, you may not.

I've worked in lots of large companies/organisations where long married people have started up relationships with colleagues.

So quit tracking him so closely.

LuckyLil · 22/07/2022 16:50

How do you know it was even him that withdrew the cash? What if his card had been cloned? Card fraud doesn't just happen in the UK

drlel · 22/07/2022 16:52

In my experience when a bar closes at midnight, 12.30 isn't a suspicious time to be home. By the time staff actually get everyone to leave it's usually ten past, chatting with friends/colleagues, presumably a minimum of 5-10 mins for a lift to the hotel (longer if it was a team), getting through hotel to room then called you at 12.30? 🤷🏻‍♀️

mrs55 · 22/07/2022 16:55

I'm sorry but he knows full well why he took th e money out drugs for sex or a strip club you don't just lie and say it was for drinks you'd say I can't even remember etc or it was for a cab I'd Google to see what it beside the atm .

CallOnMe · 22/07/2022 16:57

I spoke with him at 5pm their time as he was leaving and that was the last time I heard from him that night. Towards the midnight I started getting worried and phoned him a few times.

Why would you be worried when you knew he was on a night out?!

He’s a grown adult who doesn’t need to keep checking in with you.
I’d be fuming if my DP wanted me to keep in contact with him on my night out.

You sound very controlling.
Why are you question him about everything and checking what time the bar closes!

You need to back off as this incident would be enough for me to leave my partner and I can imagine if you carry on like this he will end up ending the relationship.

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 16:57

drlel · 22/07/2022 16:52

In my experience when a bar closes at midnight, 12.30 isn't a suspicious time to be home. By the time staff actually get everyone to leave it's usually ten past, chatting with friends/colleagues, presumably a minimum of 5-10 mins for a lift to the hotel (longer if it was a team), getting through hotel to room then called you at 12.30? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yeah this is a completely fair point - getting back half an hour after their closing time according to Google isn't a massive deal.

He could have been in the hotel bar for hours after that and you'd never have known.

mrs55 · 22/07/2022 16:58

I think she said the bar shut a lot early than midnight?

Eatthecake80 · 22/07/2022 17:01

Coke?

MichaelAndEagle · 22/07/2022 17:01

You spoke to him at 5.30. I wouldn't have expected to speak to him again until roughly same time next day. Except maybe a 'How's the head this morning?' type of text.
Why are you this involved in monitoring his activities unless you already have suspicions.
On its own this behaviour is waaaaay over the top. And as PPs have said, would be relationship ending if I was on the receiving end.

Eatthecake80 · 22/07/2022 17:02

The drugs kind

womaninatightspot · 22/07/2022 17:04

I’d of assumed taxi back. If abroad I tend to take a bit extra out of machine as they charge per withdrawal or used to. Not been abroad in ages.

I’d also be unimpressed to be questioned about it.

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 17:04

mrs55 · 22/07/2022 16:58

I think she said the bar shut a lot early than midnight?

She just said earlier - that suggests to me half an hour or an hour earlier. A bar won't shut much before that and will likely stay open if they have quite a few customers in.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 22/07/2022 17:05

I don't think it's a prostitute because they're generally more expensive than £100 as someone else said, but I would suspect drugs and maybe strip show/lap dancing. If it's a one off, I honestly really wouldn't get worked up by the latter, provided he never does this again/apologises/pays back the money.

But it's pointless you punishing him for being drunk where he can't remember anything (I usually can but I'm strange like that) and suspecting all sorts. As others have said, jealousy isn't a good look.

MichaelAndEagle · 22/07/2022 17:09

I would assume cash for food and a taxi? Colleague lost their wallet?
Need some for the morning?
Meant to get 10, drunkenly got 100.
Or maybe you're right, drugs and a lap dance. Is that something your OH would do?
I'm only saying I can think of innocent reasons too.
Honestly I've been checked up on like this and it's torture. You second guess everything you do in case its misconstrued. And end up a shell of a person. Guess what? I left.

Ladiz · 22/07/2022 17:09

I travel a lot for work, so does my husband. I’d never dream of checking up on him like this, and if he did the same to me that would be it.

If you can’t trust him - for whatever reason is making you suspicious- it’s over anyway. You can’t live a good life feeling like that. And if he’s got nothing to hide he won’t stand your controlling behaviour for long, whatever cultural excuses you provide for it.

Fupa · 22/07/2022 17:09

Probably drugs. Weed I’m guessing.

Bazinga007 · 22/07/2022 17:10

Quite possible that the bar has cash only after "official" closing time.

rainbowsilk · 22/07/2022 17:12

It seems like a bit of an over-reaction to me - I wouldn't get worked up about this. I'd say the cash was for a strip club or maybe a casino, unless he has connections in the city or was with someone who does I wouldn't suspect drugs. I'd be pissed off at him but the snooping is a bit much.

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 17:12

rainbowsilk · 22/07/2022 17:12

It seems like a bit of an over-reaction to me - I wouldn't get worked up about this. I'd say the cash was for a strip club or maybe a casino, unless he has connections in the city or was with someone who does I wouldn't suspect drugs. I'd be pissed off at him but the snooping is a bit much.

I'd be really impressed if DP went to a casino and was back by half 12!

BobWrexham · 22/07/2022 17:17

I'm a guy...

£100 isn't to little for an escort in teh UK.. depending on the city / escort.

You can get half an hour outcall in London for £100.. you can get a full hour in other cities..

He might have planned the escort to visit him in the morning after the night out?

925XX · 22/07/2022 17:19

ohblowmedown · 22/07/2022 16:01

There's no valid reason I can think of to get £100 cash out, when you've spent most of the evening buying drinks on a card. I would be pretty suspicious too OP (either that he was buying drugs or sex) I can't believe the number of posters apparently not bothered!

Stop shit stirring. You may not be able to think of a valid reason but there could well be one.

925XX · 22/07/2022 17:20

BobWrexham · 22/07/2022 17:17

I'm a guy...

£100 isn't to little for an escort in teh UK.. depending on the city / escort.

You can get half an hour outcall in London for £100.. you can get a full hour in other cities..

He might have planned the escort to visit him in the morning after the night out?

Another one stirring it up. Could have, might have what if!

Ihatethenewlook · 22/07/2022 17:24

DrMorbius · 22/07/2022 16:10

If it's only £100 it's not prostitutes.

It certainly can be.

SingingInParadise · 22/07/2022 17:25

Parky04 · 22/07/2022 16:28

The only red flag is against the OP. The level of interrogation is extraordinary!

I’ll be honest if someone is telling me something that doesn’t make sense to me, I will ask them to clarify. If they change the story again, I will ask more questions. Wouldn’t you??

Ihatethenewlook · 22/07/2022 17:27

BobWrexham · 22/07/2022 17:17

I'm a guy...

£100 isn't to little for an escort in teh UK.. depending on the city / escort.

You can get half an hour outcall in London for £100.. you can get a full hour in other cities..

He might have planned the escort to visit him in the morning after the night out?

I lived next to a brothel in wales and they charged £45 for a shag, they’d generally get the punters in and out in around 15-20 mins though. I’m in the north west of England now and I know a couple agency’s that charge £50 a half hour or £80 for an hour.